


The story of a profound bond

by Moonstruck_I_am



Series: Forever And Always [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Language, Moonstruck!Cas, Panic Attack, Sexual Content, Substance Abuse, Underage - Freeform, parental neglect, voices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-01 20:58:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonstruck_I_am/pseuds/Moonstruck_I_am
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Milton and Dean Winchester have been best friends for as long as they can remember. Dean is always there for his younger friend whenever he needs him, and vise versa. Soon, however, Castiel begins to act different around Dean, and the two start to explore this new feeling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stage One: Sixteen years

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so currently I'm staying at my aunt's house, and I can only use the internet on the weekends unless I use her computer, which I can only do sometimes. Needless to say, updates won't be lightning fast, but I'll do the best I can. Once I'm back with my parents, I can use the net anytime, and so updates will be much faster. Hope you like it!

Castiel Milton was Dean Winchester's best friend. He loved the guy. End of story. Their parents had known each other for years before the two were even conceived, and after that, well, it was only natural that Dean and Castiel would get along. It was Dean himself who'd come up with the nickname Cas. His psycho parents insisted upon Castiel and Castiel only. This didn't fly with Dean. Cas was his buddy, and so Cas is what he'd call him. These days in high school, not everything was peachy with the Miltons and the Winchesters. Luckily, Dean and Cas had already developed a profound bond by the time the shit went down, and so they were still life long friends. Literally. Which, of course, is why when Castiel showed up on Dean's doorstep (yet again) Tuesday night, Dean was happy to let him stay over as long as he wished. Basically, Castiel's parents were dicks.

At least in Dean's opinion, and Cas seemed to share his views on this as well. Cas's life wasn't all that easy. He had many mental issues. In fact, so many that Dean wondered how the guy was even still walking and talking. His parents began treating him like a dog when his problems increased in severity. One time at a Halloween party, some jerk friend from school surprised Castiel by sneaking up on him and wrapping him in an aggressive bear hug. The affect was probably meant to be something like this: Castiel jumped, laughed a little, the other dude made fun of him, and then it was over, most likely never to be mentioned again. But no. Castiel had been about twelve years old at the time, and during this stage in his early life his mental disorders were escalating as time went on.

The poor boy had a meltdown. It was his first real panic attack. Before when something stimulated a heightening of his emotions, he'd only start to shake and get dizzy, but Dean would always be there to comfort him and calm him back down. However, no one saw it coming that time. Dean suspected Cas himself was caught off guard. It only got worse from there, and that takes us to his parents.

Dean and his family supported Castiel as best they could, but obviously the final call rested with the Miltons. Helping their suffering child would have been the right thing to do. What else do you do when your kid has a meltdown right before your eyes? Well, that's not how it happened. Rachel, Castiel's mother, was reluctant to tell people about her son's mental state. Michael, her husband, was utterly impassive to Castiel's suffering, and none of his siblings got word of the breakdown. His parents tried to keep it under control as best they could, but what the hell are you going to do when your son starts hearing voices?

It started a couple months after the severe panic attack. Dean would notice how drained his friend looked, dark circles under his azure eyes like halos around the moon. When he asked about it, Cas said that weird whispers kept him up at night. Yeah, the kid had totally lost it. He made Dean promise not to tell anyone, because his parents told him to keep quiet about it. This angered Dean. His best pal in the whole world was descending into madness, and all his damn folks cared about was what others would think.

It was far too stupid to actually agree, but he had. Then Castiel became withdrawn. He stopped socializing with his peers, his grades dropped, he picked up bad habits like smoking and drinking, and worst of all, he became angry. Dean was never sure who or what he was angry at, exactly, but it was as plain as day. Anyone could see. The only thing that didn't change was them.

They had always been, and would always be each other's sacred ground. Castiel still treated Dean like a person, whereas around others he'd either ignore them or tell them to fuck off. Okay, enough was enough. Dean told his parents that Rachel and Michael refused to give Castiel the help he needed. Maybe it costed too much, or maybe they were embarrassed to have a whack job as a son. He'll never know for sure, but it didn't matter. Dean could see no reason logical enough to lead someone to watch a member of their own family wilt away into a broken and withering mess because... because what? Exactly.

So that's how the Winchesters and the Miltons broke apart, with the exception of Dean and Castiel. John, Dean's father, had tried to persuade Michael into doing something. From what he heard from Dean, Cas was a fucking wreck. He hardly slept, he lost a lot of weight, something about drugs, but none of it was his fault. Mary had been furious. Why didn't Dean tell them sooner?

Well, as unreasonable as it was, he wanted to keep his promise to Castiel, but he ended up having to choose what was best for his friend, or what his friend thought was best for him. He choose the former. The Winchesters and the Miltons went to court. The Miltons won. Wealthy, well established individuals with well paid, damn good lawyers had a tendency to be very persuasive if need be. Even then, Mary and John wouldn't give up on Cas. He was a bright kid, just so overloaded with problems that he turned stone cold.

He was pretty much catatonic, especially after any panic attacks. The only time he smiled was around Dean. It use to be a bright thing. Almost blinding, really. Now all anyone got was a small twitch of lips, or maybe a huff, only reserved for his best friend and no one else. It was one of the most painful things to experience. Sometimes Dean thought it hurt him more than it hurt the actual victim of the two. Cas had expressed less and less emotion as time carried on in that relentless way it did, and so Dean was left to feel all of his pain for him.

They were two halves made whole. Dean wondered on occasion what Cas would be like without him. Dean was the one person who could still get a spark of life out of the sixteen year old. It made him shudder just to think about where Cas would be if he'd never befriended the other man. He hated to admit it. Even if he was alone in a dark room by himself, it was a sin to even think it. But it was true. Cas would have killed himself years ago if not for the one glimmer of light in his otherwise dun world. Sure, Castiel's sister Anna took care of him in public when he could not, (or when Dean couldn't) but in the end she was as useless as Dean was. Kind words of encouragement or comfort weren't going to stop Cas from being angry. Nothing would calm down that anxiety that was always just swelling beneath the surface. No one could tell the voices in his head to go fuck themselves and actually expect them to listen.

This wasn't the flu. This was mental illness to a great extent. Dean researched all kinds of crap on it to see how to help the poor dude. He read up on stories of Schizophrenic people who heard voices and saw things. Honestly, he never asked Cas if he had any hallucinations other than auditory ones. He probably wouldn't tell him, considering how withdrawn he was these days. Dean could still get more out of him than anyone else, though.

One night a few weeks back, he'd read of a man who refused to get treatment for his psychological problems, and he ended up going completely fucking off the rails on a god damned crazy train. He drank himself to death in the end. Apparently, that was common among the moonstruck folk. They self abused in order to relief anxiety or self medicate. It didn't work.

Sometimes when Dean would let Cas sleep over if he got in another fight with his parents or some shit, he'd see the other boy wearing earplugs. He didn't ask. Something about voices. That's all he knew. Even still, Cas would seem so afraid, and he'd sleep with his ipod on or something instead. Dean asked if the earplugs worked one night, and he said they did not. Fucking great. There was nowhere for Castiel to run. The only haven available was Dean. This brings us back to that Tuesday night.

The weather outside was frothy as Dean opened his front door. He already knew who it was before he even touched the doorknob. Castiel stood on the dark front porch, eyes glistening with unshed tears. That was the only form of emotion he did express; sadness, though that was rare also. Without missing a beat, he all but shoved Dean out of the way as he entered the cozy entry way.

He didn't bitch. He never did. Then again, he never had to. Dean knew. He would always be right here, all ears if his friend wanted to talk. The only thing he did do was take off the leather jacket Dean had given him a few years ago and hang it on a rack by the front door. There was no foreplay necessary. His parents said he didn't even need permission to let Cas stay over any time. His parents may have been dicks, but Dean's were not, and since they'd all known each other since Castiel's birth, the saying, "family don't end with blood" might well suit this situation. Robert Singer. John's best friend and another unofficial Winchester.

There was the sofas in the adjoining living room which Castiel sometimes slept on, but other times when he was feeling really fucking heavy with depression he'd sleep with Dean in his big, comfy bed. Tonight was one of those nights. He didn't even bother to get undressed, really. He just threw himself onto one end of the mattress. Before Dean crawled in after him, the seventeen year old knelt down at the foot of the bed in front of Castiel's overhanging feet and undid his rather flat sneakers for him. After he removed them from his cold feet, he threw them aside somewhere in his room and worked to remove his own layers, not that he had many since he'd been hanging around the house for awhile now and not out there in the frigid cold.

He suspected Cas had been, though. He knew that when his friend was down he'd take a walk, often in bare feet, even when it was fucking freezing outside. Actually, especially when it was freezing. He read that sometimes victims of abuse or neglect will think that they've done something wrong to deserve such treatment. Again, Dean didn't ask. Maybe Cas cut himself because he thought that he should punish himself for whatever reason. Perhaps this was the same logic behind bare feet in November.

The thought made him fluster with rage. Dean wanted to fucking get his hands around the throats of Castiel's parents. Whenever he caught glimpse of that twitch of lips that signified a smile, he'd remember the easy going boyish grins he use to receive. His mouth would meet his blue eyes somewhere in the middle, and Dean would be rendered helpless as to do nothing but smile along. Those were the days he held onto. When he worked most of the time when he wasn't doing school, he let these memories play out in his brain like distant dreams you recalled years after you'd had them.

He and Cas had a plan. They both got jobs at the same place (because Castiel couldn't function alone) and they both worked as many hours as they could for many different reasons. One of which being that as soon as Castiel turned eighteen they would get him help. Right now, however, the younger boy refused. His parents wouldn't do it, and they'd already gone to court over the whole ordeal. Two more years, he reminded himself. Just two more years before his best friend was an adult by legal standards and could thus do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Still, it seemed unbearable from what Dean had been unfortunate enough to witness. Cas assured him that it was nothing.

"Sixteen years." He'd tell him. "Sixteen years of depression and suicidal thoughts, Dean. I think I can handle a simple two."

Then when shit like this happened, where Castiel showed up at his house a shaken mess, obviously trying his darn-est not to have a panic attack, he'd question their little agreement. Two years could save his ass from ending up like one of those insane people he'd read about. The thought of Cas, that sweet boy who use to make pretend cakes out of mud with him ending up like that, well, sorry, but that just didn't fly with Dean Winchester.

But then, after so long without treatment, Castiel would probably never be that boy again, but Dean couldn't help feeling like an unseen clock was ticking; an invisible hour glass was flipped. Nonetheless, he waited.

He crawled under the covers on the opposite side of the bed. The other occupant was still atop the oddly pattered quilts, and so he helped him underneath. Castiel squirmed a bit, clearly already half asleep, but Dean won the struggle in the end.

___

 

The next day, Castiel didn't come to school. Perhaps it was just a bit of average catatonia. Cas hadn't had a full on panic attack, but he was pretty close. Dean missed his presence through the halls of Lawrence High. He could almost picture his smell. The faint scent of cigarette smoke mixed with the laundry detergent he used. He use to be able to smell that weird fruity shampoo he used, too, but these days Castiel didn't take much time to work on personal hygiene, that is until Dean threatened to kick his ass if he didn't bathe every once in awhile.

After a terribly boring day of school he went back to his house to get Castiel to go to the Roadhouse they worked at. As he pulled up outside of his house in his Impala, he caught sight of Castiel seated on the front stoop. He strode up to him and took his hand to help him to his feet, even though he could get to his fucking feet on his own.

Once standing, Castiel huffed in mild amusement, his eyes not all there. Dean was still holding onto his friend's hand when he walked back to the car. As Cas slid into the passenger seat, Dean started up the engine. When the Impala roared to life, he took this as an opportunity to speak.

"I'll teach you."

"Huh?"

"To drive. I'll teach you."

The one birthday Castiel let be celebrated was his sixteenth. He wanted to drive, even if he often had trouble focusing on the environment around himself. He'd only turned sixteen about a month ago, and was currently taking online driver's tests and such. Dean was more than willing to help out in any way he could.

Cas put a tired hand on his shoulder.

"Dean... I would love that."

Dean nearly wanted to cry every time Cas had to struggle to express gratitude. He'd become so bitter and detached from reality.

"Let's go." He said gruffly. He then peeled away from the curb and started down the road. He glanced over at the passenger in his car every so often, contemplating his every move. Sometimes after a particularly violent panic attack, Cas would be left almost motionless. Fortunately this was not one of those times. Dean was so glad he was a bit better towards the evening time than he had been earlier, as he was unable to come to school. He and Cas often enjoyed walking to Lawrence High since it was right around the corner. When they arrived at Harvelle's Roadhouse, the first thing Ellen did was start shouting orders. Ellen Haevelle had given the boys a job together upon Dean's restless begging, and since Ellen and her daughter Jo knew of Bobby Singer, they excepted after a long while. Since then, things had been going smoothly for them all, as long as Castiel didn't break down too much. He never did since Dean was always there with him. Neither told the Harvelles of Castiel's many mental disorders, but sometimes Ellen would give the two a knowing look. Dean took it as a blessing that she never breached the subject.

It was a long day of work that ended around nine o' clock. Dean generally enjoyed work here. This bar had life to it. There was Ash something or other, and he was the only other teenager working there besides Jo. Dean liked the guy. He knew how to mind his own business, as everyone here did. It was like an unspoken rule. That night as Dean and Cas were heading out and back to the Impala, Ash caught up with them and put a hand on Dean's shoulder to halt him. He did, turning to face the other man.

"Hey, uh, Winchester, right?"

"That's me." Confirmed Dean, flashing a friendly smile.

"Yeah. Uh, listen, I think we actually go to the same school."

"That so?" Wondered Dean, glancing over at his best friend, who was glaring daggers at Ash.

"Yeah. Anyway, I was wondering if you all wanted to come to a party Friday?"

Parties. Hmmm. Cas hated parties. Dean wondered if it was natural to consider Castiel's feelings about, well, everything before he even stopped to think of his own. Oh, well.

"Uh, I'll think about it. Thanks."

Ash nodded, acting as if he'd been rejected by a potential date.

Dean huffed a laugh as he and Cas slid into the car. After awhile of quiet driving, Castiel said, "You can go."

"Huh?"

"I know you want to go."

He did. It had been like, months since he'd gotten laid, and he could really use a drink away from the prying eyes of adults.

"Uh..." he briefly looked at Castiel, who seemed so lost. Clearly the poor dude wanted to go, but any noise could provoke an episode of some kind. Noticing Dean's concern, he forced a broken smile.

"I'll be fine."

"Cas--"

"I'll have a little party of my own."

Dean didn't want to think about Castiel sitting alone somewhere drinking himself to sleep, most likely a lit cigarette forgotten in hand. Yeah, he was a bit overprotective, but fuck it if it was anyone's business. He sighed.

"No."

"Dean--"

"It'll be no fun without my best buddy." He insisted, resting a hand on Castiel's thigh. He could have sworn Cas's breath hitched. When they got home, Castiel decided to stay with Dean another night. Cas lived two blocks down from Dean's street. He slept on the couch, and Dean found himself missing his warmth in the bed.

___

 

Thursday morning, Dean and Castiel argued over breakfast about the party when Cas mentioned that he'd gotten a text from Ash with more details. Apparently, it was going to be a lot of fun. Castiel really wanted Dean to go, but he continued to refuse.

"Dean, honestly, this is getting ridiculous!" He exclaimed, waving his fork in a wide gesture.

Dean only shook his head, taking an ample bite of his eggs.

"Tell him, Mary." Said Castiel as Mary Winchester slid into the breakfast nook beside her seventeen year old son.

Dean rolled his eyes at that, and his mother grinned at the two of them.

"You boys get along so well."

Castiel smiled ever so slightly.

Soon after breakfast, Dean and Castiel were walking to school together. Castiel always walked with something undefinable in his eyes. His azure gems were fundamentally sad, but at times like these they seemed to be almost... peaceful. Dean knew this was just an illusion of course. Castiel grew up knowing no such thing. Just then, he turned to look at Dean as they walked beneath a row of dying tress on either side of the path. Dean kicked fallen leaves out of his way as he strode on, and Cas did the same.

"Dean, if you go to that party--"

"Cas--"

"I'll go with you."

They both stopped in their tracks, neither caring if they were late for school.

"What?" That was all Dean could manage.

"I'll go with you, and I'll do my best not to be too psychotic." He then smiled one of those rare genuine smiles only reserved for Dean, and Dean returned it gladly.

Though he felt unsure about bringing Cas to a party full of drunken teenagers, he was also a bit relived, because in truth, he did indeed want to go. He knew that it was selfish, but he figured he earned it.

 

___

 

School sucked, as it always did. Dean Winchester grew more and more worried about bringing Cas to some place (according to Ash) that harbored druggies and loose women. Honestly, what had he been thinking when he allowed him to come? Then he realized how stupid he was being right now. It wasn't up to him if his sixteen year old friend wanted to go to a party or not. He wasn't his parent, for fuck's sake. During each class, Dean looked back on the times when things were so much more simple. While listening to Mr. McLeod drone on in History, a particular memory came to him. It was a Summer long ago when he and his best friend were sitting on Castiel's screened in back porch. Dean was cross legged on the wooden floor, and he could barely hear the other boy over the sound of so many bugs. Cas was smiling while he strummed his mother's ukulele. He always smiled back then.

He saw clear in his mind's eye Castiel's laughter as he strummed the chords on the small instrument. Dean laughed along, singing terribly with the tune. They had been writing a song together. It was called The story of a profound bond. Of course neither boy knew what profound or bond meant, but Mary told them that they had a 'profound bond', so they went with that. After looking up the words in the dictionary, Dean and Cas loved the definitions. Soon Dean was snapped out of the memory by the bell ringing.

 

___

 

Castiel Milton stuffed his hands in the pockets of his baggy black hoodie, trying to calm himself down. He paced to and fro outside of his own house, rubbing his chin in frustration. He felt so weak. His father had been yelling at Anna again, obviously for no good reason, but Cas just up and left. It's all he could do when he was constantly on the verge of a panic attack like this. He felt his hands shake as he lit a cigarette. It was Thursday night. Tomorrow was the stupid party. Maybe he could hide out at Dean's? No. He was too sick of hiding right now to even consider it. He smoked one fag after the other, stopping only to cough here and there. He wasn't exactly a chain smoker. He only smoked to relive anxiety on some diminutive level.

Even though he had a whack load of other problems to worry about, anxiety was the most prominent at the worst of times. It always stepped up to the plate before the others had a chance to object. Of course his ever growing depression never let up, either. He felt tears run down his cheeks with no prior warning, and soon he was dropping his smoke on the wet asphalt of the street and gasping for air. He dropped to his hands and knees, heaving. The next thing he knew, he couldn't focus on anything, as his eyes were rolling up into his head. It felt like a seizure, as it commonly does. His desperate breaths sounded so fucking far away, and he could hardly feel his body at all. That was the worst part for Castiel. He despised not being able to feel grounded while this was going on. He tried to think of his favorite song, but he realized he didn't have one.

So much for those tricks he learned on the internet. The panic attack didn't cease anytime soon, and his fingers begin to cramp up, and he was unable to move them at all. From somewhere far away, he heard his father calling his name. He wanted to die right then. To just let the panic eat away at the core of his being and take him all the way. Maybe a heart attack would be nice. Same thing. When Michael stopped in the street, standing above the boy on the ground, he said warily, "Don't do this, Castiel."

"Fuck... off..." managed the sixteen year old between rasps.

The severity of the panic attack was beginning to frighten Cas a bit. He started gagging as though he were going to vomit, but nothing came out. He couldn't stop himself, and vaguely he felt tears and snot run down his neck and onto the cold, wet ground he was leaning over. His father dropped a tissue beside him, but Castiel couldn't move his hands to reach for it. His fingers were visibly curled in on themselves like he had arthritis or something. Michael didn't seem to notice, but instead shouted, "You wanna do this in front of the whole god damned neighborhood?"

Castiel cried out as he trembled. The cry was meant to be an angry one, but it ended up sounding desperate and weak. Just like him. He realized that his parents really didn't care at all. He was alone. To think otherwise would be a delusion. It would be ironic if he became delusional on top of everything else, wouldn't it? He shifted to try and get up, but he was shaking so bad that he up and fell right over. Michael sighed, bending down to help his son to his feet, but Castiel pushed him away with the little strength he possessed at the moment.

"Fine." Said his father coldly, turning his back on Cas as he walked toward the house.

After what seemed like hours of excruciating panic, Cas was able to calm down, but he did not go back inside. He slept on the porch swing on their back deck. It got really cold as the hours of darkness continued, but he didn't care. He deserved it. He understood why his parents chose to ignore him. He was nothing. He was a piece of shit. When morning came, his body was sore and his hands and feet felt like they were covered in ice. He rose from the swing, not even bothering to go inside and eat and what not. He just headed straight for Dean's.

 

___

Dean wondered why he didn't see Castiel around school that day, but he found out the reason when he came home. Castiel and Mary were seated on the sofa in the living room, both cupping warm mugs of tea as they watched Dr. Sexy M.D. Dean took off his shoes and threw them in no place particular, and then he made his way over to them.

"Cas?" He asked in concern.

Castiel craned his neck back to see Dean approaching.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, sweetie." Mary piped in, scooting over and gesturing to the space between her and Cas on the couch.

Dean gladly took it, putting his arm loosely around the back of the sofa where Cas sat. Cas looked at him, something soft there. He needed Dean right now. He really did. Everyone in the room knew why Cas was here, so no one brought it up. They all just sat happily watching Dr. Sexy, Dean's homework forgotten. As afternoon gave way to evening, Castiel started to worry. What else was new? He sat on the toilet lid of the downstairs bathroom, contemplating. He honestly didn't think he could go to any public place right now, much less a friggin' party.

He bit his nails down to the quick, humming Marching On by One Republic under his breath. The song always gave him hope, as subtle as it was. He felt like crying, but refused to do so. He swallowed thickly and told himself he would go to that damn party if it was the last thing he did. Dean needed to have some fun, right? After everything he'd done for Cas, the least he could do was return the favor. He rose from the john and exited the bathroom.

___

The party was worse than Cas thought it would be. The noise ate away at his head, and he found himself drowning his sorrows alcohol. Castiel could really hold his liquor, so consequently he had to drink an ass load just to get even remotely smashed. When Dean found him passed out on the sofa in Ash's living room, he chuckled and tried to shake him awake.

"Come on, Cas. Don't make me dump this coffee on you." He said, holding his Mocha over Castiel's head.

Cas cracked one eye open. "Dean?" He said drowsily as he sat up.

"Who else?" Chuckled the seventeen year old, sitting down beside his friend.

Cas leaned on Dean's shoulder, humming Alcohol by the Barenaked ladies. Dean laughed again, taking an easy sip from his cup of coffee.

"You sure had fun tonight, huh?"

Cas hesitated, his azure eyes falling shut as he breathed in the scent of his oldest friend.

"Yeah." He lied. "Loads of fun."

Apparently he wasn't very convincing, because Dean looked down at him with a frown and said, "Cas?"

"What?" He whined grumpily, sitting up straighter and away from Dean.

"You okay?"

Cas scoffed. "I'm fine."

Dean sighed, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "Dude, don't lie to me, okay?"

Cas pulled his knees up from the floor and against his chest as he curl up on the sofa, angry yet resigned tears spilling out of his eyes. He stuffed his head in between his legs and wept rather loudly.

"Hey." Said Dean gently, putting down his cup on the coffee table in front of them. He then reached out and put a tender hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Come on." He said, moving closer and wrapping his arms around Cas. "I got you. Come on."

Castiel burrowed his face into Dean's shoulder and continued to cry. Soon the older boy's jacket was soaked, but he patted Cas's back nonetheless.

"Want me to take you home buddy?" Asked Dean quietly, his breath brushing against Castiel's ear.

"No. I don't ever want to go back to that place."

"Cas." Said Dean firmly, pulling the two apart to look Castiel in the eye. "I said home."

Cas smiled a little, which Dean doubted he would have done if he wasn't intoxicated.

"Home..." he repeated. If what they said was true, that home is where the heart is, then Castiel supposed that yes, Dean's home was his home as well. It was as close as he'd ever get. That was for sure.


	2. Stage Two: Home

His shoes were untied. They always were. His sweater was baggy, as it always was. Not to mention, some unheard of band was displayed across the black material in bold white letters. Seriously, whoever heard of Tegan and Sara? The only normal part of Castiel was his black skinny jeans, but with the other stuff he was wearing, he just looked like some sort of druggie, which he kind of was. Actually, the way he dressed reminded Dean of a hipster, not that he was really sure what a hipster was. He bent down to tie each of his younger friend's shoes. Once he was finished, he rose and asked, "Ready?"  
  
"As I'll ever be." Replied Cas, retrieving a cigarette from his pocket.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes. "Dude, you won't be smoking in my car."  
  
Castiel sighed and slid the single fag back into the pack of Marlboro. "Fine. Let's go."  
  
The two headed out the front door and into the early morning sunshine of yet another Saturday. Castiel had been here for two weeks now, and his parents didn't bother to come looking for him. They knew where he was. Not that they even called the Winchesters to confirm this. Oh, well. Cas was much happier here than he'd ever be there. They walked side by side down the slope of the grassy front yard and into the road where Dean's Impala was parked. Sometimes he left it in the driveway, and other times he just parked it on the curb if he was going to use it again soon, like now.  
  
Dean slid into the passenger side, and Cas into the driver's seat. Dean sighed.  
  
"Okay, so what's the first thing you do, Kojak?"  
  
Castiel wordlessly put on his seat belt, then began checking his mirrors.  
  
"Alright. And the second?"  
  
Cas froze with his hand over the gear shift.  
  
"Cas?"  
  
He then put the car in reverse, and Dean chuckled.  
  
"Take off the emergency brake, man."  
  
Castiel nodded and did as he was instructed. After he was done, he placed his right foot on the brake gently, perhaps only to feel a little bit secure for a moment before he applied pressure to the gas. They backed away from the curb slowly, and Cas turned the wheel frantically, Dean laughing at him the entire time. Soon they peeled away, and Castiel put the car in drive and sped around the streets of Lawrence.  
  
"You do have a learner's permit, right?" Asked Dean as he rolled down his window, the breeze hitting his face in a way that reminded the seventeen year old of Spring barbecues they used to have with the Miltons. He wondered how they could have been so easily fulled by Cas's dick parents.  
  
"Of course, Dean. You know it's illegal to leave a residential area as the driver when you don't have a learner's permit."  
  
Cas didn't talk much, but when he did, Dean found him annoying... in a good way.  
  
"Shut up." Dean responded, then muttered, "Smart ass."  
  
Castiel chuckled lightly, and Dean found himself staring at his friend. It was so nice to hear even the most dismal laugh escape Castiel's lips.  
  
"So, where to?" Wondered the sixteen year old, the ghost of a smile barely present.  
  
"Um..." Said Dean, slowly coming out of his ecstasy. "Let's go to that place by the Shell station for some breakfast."  
  
"Sounds like a plan."  
  
___  
  
The interior decor of the bakery was always inviting to Castiel. There was hardly a place in this world where he felt at ease, other than Dean's house, that is.  _Home_. He and Dean ordered two very large caramel buns with butter cream frosting, and one slice of banana bread which they split. Cas hadn't gone to school much since he'd been staying at Dean's, but after some encouragement from Mary and John, he was getting better about it. He remembered there was a time when his education actually seemed to matter. Other things used to be important, too. Once upon a time, life was simple. Time would pass by as slow as a sleepless night, and each day was a new dawn. Cas felt tears well up in his eyes, so he excused himself from the table he and Dean had by the window of the bakery.  
  
"Where are you going?" Wondered Dean through a mouthful of honey bun.  
  
"To use the can, dumb ass."  
  
Dean scowled at him but objected no further.  
  
Once in the men's room, Cas leaned over a sink and rinsed his face with cold water. He heard someone beside him washing their hands, but he didn't bother to acknowledge the other presence in the room. Once he was sure he was alone, he hummed Love Type Thing by Tegan and Sara. He realized then that he was in a constant battle for survival. Whether or not he was trying to survive anxiety, depression, hallucinations or anger, he was always battling something. It never ended. For as long as Cas could remember, there was always some primate on his back. He'd never been happy. That much was true.  
  
 _"When dark things come calling, they want you to hear."_  He sung, hardly putting any effort into it.  
  
He then entered a stall, drying his face on his baggy black band sweater. He sat down on the lid of the toilet. He found it funny how he chose the most unsanitary of places to have his episodes. He let the tears roll freely down his cheeks. Soon he began to gasp and whimper. Much to his amusement, if someone were to come in right now, they'd probably think he was jerking off. He screamed in frustration and punched the stall door, which unfortunately flew open in response.  
  
He knew he had to get it together. He still had to finish his breakfast and his driving lesson with Dean. But everything just hurt so fucking much. He didn't want to be conscious right now. In fact, he never wanted to be. He wanted to die. It filled his every waking thought, and even followed him into his dreams. He recalled multiple dreams in which he'd killed himself, or simply died in some way or another. A memory played out in his head as he attempted to collect himself in the now open stall.  
  
 _It's... a hole. Don't you understand? I can't feel sorry for you. I can't feel anything!_  
  
He sighed. He hated when he remembered things like that. His father Michael had been upset with Castiel for never expressing emotion. Michael wanted to be loved. He wanted his boy to smile, but it never happened. When Michael got in a car accident and Cas was as calm as ever, he blew up at the boy, who had been thirteen at the time.  
  
"Why can't you just be normal?" His father had shouted.  
  
 _If you want me to be normal, all you have to do is get me the help I need._  Thought Castiel, a wave of hot anger rushing through him. He then rose from the toilet, rinsed his face once more, and then made his way back out to their table. Dean was still there, patiently waiting for him.  
  
"What took you so long?"  
  
"I had to go number two." Lied Cas as he slid into the booth across from Dean.  
  
"Right." Said Dean, clearly not buying it.  
  
Castiel watched the older boy scarf down his piece of the banana bread. He felt a strange surge of emotion coarse through his veins. Deeper than the Atlantic ocean, and farther away than the sun. It was a feeling he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before. It washed over him so powerfully that he could drown in it. He did. He let the emotion take him like a vicious riptide. He would most likely end up on foreign turf, and right now, he was okay with that.  
  
___  
  
One evening when Cas was out for one of his self-abusing walks, Dean helped Mary make dinner, and Sam sat and watched.  
  
"You gonna help, Sam?" Asked Dean, agitated.  
  
"No." Replied his little brother nonchalantly.  
  
"Dean, leave your brother alone." Said Mary without much heat.  
  
"I wasn't doing anything!" Complained Dean.  
  
"Just shut up." Groaned Sam, hoping off of the counter top and leaving the room.  
  
Before Dean had time to chase him down and give him a beating, the doorbell rang. After Cas spent weeks at a time here, he stopped knocking and just came in like he lived here, too. Dean was glad. He wanted him to feel at home here, because as far as anyone was concerned, this  _was_  his home.  
  
"I'll get it." Said Dean, setting down the wooden spoon he was using to stir the mixture on the burner. When he opened the front door, Rachel Milton stood there, arms crossed. She was wearing her usual business women attire.  
  
"Where's my son?" She demanded.  
  
Mary came around the corner from the kitchen, and her face instantly fell when she saw who it was. Her mouth was open as she was about to speak when Dean cut in.  
  
"He's not here. Sorry." He then tried to shut the door when Rachel held it open with her shoe. Soon Sammy came downstairs in his pajamas, and he, too seemed uncomfortable with Rachel being in the doorway of their house.  
  
"Don't play games with me, boy. I will have the cops over here so fast."  
  
Mary put a hand on Dean's shoulder and ushered him to go back to the kitchen. Dean automatically got defensive, but heeded eventually. Stepping outside and closing the door behind her, Mary Winchester said, "Rachel, what's gotten into you?"  
  
"You can't just keep him here, Mary! He is _my_ son."  
  
"No one's keeping anyone against their will, Rachel."  
  
She snorted. "Yeah, right. Even if Castiel is here willingly, he has to obey me because I'm his mother."  
  
"I know that. Look--"  
  
"No  _you_ look, Winchester. If we have to take this whole ugly mess to court again, then I'll happily oblige. You guys are not his family, and no matter how many cookies you bake for him, no matter how much you help him with his homework, you'll always just be his neighbors. Understand?"  
  
Mary shook her head. "He's not here. I'd like you to leave now."  
  
Rachel threw her hands up and then turned away, stalking off around the corner. Mary stood there in the dark until Dean came out.  
  
"Everything alright mom?"  
  
"I'm not so sure."  
  
___  
  
Castiel was home in time for dinner. He was in a much better mood than Dean had seen him in a long time. He loved that. Even if Cas didn't crack a single smile for the whole night, it was obvious that there was a tremendous pressure missing from the room. Dean was even happier when Cas came to bed with him that night. For practically his entire stay, he'd slept on the couches downstairs. During dinner, when Mary almost breached the subject about Castiel's mother coming over, Dean shook his head, and that was that. When he and Mary were doing dishes after the meal, she smiled and said, "You're always looking out for him, you know that?"  
  
He did. Maybe a little too much. He grew up with Cas. He was as protective over him as he was with anyone else who he considered to be family. His bedroom was quiet as he helped Cas get ready for bed. Castiel could hardly function. He couldn't even tie his own shoes. When Cas tried to remove his sweater, it got stuck over his head and Dean helped him get it the rest of the way off. He also helped Cas to brush his teeth normally, because otherwise he'd brush each tooth a certain amount of times.  
  
Dean wondered what exactly was wrong with Castiel. One day he'd find out. One day when Cas got the proper help he deserved, they'd all find out what the diagnosis actually was. When they both got into bed, Cas said, "It's cold outside."  
  
Dean paused. "Yeah, Cas. It's November."  
  
"It is?"  
  
Dean felt his chest constrict. "You didn't know that?"  
  
"I guess I must have forgotten." Replied Cas casually as he put his arm over his forehead, laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling.  
  
Dean let it slide. It wasn't too alarming that he forgot what month it was. As long as he didn't forget other stuff too much.  
  
___  
  
The ache was dual. It wasn't pounding like it normally was. He knew that he could never escape the hell he lived in, but to have a little heavenly light shine down was nice. Once the weekend was over, Cas actually bothered to go to school. He wasn't in the same class as Dean, but at least he got to see him other places, such as lunch. They sat together, as they always did, and anyone who came to join, Cas would sneer at and ignore them. Dean was use to this by now.  
  
All in all, it was a good day. That is until Cas left school, Dean by his side, only to find that his mother was waiting outside for him. He stopped in front of her car.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
Dean tugged on Castiel's hoodie.  
  
"Come on, Cas, let's just go."  
  
Cas barley acknowledged Dean. His expression was unreadable.  
  
"I'm not coming back with you." He said simply, and Dean felt proud.  
  
"Well, I'm afraid that's not up to you." Said Rachel, her arms crossed in her eternal gesture of defensiveness.  
  
"Sure it is." Cas sounded bored, and he put his hands in his pockets and began to walk off. Dean looked back at Rachel smugly. She followed after them.  
  
"Castiel. Listen to me! When you're eighteen, you can misbehave all you want, but right now--"  
  
"I don't care." Said Cas, stopping in his tracks. Something in his voice was different; dark. Then again, Cas was fundamentally dark, but this was indeed a darkness that Dean had never heard before. Judging by the look on Rachel's face, neither had she.  
  
"Castiel. You will regret this."  
  
"Don't threaten me mom." Said Cas, looping his arm around Dean's as they begin to walk again.  
  
___  
  
 _Northern lights catch you coming down  
Sleep your way out of your hometown  
Hey, playgirl  
Hey, playgirl _  
  
Castiel let the music engulf him. He took a swing from the bottle of scotch he bought. He sat outside the liquor store drinking and weeping, listening to his ipod and singing along. His life was over. He realized that there was a way out, and now he'd never reach it. The way out was Dean. He could not see himself going back to his own house right now. He needed Dean. Dean was his tunnel which led to a different side of town. A side Castiel had never been to. A side called  _normal_. It hurt so bad to think of going back. He imagined his father's sunken eyes and painfully passive expression.  
  
 _"Cas."_  Someone whispered.  
  
He looked around, but no one was there. He decided to ignore it, taking another gulp of his alcohol, and a long drag of his cigarette.  
  
 _"Castiel."_  
  
Now Cas was a bit on edge. He rose from the uncomfortable wooden bench and began to walk back to Dean's house.  _Home._  Unfortunately, he heard footsteps behind himself, but when he turned back, there was no one to be seen. Growing wary, Cas shouted, "Go away!" He knew it wouldn't work. Nothing worked against hallucinations.  
  
 _"Can you hear me?"_  Whispered the invisible voice.  
  
"Duh. Now fuck off."  
  
He passed an elderly women who was looking at him like he was crazy. Maybe he was. He began to hum Marching On as he hurried home.  
  
___  
  
"I'm home!" Called Castiel Milton as he entered Dean's house _. I'm home._  He never thought he'd get so sentimental over something like this, but here he was. Dean came into the entry way and wrapped his arms around the younger boy. Castiel became very still, feeling Dean's arms around his torso. After he was released, he looked at Dean curiously but said nothing.  
  
"Dinner's ready." Said Dean enthusiastically.  
  
"I'm not hungry." Slurred Cas.  
  
Dean leaned in and sniffed his breath.  
  
"Have you been drinking?" He whispered angrily.  
  
"Maybe." Responded Castiel, swaying a bit.  
  
Dean sighed. "Alright. Let's get you up to bed, then."  
  
He was a little disappointed as he helped Cas up the stairs. John was home early this evening, and Dean wanted them all to have dinner together. Just like a family. He was aware that it was corny, but hey... everybody's got their quirks, right? When he plopped Castiel down on his bed, he took off his shoes for him and helped him out of his jeans.  
  
"Thank you." Said Cas quietly.  
  
"For?"  
  
"For everything."  
  
For some reason, this did not make Dean feel praised. He felt sad. The way Cas said it, you'd think they were his last words. He then crawled onto the mattress beside him.  
  
"What's going on, Cas?"  
  
Castiel had his back to Dean as he replied, "Nothing."  
  
"Cas, you gotta tell me what's going on with you."  
  
"No." Said Cas without a moment's hesitation.  
  
Dean sighed, rising from the bed and heading for the door.  
  
"You."  
  
Dean turned around. "What?"  
  
"I'm so sorry." Said Cas, the ending of the sentence turning into a sob.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes, coming back over and laying beside the sixteen year old again.  
  
"You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying."  
  
"Yes I do!" He snapped, turning over to face Dean.  
  
"Cas, come on, man."  
  
"Dean..." he whimpered, reaching out to him.  
  
Dean returned the gesture, meeting him half way and then the two were practically cuddling, but neither gave a damn.  
  
"Dean. You're home." Whispered Castiel into Dean's chest, where he wept.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're my home. I can be anywhere as long as I'm with you."  
  
Dean was grateful that Cas's head was down, because his own tears begin to fall.  
  
"Well no matter where you go, Cas... I will always be here. You hear me? Always."  
  
Castiel smiled against Dean's jacket, and Dean felt it, and he smiled as well. The two stayed like that, dinner forgotten, and soon their breathing slowed into a relaxing rhythm as sleep took over. Before loosing himself in his dreams completely, Cas whispered, "I love you."  
  
Since Dean didn't reply, he must have already been asleep.  
  
___  
  
Castiel was woken by a honking sound outside. He opened his azure gems and rested on his elbow as he peeked through the blinds of the window above Dean's bed. He was shocked and disgusted to see his parents' car outside. His mother got out of the passenger side, holding up a cellphone to indicate that she was going to call someone. Castiel knew who she would call, too. He stifled a sob and rose from the warmth of Dean's bed.  
  
Dean hardly stirred, and Castiel felt that ache return. It was full blown this time. It thrummed and throbbed, demanding all of his attention. Yet he did what he was used to doing; he sucked it up. He wanted to take the time to gather his belongings, but Michael honked the horn as he sat behind the wheel, inpatiently tapping his fingers on the steering mechenism. So Castiel simply left his home with nothing but the clothes on his back, and naturally... his ipod. When he stepped outside into the cold of a November morning, he cranked the volume of his music, and the Heartless Bastards filled his ears and the sound soaked into his soul. As he crossed Dean's lawn and stepped into the street, he smiled a bit to himself.  
  
Tears were nowhere near. He was probably more miserable than he'd ever been in the whole of his igsistance, but somehow he wasn't reacting. It felt as though he'd crossed a line in his life. As absurd as that may sound, he was convinced of it. When Cas climbed into the back seat of his mother's mini van, the first thing Michael said was, "What were you thinking, Castiel?"  
  
 _I was thinking I found somewhere I belong._  
  
"Honestly! Did you just assume that we wouldn't find you? Sorry to break it to you, but you were in the most obvious of all places."  
  
"I still don't see why you had to involve the police." Complained the sixteen year old.  
  
"We didn't." Said Rachel as Michael began to drive. "We  _would_ have."  
  
"Same thing!" He snapped.  
  
"Hey." Said Michael firmly. "Watch your mouth, boy. Haven't you caused enough trouble for one lifetime?"  
  
Right. It was always the same with his parents. Why did his mother have to threaten to call the police? The last thing he wanted was to get the Winchesters in trouble. Unfortunantely, he would have to just obey for now... logically. However, being as crazy as he was, the last thing he wanted to do was obey. It was simply something he couldn't do right now.  
  
___  
  
The following days were hard, to say the least. At first, Castiel did not answer any of Dean's texts or calls, but then he thought better of it. He did not want to alarm anyone. Dean was terribly worried. Cas assured him that everything would be fine. He was lying, of course. Even though he'd been living at his parents' house for literally as long as he'd been alive, this was differant. He had crossed a line, and he could no longer bare the shit that was his life. He loved Dean more than anyone on this god forsaken dirt ball.   
  
Because of that, Cas couldn't let go of the sense of contentment he'd felt, briefly as it was. About a week after he'd come back here, he came downstairs one morning in a pair of Dean's pajama bottoms and no shirt. Seated around the kitchen table were his siblings. On the left side was Anna, who was Dean's age, sitting besdie Gabriel, who was one year younger than Cas. On the right side was Uriel and Rapheal, who were both eighteen. Castiel had no idea what they were still doing here. Well, one explaination was that his parents were wealthy, so maybe Uriel and Rapheal were just total bums. Castiel didn't mind writing his two older brothers off as morons, because neither liked Dean very much, especially not Uriel.   
  
"Good morning, Castiel." Said Anna.   
  
Whenever Cas would be the last one up, all the chairs at the kitchen table would already be taken. Instead of answering his red haired sister, Cas moved past his siblings and slipped out the door in the adjoining hallway, but not before snatching a muffin from Gabriel's plate. Gaberiel flipped his older brother off, though clearly he didn't see as he was already outside. Once in the weedy side yard, Castiel took a genorous bite of his blueberry muffin.  
  
Since he didn't even bother to get dressed, the cold air stung his bare chest, but he did not care. He figured that if his parents could find him at Dean's, then that was a total waste of time, so he decided to go with plan B, but obviously not while he was half naked like this. He wandered around the overgrown grass in his bare feet, humming White Laughter by The heart throbs.  
  
___  
  
Later that afternoon, Castiel stood before the grand piano his parents had in the sun room of their large house. He moved his fingers along the keys with a natural tone of elegance. He played a few notes that rang familiar, though he wasn't sure where he had heard them before. He played it again, and he heard crickets. Lots of them. Wherever he heard this song, it was hot and humid, but a feeling of peace washed over him, so he must have been having a good time when he heard it.  
  
He was snapped out of his trance like state when the doorbell rang. Ignoring it, Cas headed into the kitchen for an apple. He was wearing a baggy orange sweater with black wings imprinted on it and brown jeans that weren't as skinny as they usually were. And of course his black sneakers were untied. He might as well remove the laces. As it turns out, the person at the door was a neighbor giving the Miltons some leftover lady fingers they'd made. Cas loved lady fingers. He wrapped some in tinfoil and stuffed them in his pocket, unintentionally ensuring that they'd get squished. When he was certain he wouldn't be seen, Castiel left the house in search of Meg.  
  
___  
  
Meg Masters lived four streets down. She and Cas got along well enough, and if you add the fact that she was totally crushing on him, you'd have yourself a place to stay. When he knocked on her door, he wasn't surprised to find that Meg's friend Jo answered it. The blonde pursed her lips, looking the fidgeting boy up and down.  
  
"Say, you're Cas, right? You work at the Roadhouse."  
  
"Correct." Confirmed Castiel, avoiding eye contact. This was just what he needed. One of his co-workers finding him a wreck and looking for a place to stay. What if Ellen found out about this?  
  
"Um, why are you here?"  
  
Castiel shifted his weight from one foot to the other.  
  
"I... is Meg home?"  
  
Jo half closed the door and called for Meg before opening it all the way once more.  
  
"Yeah. Come on in."  
  
After the older girl stepped aside, Castie entered, feeling more nervous than only a moment ago. When he caught sight of a dark head of hair, he became a tad bit more relaxed. Soon Jo disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Cas and Meg alone to talk.  
  
"So what's up, Milton?" Wondered Meg, her hands on her hips.  
  
Castiel knew that he could charm his way into this. He had not told Meg that he had no interest in her. Then again, he wasn't really sure he didn't. In fact, Cas was unsure what he wanted at all. _I want Dean._  Ignoring his thoughts, he moved closer to the girl.  
  
"I was thinking... could I bunk with you for awhile?"  
  
Meg smiled flirtatiously.  
  
"Only under one condition."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"You sleep with me."  
  
Castiel felt a surge of unpleasant adrenaline.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
Now Meg stepped closer, searching Castiel's thin frame with her eyes.  
  
"Sorry, Clarence. Not like you were hoping. I just mean sleep in the same bed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
She leaned and whispered in his ear, "A girl gets lonely."  
  
Cas nodded. "Fine. Just no 'activity'."  
  
"Deal."  
  
___  
  
Castiel couldn't sleep. He stared up at the ceiling of Meg's bedroom. One thing she forgot to mention was that she snored. A lot. During his sleepless hours at her house, his mind would wander to that song. The same beginning notes played out in his head over and over again like a broken record. If he wasn't already nuts, he would be driven there. High D, C, E then D again. Over and over. Luckily this little melody put him to rest eventually. He had been at Meg's for three days now, and his parents didn't seem to care so far, though that might not last.  
  
___  
  
On the morning of his fourth day here, Castiel received a text from Dean.  
  
 _dude have u completely forgotten about school?????_  
  
He hadn't. He just didn't give a damn about his education anymore then his parents gave a damn about him. Meg was still asleep when Cas got up, but Jo was already making pancakes. When he entered the kitchen sleepily, Jo piped, "Mornin' sleepy ass!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Ohhhh. You think you can talk to me like that, huh? I'll tell Ellen on you."  
  
Castiel half laughed, which actually felt kind of nice. Jo laughed along. Once Meg rose, the three had breakfast on a sofa watching boring morning news before the two girls went off to school, Jo trying to encourage Castiel to come along. He told them he wasn't feeling well, which was partially true. When they were gone, Castiel sent Dean a text saying,  _I'm at Meg's. I really wanna see you. Do you think you can swing it?_  
  
Within the minute, a reply came back.  
  
 _ur at that bitch's? come on cas u can do better than that._  
  
Castiel groaned in annoyance. They started instantly replying one another.  
  
Cas:  _Dean, just please forget where I am and come over._  
  
Dean:  _no prob. just gotta ditch school. i'll make my escape in between classes._  
  
Cas:  _Why not just ask to use the bathroom?_  
  
Dean:  _uh, yea... about that. i used that 1 2 many times. they don't fall for it anymore._  
  
Cas: _You're such an idiot._  
  
Dean:  _look who's talking. i'll tie your shoes 4 u when i get there._  
  
Cas:  _Shut up._  
  
___  
  
Dean came about a half an hour later. He was distraught to know that Cas was staying at Meg's. She had a tendency to take advantage of men. Well, at least he wasn't with his parents. Dean was really worried about him while he was there because of the emotional damage it would cause his friend. He tried to persuade Cas into coming to school, but he wouldn't budge. The two decided to catch up on Dr. Sexy until Dean had to go. Castiel was grateful for his company. That evening, Meg and Cas made spaghetti for dinner. Apparently Meg's mother was off on a business trip, and her father had died a long time ago. Cas was glad that there were no adults around. He always felt uncomfortable under the gaze of a parent. Probably do to the fact that he was so obviously broken.  
  
This time when he couldn't sleep, he headed down the hall to use the bathroom. He thought about that hole. It was something that continued to devour his insides. His soul was gone and all that remained was emptiness, and an ache that never died down but only seemed to make itself at home, resulting in a delusion that made it feel as though the pain was dual and not sharp. After leaving the bathroom, Castiel went to the kitchen and leaned over the sink, hot tears dropping into the ceramic. He wondered if things would ever get better. What would it be like to feel whole--to have his heart and soul stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey?  
  
It was too much. To much pain and sorrow. Too much hate and lack of emotion. Too much desire, yet not enough to make him human. His world was collapsing around him, and he felt every tremor of it. Cas was willing to ride it out, that is until he realized something. He'd thought of this before, of course, only now it really hit home; he never had a world to collapse. He had always been afloat, from the moment he was brought onto this Earth kicking and screaming, and until the day he left in the same manner, he would always be lost. He didn't truly have a home. How could he? Such a pathetic excuse for a person did not deserve one.  
  
He then reached into a kitchen drawer and brought out a stake knife. He held it to his left wrist, and started to cut as deep and as hard as he could. He aimed for a particularly prominent vein. When he switched the blade into his left hand, he sliced his right wrist only to discover that he was shaking wildly. He hoped not for a panic attack, but for death. Much to his dismay, he did not cut deep enough, and so he had to live another day, or at least the rest of the night. Meg came up behind him.  
  
"Cas?"  
  
He dropped the knife into the sink and started running his bleeding wrists under cold water. When Meg stood beside him, she gasped and grabbed both of his arms.  
  
"What the fuck did you do to yourself?"  
  
She sounded more angry than scared.  
  
"I... I don't know."  
  
She crossed her arms and began to pace.  
  
"That's it. Who's that dude you're joined at the hip with?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You know, that short Winchester kid."  
  
Castiel froze with anguish. "No. I don't want him to see me like this."  
  
"Well that's too bad."  
  
She then held out her hand. Castiel only looked at her, puzzled.  
  
"Your phone, please."  
  
"Meg--"  
  
"Now."  
  
Reluctantly, he removed his cellphone from the pocket of Dean's pajama bottoms and gave it to her. She searched through Castiel's contacts until she saw one named Dean. She clicked Send a message and angrily typed out what had happened then sent it. Within five minutes the phone rang. She answered it.  
  
 _"He what?"_  Dean shouted on the other end, his voice still groggy with sleep. It was three in the morning.  
  
"You got my text I see."  
  
 _"No screwing around, Meg. This is some serious shit."_  
  
"You're telling me. Now why don't you get your ass out of bed and come pick him up?"  
  
 _"Me? What the hell am I supposed to do with him?"_  
  
"I dunno. Figure it out. I don't want him here anymore."  
  
There was a loud groan on the other end.  
  
"Unless of course you want me to get his parents involved. Just imagine how they'd treat him after this." Prodded Meg.  
  
 _"Bitch."_ Hissed Dean before hanging up.  
  
Satisfied, Meg handed Cas his cellphone back. Within the hour, Dean was on the doorstep, knocking urgently. When Meg opened it, he instantly moved past her and to Cas, who was in the bathroom with the door open, rinsing his cuts with peroxide. Dean shut the door and the two were alone in the small space.  
  
"Don't ever do that again." Said Dean, relived to see that his friend was okay.  
  
"Dean." Cas whispered as he sat on the toilet lid, rubbing the cotton ball up and down his wrist. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"Don't be. Just don't do it again."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
They shared a private smile, and then Dean knelt down in front of him and helped him clean his wounds. When Cas began to sniffle, Dean asked softly, "Where does it hurt?"  
  
"Everywhere!"  
  
Dean then put down the cotton ball he was holding and from his kneeling position, he dropped onto his knees and hugged Cas, who gladly returned the gesture.  
  
"It hurts so fucking bad!" Sobbed Castiel, burying his face in Dean's neck.  
  
"I know... I know."  
  
"No you don't!" Cas objected, pulling them apart.  
  
"Shh shh." Soothed Dean, his hand around his friend's neck. "It's okay. I'm here."  
  
Once Castiel eased fully back into Dean's arms, he drew in a deep breath and said, "You're home, Dean. I belong nowhere, and it's unbearable. The only place I need to be is with you."  
  
Upon hearing this, Dean whispered, "Okay then. I have an idea."   
  
"What?"   
  
Standing up, Dean replied, "We're going for a drive."


	3. Stage Three: Only for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be up at some point today. I wanted to post the chapters together, but the internet is being weird, so in case something happens I wanted to post a new chapter to keep the flow going yo.

Outside of Meg's house, Dean and Castiel got into the Impala, the older boy behind the wheel.  
  
"Where are we going?" Wondered Cas as Dean turned the key in the ignition.  
  
"Like I said; we're going for a drive."  
  
Cas sighed, leaning back against the leather. Dean just wanted to get Cas out of town for a few days, considering the amount of stress he'd been under. Soon the two were riding along in the darkness on a seemingly infinite highway, but not before Dean stopped by the bank. While on the open road, Dean played some AC/DC and Cas crossed his arms in a pout. In about three hours, they parked the car outside of a motel.  
  
"What are we doing here?" Asked Cas as they got out, slamming the car doors behind themselves.  
  
"We're gonna stay here for a couple of nights. How's that sound?"  
  
When they entered, Dean charmed his way into getting a room key, and he and Cas went straight to their room.  
  
"What if my parents find out?" Said Cas, watching Dean take off his jacket and toss it on a chair in the corner.  
  
"Well, can't do any harm, right? They don't even know we left town."  
  
"Speaking of which, what town are we in?"  
  
"I got no clue." Responded Dean, sitting on one of two beds and undoing his boots. "All I know is that we're miles and miles away from your folks, and in my book, that's a plus."  
  
"Good point." He agreed, sitting on the bed opposite Dean's.  
  
They didn't have any clothes to change into, nor any toothbrushes. When Cas mentioned this, Dean said they'd go shopping in the morning.  
  
___  
  
Dean was woken by the smell of cigarette smoke. When he turned over in bed, he saw Castiel sitting on an old radiator by the single window which was open a crack. He was smoking and lounging, flicking his ashes out into the parking lot as he studied a bird trotting along on the pavement.  
  
"Cas." Said Dean groggily.  
  
Cas turned to look at Dean, who's bed was less than three feet away. He was grateful that they had jobs, because that equaled money and the freedom to do things like this.  
  
"Did you inform Ellen of our departure?"  
  
"Course I did. I called her while Meg was 'saying goodbye' to you."  
  
"Yeah, Meg gets a little clingy."  
  
Dean sat up and rested his back against the headboard, giving Castiel an odd look. Noticing this, Cas said, "What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Tell me." He demanded, drawing from his smoke.  
  
Dean then rose from the stiff mattress and came over to sit beside his friend on the broken radiator. He felt the nip of cold air coming from the open window.  
  
"It's just... do you like Meg?"  
  
"No." Replied Cas without a moment's hesitation.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"No means no, Dean."  
  
Dean scoffed. "Jeez, someone's in a mood this morning."  
  
Castiel looked Dean in the eye, and Dean looked back. The sixteen year old proceeded to lean forward, so close that Dean could smell the faint scent of shampoo in his barely washed hair. Castiel then opened his mouth a peak, just enough to, rather seductively, blow smoke in Dean's face. Dean felt the urge to cough, but did not because Cas hadn't yet moved away.  
  
"Cas?" He was surprised by the hoarse tone of his voice. He then realized something that frightened him a little. Castiel was getting even closer. Closer.  _Closer._  Then he leaned back once more, gazing out the window as if it never happened. After a moment, Dean collected himself and said, "What the hell was that?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"Make me."  
  
Dean snorted. "No problem. If you don't tell me then I'm just going to assume that you're a fag and that you have the hots for me."  
  
Castiel raised his eyebrows but said nothing. Dean paused.  
  
"Um, you're not gay, right, Cas?"  
  
"Well I'm not just straight, that's for sure."  
  
Dean's mouth hung agape.  
  
"What?"  
  
"So when do you wanna go shopping for some stuff?"  
  
Well, Dean kind of knew it all along.  
  
___  
  
The first place they stopped was a mini mart for some coffee and food, and then they went to a thrift store for a really cheap change of clothes. For the rest of the day, Dean was bothered by what Cas had done. He would have shrugged it off if he didn't end up jerking off to it later that night. Now he was officially scared. He thought about what his intentions might have been. Was Cas  _really_  being flirty? If so, why? When Dean got in bed around ten, he watched his friend sit by the window like he had earlier. This time, Castiel didn't have a cigarette.  
  
"You going to bed anytime soon, Cas?" Wondered Dean, feeling awkward. He found this to be upsetting.  
  
"I was thinking I'd go for a walk." Replied Cas solemnly.  
  
"Whatever." Dean said, more bitterly than he meant to.  
  
"Are you alright?" Asked Cas, coming over to sit beside Dean.  
  
Dean turned over in bed and faced Castiel. His azure eyes were oddly entrancing in the moonlight. Dean hated himself for thinking that.  
  
"Cas... I feel... different around you."  
  
"Different then...?"  
  
"Then when you did that... super seductive crap!"  
  
"What seductive crap?"  
  
"You know."  
  
There was a pause in the conversation as Castiel sighed.  
  
"Dean... I feel different around you, too."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Well, I realized that something changed in my feelings for you."  
  
Dean felt heat rise to his cheeks. "When?"  
  
"That morning we were eating at the bakery after a driving lesson."  
  
Dean fidgeted uncomfortably under the covers.  
  
"That so?" He said awkwardly.  
  
"Yeah." Cas nearly whispered, crawling under the quilts.  
  
"Whoa, what are you doing?" Dean felt slightly panicked.  
  
"Going to sleep, like you said."  
  
"In my bed?"  
  
Castiel seemed mildly amused. "Dean, we've shared a bed many times before. Nothing has to change."  
  
This was true, only Dean didn't feel like rolling over.  
  
"Yeah it does, Cas. Now that I know you're attracted to me, it kinda makes things change on its own. Wouldn't you say?"  
  
"No." Said Cas, moving closer.  
  
"Cas--"  
  
"You're my best friend, Dean. I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Can we just put this behind us?"  
  
Dean took a moment to consider this, and then nodded. Honestly, he wasn't really sure he could let it go that easy.  
  
___  
  
By early afternoon the next day, the two were ready to pack up and head back to Lawrence. Castiel was sad that their little vacation was over, but it was nice to get away for a few days. As for Dean, he couldn't wait to get the hell out of dodge. He hated himself for feeling so nervous around his best pal now, but he did. Once they were back home, Castiel went to his own house, much to Dean's disapproval. Castiel wanted to, though. He said that running would get them nowhere. Starting then, he covered up the cuts on his wrists with bandages, and he covered the bandages with his usual attire of baggy sweaters and odd jackets.  
  
Michael was furious, and Rachel seemed passive. It was like their rolls were reversed. After a long session of his father's yelling, Castiel went up to his bedroom to text Meg and apologize for trying to kill himself in her house. Meg sent back.  
  
 _it's ok, Clarence. it's not ur fault ur nuts._  
  
Castiel huffed a laugh and typed a reply.  
  
Cas:  _Thanks, Meg. I owe you._  
  
Meg:  _do u now?_  
  
Cas: _What's that suppose to mean?_  
  
Meg:  _how about i come over to ur place friday?_  
  
Cas:  _What day is it?_  
  
Meg:  _wednesday u moron_  
  
Cas:  _Oh. Why do you want to come over?_  
  
Meg:  _if u owe me, then do u think we could try a date?_  
  
Castiel hovered over Delete. Did he like Meg at all? He figured it was worth a shot, if for no other reason then to let Dean know that he wasn't going to make any unwanted advancements on him.  
  
Cas:  _Okay. You've got yourself a date._  
  
___  
  
Much to Castiel surprise, Rachel let him visit Dean. She was acting really weird. Almost respectful. She even defended Cas when Michael struck him across the face last night for running off with Dean. When he arrived at the Winchesters' Thursday evening, he was greeted warmly by John and Mary.  
  
"Dean's upstairs in his room." Said John as he helped the boy out of Dean's leather jacket.  
  
"Thank you." Said Castiel without much emotion.  
  
Mary smiled fondly at him. "You're such a unique boy."  
  
"Thank you." He repeated, turning his back on them to walk down the hall towards the staircase.  
  
Sam and his not-so-secret girlfriend Ruby were coming down the stairs as Cas was going up.  
  
"Hey, Cas." Said Sam as he scrunched himself into the corner to avoid bumping into him. Ruby did the same.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Dean's in his room."  
  
"So I heard."  
  
Once at the top of the steps, Cas went straight for Dean's room, not bothering to knock. Dean jumped a mile when his door opened. He had been sitting on the floor and browsing through a Busty Asian Beauties magazine.  
  
"Cas!" He yelped, closing the magazine and hiding it behind his back. "Don't do that! I thought you were mom or dad."  
  
"You're disgusting." Decided Cas, shutting the door behind himself as he entered.  
  
Once he took a seat beside Dean, he said, "I need your help with something."  
  
Dean got up to stash his porn under his mattress before returning to his spot on the rug across from his friend.  
  
"Okay. What is it?"  
  
"I have a date."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Castiel bit his lower lip, not wanting to tell him who it was going to be with.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"Shut up. Look, I just need you to teach me one valuable lesson, considering how uneducated I am in this field."  
  
"Alright." Said Dean, flashing a cocky smile. He then clasped his hands together and said, "Where should we start? Oh, never forget to tell your date she--uh, or he--looks great. It's the first thing you say, even if they're wearing what they always do. Another thing is--"  
  
"Dean, please. I'm not talking about any of that."  
  
"Then what are you talking about?"  
  
"I... I'm going on a date with Meg."  
  
Dean sighed warily. "Seriously?"  
  
"Just forget that, okay? You know Meg. She's... um, how should I put this?"  
  
"A slut?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but that's beside the point."  
  
"Is it?"  
  
Castiel rubbed a hand over his face. "Dean, please." He whined.  
  
After a moment, Dean rolled his green eyes and responded, "Okey-dokey. What do you need?"  
  
Cas let out a sigh of relief. "Don't hate me, but would you mind teaching me how to kiss?"  
  
Dean felt his heart jump into his throat. He so wasn't ready for this.  
  
"Uh, sorry?"  
  
"Look, Dean... I already made it clear to you; I'll never hit on you again in any way, because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. To prove it, I'm going to squish my feelings for you down by starting to date, and Meg was the easiest option."  
  
"So you're using her?"  
  
"No, I'm just... using her."  
  
Dean chuckled light heartedly. "Thanks, Cas."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"I dunno. For not making things so difficult for me. You're already looking for someone else. You're awesome."  
  
Cas smiled faintly.  
  
"Okay, let's get this over with." Said Dean, scooting closer to the younger boy. "So, if you're not sure it's the right time to lean in, just hint at what you're looking for and let her pick up on it."  
  
Castiel nodded, seemingly absorbing the information firmly, as though he were a soldier in training.  
  
"There are a couple things you can do to pull this off. You could keep your lips parted slightly, or you could look at the other person's lips."  
  
Dean then demonstrated this by flicking his eyes down to Castiel's dry lips for a brief moment before meeting his azure gaze again. Castiel ignored the flip flop his stomach did, and simply tried to focus on what Dean was saying.  
  
"If things are going well, maybe you could kiss her somewhere else, like on the cheek or something. If she seems okay with that, it might be safe to move to the mouth."  
  
Cas nodded and swallowed, his Adams apple bobbing.  
  
"Now let's cut to the chase, shall we? So there are obviously multiple ways to kiss. First off, whatever you do, don't purse or pucker, cause that's just not cool. Another thing, if it was anybody other than Meg, you'd want to start out slow."  
  
Castiel groaned. "Just let it go, Dean." He pleaded, agitated.  
  
"Fine, fine. Anyway, don't drool, either. Try to maintain some sort of... uh, spit control or something."  
  
"Can we try it?"  
  
Dean paused. He knew it was coming, but he felt better if he delayed it as long as he could.  
  
"Okay." He said, moving even closer to Cas. Castiel did the same, and soon Dean was leaning in. Once their lips touched, Dean felt a surge of heat pass through his whole body and settle low in his gut. Ignoring it, he guided Cas along, and the other boy's tongue slipped into his mouth. Dean knew at once he was a natural.  
  
Their tongues explored each other, and when Cas deepened the kiss even further, Dean automatically started sucking on his bottom lip. They made out sloppily for a few minutes before Dean abruptly pulled away.  
  
"Um..." He said, swallowing. His voice was strained with arousal, much to his annoyance. "You're good." He cleared his throat. "Yeah, you'll be fine."  
  
"Dean--"  
  
"I'm sure Meg will teach you anything else." Dean laughed nervously.  
  
They stared at one another for a moment until Cas dived into the older boy's lap and kissed him hungrily. Dean returned it, his hands carding roughly through Castiel's dark hair. When they parted to catch their breath, Dean saw that Castiel's hair was a mess. It was hot, mostly because Dean had made it like that. He felt something cozy stir inside of himself, and he licked Castiel's neck up to his ear, where he gently nibbled along the shell. Castiel moaned, and Dean's jeans felt too small.  
  
"Cas." He breathed, clutching his bulky sweater.  
  
"Dean."  
  
Castiel then moved his hands up under Dean's T-shirt and scraped his nails teasingly along Dean's skin.  
  
"Cas." Dean repeated, more urgently this time.  
  
"I know, Dean. Me too."  
  
"No, Cas!" Dean then shoved him off.  
  
There was a pause, Cas wiping his kiss swollen lips with the fabric of his Pink Floyd sweater.  
  
"I... you should go." Said Dean, getting to his feet.  
  
"Dean, I--"  
  
"Don't."  
  
Castiel then rose from the carpet as well, his eyes scanning Dean's body on instinct. The desire there made Dean shiver. He felt angry. Cas had said that he wouldn't try anything on Dean if he didn't want him to. Then again, lustfully making out with your best friend didn't give any signals that the advancement was unwanted.  
  
___  
  
Meg showed up at Castiel's house around seven Friday evening. His parents and his siblings were all in the dinning room already started on dinner.  
  
"I ordered pizza." Said Cas.  
  
"Hello to you too." Said Meg, moving past him and into the old Victorian.  
  
Castiel slumped his shoulders, heading into the living room to put on a movie. Meg followed, her face filled with concern.  
  
"What's gotten you down, Clarence?"  
  
"Nothing." He lied, looking through his collection of stupid DVDs.  
  
"Cas." She said, crossing her arms.  
  
"It's nothing. Just forget it."  
  
She sighed, sitting down on the sofa and resting her feet on the coffee table in front of her. Castiel settled for The Descent. When he took a seat beside Meg, the two ate pizza in silence, watching the movie contently. Half way through it, Meg said, "You wanna make out?"  
  
He did, but not with her.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Come on, don't be shy." Said Meg, moving closer to him on the couch.  
  
He thought about Dean and how upset he made him. Yet it seemed as though both of them enjoyed what they had done. When Meg climbed onto Castiel's lap, he sighed and said, "Meg, I'm sorry, but I like someone else."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"My best friend."  
  
She immediately got off of him. "You mean the short Winchester?"  
  
"Yes. His name is Dean, Meg, and we..." He trailed off, unsure if he should say anymore.  
  
"You what?" She demanded.  
  
"We kind of... kissed."  
  
Her eyes widened. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Look, it wasn't suppose to happen but it did!" He then began to ramble hysterically.  
"WewerepracticingkissingwhenthingsjustgotoutofhandandwestartedtogetintoitandnowDean'smadandI'mscaredandIdon'tknowwhattodoand--"  
  
"Slow down!" Meg shouted. "Deep breath, Clarence, deep breath."  
  
Castiel did as she instructed.  
  
"Okay, good. Now calmly tell me what happened."  
  
"Dean and I kissed, and we both liked it."  
  
Meg took a moment, nodding slowly to herself. "Okay, so... why did you decide to try a date with me?"  
  
Castiel shrugged. "To get Dean off my mind."  
  
Meg pursed her lips, clearly displeased with this revelation.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just going to ignore how insulting that is and give you a little piece of advice, Castiel."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"If you like Dean and he likes you, then what the hell are you waiting for?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Meg rose from the sofa and stretched. "Don't be stupid. That dude would die for you, and I'm pretty sure you'd do the same for him. Go get em', tiger."  
  
And that was how Castiel's first date ended.  
  
___  
  
When Saturday came, Cas slept in until the late afternoon. He cried most of the morning away, and bared through the rest. Eventually he ended up texting Dean an apology, but he did not respond. No surprise. He ruined a life long friendship. Now who would he confide in? Who would be there to tell him that the voices weren't real, or that he was loved despite the damage his parents inflicted on him emotionally?  
  
When he came downstairs, the first thing his mother said was, "Do you hate me?"  
  
Castiel froze on the landing of the steps. "What?"  
  
"For what I've put you through all these years. Do you hate me?"  
  
He swallowed.  _Yes_. "No."  
  
Satisfied, Rachel left the room. Castiel sighed and followed her.  
  
"Mom, do you think that what you're doing is right?"  
  
Rachel was in the kitchen eating a chunk of brie. "What do you mean?" She wondered.  
  
"I mean not simply taking me to see doctor. Is that right?"  
  
She stared at him.  
  
"If you think about it," he continued, his hands settling easily behind his back. "I could die. Who knows? Maybe I'll jump out of a moving vehicle, or perhaps I'll be hallucinating and not know a car is coming when I cross the road."  
  
"Let it go, Castiel." She said passively, not bothering to meet his eyes.  
  
"If I try something like that again, I will never forgive you." Said Castiel, so quietly she almost didn't hear.  
  
"Try something like what?" Rachel asked hesitantly.  
  
Cas rolled up the sleeves of his baggy sweater and held out his wrists. The cuts were still bright red and deep, but not deep enough. Rachel gasped and came over to her son.  
  
"Oh, Castiel... what did you do?"  
  
"Something I don't regret in the least." He replied, his voice breaking. "I'm sick, mom. I really am, and I need help."  
  
____  
  
Under normal circumstances, the first thing Cas would do is tell Dean the good news. But he still wasn't answering his texts. So Castiel told Meg the news, and she said to go to Dean's house and tell him in person.  
  
"But don't forget what I said, either. Aim for something romantic." She had added.  
  
Despite how stupid he felt, Cas did what she suggested. He brought Gabriel's old stereo to Dean's house one night after making a CD collection of his favorite songs. Standing in the Winchesters' front yard, Castiel turned the volume all the way up and pressed play, holding the radio in the air and swaying to the music. As the instrumental intro to Only for you by the Heartless Bastards played, Cas texted Sam to let him know that it was go time.  
  
____  
  
As Sam Winchester was standing in the living room, his phone buzzed. He grabbed it from his jacket pocket and read the new text message.  
  
Cas:  _Ready when you are._  
  
Sam then hurried upstairs to Dean's room, not even bothering to knock. Dean jumped.  
  
"What the fuck is with people these days?" He shouted. This time he was just playing video games. Sam ignored him, going over to the window above his bed and opening it all the way.  
  
"Sammy, what are you doing?" Dean asked warily.  
  
When silence came, Dean rose from the floor as he heard music. He climbed onto his bed next to Sam and looked out into the night. There was Castiel, Gabriel's old radio in hand, singing along with one of those weird songs he liked.  
  
 _It's been awhile since I've felt this way about someone.  
I'd really really like to know you more.  
Oh oh I know you more.  
  
Oh, your eyes, they sing a song to me and I, I'd really really like to go to it.  
Oh oh, go oh_  
  
Dean smiled. He couldn't help it.  
  
 _And I, I will oooooooooohhhh open my heart  
And I, I will, ooohh oh only for you_  
  
He then abruptly left his bedroom, raced downstairs and outside towards Cas, Sam watching from the window and laughing the entire time. Seeing Dean, Cas set the radio down on the grass and opened his arms, inviting Dean in. Dean gladly obliged, adding a rather messy kiss into the mix.


	4. Stage Four: Lake Castiel

Castiel Milton fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. He couldn't believe the day was finally here. After sixteen fucking years, he was finally here. He pinched himself. Was this actually happening? Their family doctor had referred him to a specialist by the name of Charlie Bradbury. Another thing that surprised the hell out of Cas was that his mother was really doing this. He was getting the help he needed. It was a long road, he knew. One he'd only just begun to travel. Better late then never, though.

He wished Dean had been able to come, but Rachel didn't want him to. Oh, well. He could hike over to Dean's after this. It had been two weeks since Dean and Castiel started going steady, you might say. Sam seemed fine with their relationship. Dean was so thankful he almost cried, but he swore Cas to secrecy. So far the two were taking it slow. Kissing and hickies is where it's at. Cas enjoyed every moment they spent together in a whole new way, as did Dean.

When it was one-thirty at last, Dr. Bradbury emerged from her office.

"Castiel Milton?"

Cas stood up, and Rachel smiled up at him from the magazine she was reading. "Don't be nervous, Castiel."

He was. He then followed Dr. Bradbury into her office. When she took a seat behind her desk, he sat in a large swivel chair opposite. Dr. Bradbury didn't often take patients in on Saturdays, but she made an exception. She asked questions that were easy enough to answer, but Cas was still uncomfortable. He told her everything. From voices to panic attacks and everything in between. The only thing he left out was that he tried to kill himself. His mother said he'd end up in a straight jacket if he spoke of it. The appointment lasted all of an hour, and then he was free to go see Dean. Dr. Bradbury told Rachel that the next step should be a full physiological analysis, which was scheduled to start next week.

Until then, Charlie Bradbury recommended a number of therapists for Cas to see. On the drive back, Rachel dropped Cas off at Dean's. As he made his way toward his unofficial home, he looked back. Just once. Maybe his mother wasn't such a bitch after all.

____

Dean lifted Castiel's Tegan and Sara sweater up over his head. Underneath he was wearing a gray T-shirt with skulls on it. Dean took that off, too. Now shirtless, Castiel blushed in a way that made Dean get hot and bothered. He wanted to go all they way, but he wasn't sure Cas was ready for that. Instead, he took to sucking hungrily on his collarbone. After that, he licked his way into the younger boy's mouth as he moved him toward the bed. Once Cas flopped down on the strange patterned quilts with Dean on top of him, he removed Dean's shirt, as well.

Honestly, this was too much without actually going for it. Dean was so hard he thought he'd die, and when he leaned over Cas with his knee between his legs, he couldn't help but notice that Cas was, too. He then kissed the boy beneath him with a new found urgency. He wanted to distract himself from his growing erection, and from Castiel's for that matter.

"Dean." Moaned Castiel, causing the older boy to pull back abruptly.

"What's wrong?" Wondered Cas, breathless.

Dean moved away from him to sit on the edge of his bed.

"Nothing. Let's just... stop." He replied.

Castiel sat up too. "You okay, Dean?" He asked, stroking his friend's bare back.

Dean really wanted to spend the rest of his Saturday with Cas, but he just couldn't do this without ending up pushing Castiel too far.

"Let's... go for a walk, yeah?"

Cas nodded gratefully. "Yes."

"Good. Cold showers first?"

____

They decided to walk to Earl park, which was about ten minutes away. They were both too old to, but they played tag like they were five and six again. People stared. People will always stare. It didn't matter. After running around for what seemed like an eternity, Castiel and Dean collapsed into the soft yellow grass flaked with snow beneath a large tree in the center of the park. As they caught their breath, Cas turned his head to look at Dean with a fond smile playing on his lips. When Dean saw this, he grinned right back. Castiel smiled politely around strangers and figures of authority, but only because he had to. Rarely was his smile genuine, and when it was, it was targeted at one person, and one person only. Thinking of this made the older boy's stomach flutter, and so he gently leaned closer to Cas and kissed him softly, then pulled back and looked up at the blue sky littered with puffy white clouds.

This day was perfect. The smile had yet to leave Castiel's lips as he observed the clouds as well. Pointing to one cloud in particular, Cas said, "You know, that looks like a dragon."

Dean snorted. "You're so corny." He then scooted closer to his friend until their shoulders were brushing, Dean inhaling a sense of endearment at Castiel's old Tegan and Sara sweater. It also carried a smell that rang of sweet nostalgia. The two pointed at shapes in the clouds for a half an hour when Cas felt himself shift. No, the world shifted. It was a very real and physical sensation. He was falling. Of course he wasn't really, but it felt so real that he wanted to scream. He looked over at Dean, who was running his mouth, but Cas couldn't hear over the pounding in his ears, so he reached across the diminutive space between them and held Dean's hand.

He tried not to grab on too hard so as not to alarm the older teen, but Dean gave him a look nonetheless. Eventually he felt grounded again, and he came back to reality to hear Dean calling his name.

"Cas!"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Dude, I've been rambling on about my little brother's delusions here! Haven't you been listening?"

_"Castiel."_

Ignoring the hissing voice inside his head, Cas responded to Dean. "No, I'm sorry. I was lost in thought."

Dean's face scrunched up in concern, and he squeezed Castiel's hand, which was so cold his teeth started chattering. Cas didn't seem to even notice.

"You need help, man." He said lightly.

Cas huffed a laugh, not that any of his laughter was genuine, either. "Lucky for you, I'm finally getting some. Now what were you saying about your brother?"

Dean sighed. A thick gray cloud was moving in to meld with the rest. Maybe it would snow some more.

"He thinks I should go to college."

"Why wouldn't you?" Wondered Cas.

Dean shrugged, an odd movement in his position. "You know why, man. I'm just not cut out for it. I mean I'l take my GED, but I don't think I'll take up college."

Castiel sighed. "You're a looser, you know that?"

"Yup." Dean chuckled. "But I'm your looser, right?"

"Of course."

Castiel then rose from the ground, extending his hand out to the boy still laying. Dean took it with a smile, and Cas didn't let go until they reached the body of the large tree they'd been under.

"What are you doing, Cas?" Asked Dean.

Instead of answering, Cas removed a pocket knife from his saggy black jeans (at least they weren't skinny jeans) and gave it to Dean. Dean furrowed his brow at the serrated switch blade in his hand.

"What the hell do you want me to do with this?"

"Carve our names into the tree." Replied the younger boy, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Cas, I really don't think you should be carrying knives after... well, you know."

Castiel immediately stiffened, but said nothing. Dean did as he was told and began the task of carving their names into the large leafless tree. As he did so, he wondered what his parents would say if they found out that he and his oldest friend were an item now. Better yet, what would Castiel's parents say? He knew for a fact that Cas had an eye for men, despite his attempt at dating Meg. Obviously he ended up having no interest in the girl, or Dean wouldn't be following orders to do one of the most girlish things he's ever done. When the humiliating name carving was finished, Dean stepped back with Cas and they inspected his work.

_Dean & Cas, 12/3/2013_

Castiel leaned his head on Dean's shoulder.

"I like it."

____

Castiel went to his house in an uplifted mood. Well, as uplifted as Cas could be. That is until he heard screaming upon entering the old Victorian. It didn't bother him so much these days. Everyone was use to Rachel and Michael arguing, especially when they were drinking. Cas had no doubt that they were doing just that this evening. When he casually passed the living room where his parents were, Michael called out to his son.

"I heard what you did, Castiel! Tried to kill yourself? For what? Attention?"

Castiel froze in his tracks, ipod hovering over PLAY. After clicking it, Cas turned to his father and said, "Go to hell." And then, as calmly as before, he was mounting the steps up to his room. Once inside his small but cozy bedroom, he sat on the floor and began to sketch. It was a broken heart in black marker, with red marker to make the blood dripping from the two halves. He couldn't hear the screaming over the music, and he thought about texting Dean. Before he could, however, someone stormed into his room. It was Michael. Castiel's mouth went dry. He faintly heard his mother calling his name before Michael slammed the door and locked it, then swiftly undid his belt and held it in hand like a whip. Cas closed his azure eyes, focusing on the music.

_And the lilies on the ground._   
_They're much heavier than sound._

And as he let himself fall into the music, he slipped into a different state of mind. One he knew well. It was a place Gabriel liked to refer to as Cassie Land. All he could hear was his music, and he hardly felt the blows of the belt. He might not have felt it at all if he'd left his sweater on when he came inside, but he didn't, and his T-shirt was hiked up past his shoulder blades, his pale back a canvas for Michael to paint.

_And they stretch out to the sea,_   
_As far as you from me._

Deeper and deeper he receded into his own mind. Once he was lost in Cassie Land, he knew it would be hard to get back out again, but then he thought that maybe he didn't need to leave here. No one would hurt him in his own head. He thought of Dean. A memory came to him, one that had been teasing at his brain for awhile now. He heard crickets, or some sort of insect chirping constantly. D, C, E, D. Dean's smiling face, and his own. Why would Castiel be smiling? He must have been happy. Yes, he remembered now. They'd been writing a song together, one they never finished because they were only little children, and their knowledge of writing music was obviously limited. The story of a profound bond, a series of scribbled music notes on a hand drawn music staff.

He was vaguely aware of his surroundings, enough so to see that he'd been sketching that very piece of music he and Dean wrote one blissful Summer long ago. When he gained further awareness, Michael was gone, and he was on his stomach, his back a bloody mess. Lifting his rug burnt chin, he studied his sketchpad. Beside it was the drawing of the bloody heart. He'd ripped out that page when he was finished. Currently on the pad was a music staff with the opening notes of their song. He decided then that he would finish The story of a profound bond. Then he was getting to his feet and removing his shirt all the way because the fabric was stinging his open wounds.

Just like that day when he was dragged from his home and back to his parents' house, he was no where near crying. Under the circumstances, he should have been, but he simply was not. Perhaps he'd dried up all his tears by now. He continued to think of that Summer's day. He realized then that it had been the one time in his entire life that he was something close to happy. One time. He hung onto that as he heard his parents start screaming again. He guessed that his siblings were locking themselves in their rooms. Gabriel was probably out at some club or something though. He wished that he'd never been born. If only he could go back in time, he'd tell his parents not to have another child.

____

On Sunday afternoon, Dean Winchester sent Castiel a text inviting him to come over and play video games with him and Sam. He got no reply. Going against the impending dread in his gut, Dean ignored it. On Monday, Dean went to Castiel's house to see if he wanted to walk to school with him. When Rachel answered the door, she looked shaken and sleepless.

"Uh, is Cas here?" He wondered. He'd heard from Cas that Rachel was being more supportive of her son, so he figured he could extend a bit of courtesy in return.

"Yes, he is," she replied tiredly. "I'll go get him."

She then shut the door without inviting the seventeen year old in. When Cas came outside a moment later, he was actually layered in a fashion appropriate for the cold weather. He had on an ugly pale green sweater with some anime character on it, and red block letters that popped out announcing, "The Pillows". He assumed this must have been one of the weird bands Castiel listened to. On top of that, he was wearing the leather jacket he received from Dean years ago. His black hair was a complete mess, and he was wearing a pair of blue jeans far too large for him, so they hung low on his narrow hips, tripping him up occasionally as they walked.

Dean looked up at the row of trees they traveled beneath every time they took this route to Lawrence High. There were no leafs left, and so Dean could see straight through the bone like branches and up into the bruised sky.

"Hey, Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think we actually need our jobs? I mean, now that you're getting help and all."

Castiel shrugged absently, so far gone that he thought he might have been dreaming. Noticing how spacey the sixteen year old was, Dean put a hand on his shoulder to halt him. Castiel would not meet his green eyes.

"Cas, what's up with you, man?"

"What do you mean?" Cas was yanking his hair, his head tilting with the aggressive motion.

Dean grabbed hold of both his hands to stop him. "Look at me." He said lowly, inches from Castiel's sunken and vacant expression.

Cas did not look at Dean, but instead seemed to be looking past him at something. Dean spared a brief glance over his shoulder, but there was nothing there.

"Cas?"

"Remember that song we wrote?"

Dean felt his heart drop. He couldn't get a hold of his best friend. It was like he'd just finally snapped all the way, and was now trapped somewhere inside his own mind. Dean had a suspicion he wasn't all that wrong, and that scared him shitless. He shook the other boy's shoulders, and Cas finally met his gaze. Dean let out a sigh of relief and stepped back a bit.

"Hey. You with me?"

He nodded in reply, an apologetic frown on his face. Dean sighed.

"Just don't go too far away. I don't know what I'd do without you, buddy."

He realized how pathetic he sounded, but he just couldn't bring himself to care.

"Of course. I'm so sorry, Dean. Is it okay if I stay at your house tonight?"

Dean nodded. "Of course, man. You know you don't have to ask."

"I don't?"

Dean chuckled, patting him on the back. "Let's go. We're gonna be late for school."

____

It happened in the cafeteria. Some kid named Alistair decided it would be fun to mess with the emo freak. Dean and Castiel were sitting with a bunch of other teens who they weren't exactly acquainted with, when Alistair came over and shoved Cas out of his seat. Dean instantly rose to his feet from the chair across from his friend.

"Hey!" He shouted.

Castiel got up slowly, then brushed himself off and sat back down. Alistair let out a throat laugh.

"Oh, so that's how it's going to be?" He bellowed, then picked up Castiel's tray and dumped the contents all over him, milk standing out in contrast to his dark hair. Dean held his breath. Then it happened, so fast that no one had time to react. Alistair was on the ground, Castiel on top of him. The former was a bloody mess within seconds, until he gained higher ground, grabbing Castiel by the lapels of his leather jacket and throwing him against the table, knocking over a bunch of people's lunches. Dean rushed over and grabbed Alistair from behind, trying to get him to stop choking his friend. Once he succeeded, Alistair turned on him and gave a right hook that sent Dean reeling. He fell into a teacher, and needless to say, he and Cas stayed a good long time after school.

____

Mary Winchester was busy putting ice on Dean's swelling eye while Castiel refused any further help than what the nurses at the school already provided. It was pizza and wing night at the Winchesters', and Cas always felt more at peace curled up on the sofa with Dean's family watching Dr. Sexy M.D. Mary wasn't angry with either of the boys, whereas John had another thing to say. While Castiel played Sorry by himself on the living room floor as he waited for Dean to join him, John came and sat across from the sixteen year old. He was pinned with a piercing blue gaze that set him on edge, though he'd never admit. John could hear Sam and Dean arguing in the kitchen while Mary tended to her eldest. He vaguely wondered how Dean put up with Castiel's cold, vacant eyes and stoic expressions. He must have been use to it by now.

"Listen, Cas..." he started, but the boy wouldn't look at him. "Don't take it personally, but I gotta ask: Did you start that fight?"

Without missing a beat, Castiel responded. "First of all, none of it was my fault, nor was it Dean's. And second of all, why would you ask that?"

"Sorry. I had to." John explained.

Castiel shrugged. "No, you didn't, but whatever gets you through the night."

John studied him. There was something different about the teenager. Something had changed. He heard from Dean that Castiel was finally starting treatment, so that should be a positive thing, right? But whatever was eating at Cas was not positive at all. When he was about to address this, Dean came in with the ice pack in hand.

"Ready to play Sorry?" Asked Castiel.

John noted that Cas would look at Dean more than he would anyone else. He hardly ever made eye contact, but it seemed that Dean was the exception. As John rose from the carpet, Dean took his place across from Cas.

"We'll be eating around six, boys." Called John over his shoulder as he walked away.

Dean observed that Castiel's expression was dark. As they reset the game board accordingly for two players Dean asked, "Is something wrong, man?"

"Nothing is."

Dean didn't believe that for a second. Castiel was different since he went home Saturday evening.

"Cas... you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Of course. I wouldn't lie to you."

Dean took a deep breath, then released it slowly as he began to shuffle the Sorry cards. In the low lighting, he could almost pretend that the bruises Alistair had inflicted on his friend weren't there. They ran from the tip of his jawline down to the corner of his swollen lip. Mary was really upset about what had happened, but she was not upset at them. She believed it when they told her it wasn't their fault.

"You sure?" Asked Dean quietly.

Castiel moved his yellow piece from Start. "Your turn."

____

During Dr. Sexy, Sam and Dean argued about who was sleeping with who, and about whether or not it was gay to have Ranch dressing with your hot wings. Castiel felt a sense of peace and home wash over him. Mary hushed the boys while John joined in the argument. Afterwards, Sam, Dean and Castiel went up to Sam's room to watch a cheesy horror movie. Sam lounged on his large bed, while Dean and Cas were spread out on the floor at the foot of the bed with a carton of chocolate vanilla swirl ice cream between them. Sam was the only one who knew about their relationship, and mostly to annoy Dean, he awed and oohhed at them.

Dean loved vanilla, and Castiel loved chocolate, so they always got the mixed kind. Eventually Dean stopped watching the movie and turned to look at Cas. He was intently concentrated on the film in front of them. Dean felt his heart throb, and warmth flooded into his cheeks as he grinned. It was just so endearing that Castiel did everything with a serious face on. He then scooped up a generous amount of vanilla ice cream from his side of the container and pressed the spoon to his best friend's nose. Castiel recoiled, ripping the sticking spoon from his face and tossing it back into the carton aggressively.

"Very funny, asshat." Said Cas, half melted ice cream dripping from his nose down onto his lips. When he was about to use the sleeve of his pale green sweater, Dean grabbed his hand to stop him, leaning over and licking the frozen dessert from Castiel's pink lips.

"Holy shit guys!" Exclaimed Sam, covering his eyes. "That's way scarier than this stupid movie."

"Shut up." Hummed Dean contently as he worked to lick the rest of the vanilla from the sixteen year old's face. Castiel laughed. Actually laughed. Dean hated himself for being such a girl, but he couldn't find any other metaphor: It sounded like an angel singing. It had been so long since he'd heard that sweet ring of laughter from Cas. So loud and warm. So welcomed. It made Dean want to take him right here, Sam be damned. He didn't have to, though, as Castiel did it for him. He pulled the older teen into his lap, kissing him like he was starving.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Said Sam, getting up from the bed. "Guys, this is my room."

Neither noticed Sam at all as they continued to make out rather audibly.

"Guys! I'm serious. Not in here. Go to your own room!" He shouted. He would go over and just break them apart, but he did not want to get in the middle of all that groping.

When Dean pulled away, he licked his lips, and Sam relaxed a little.

"Better than pie." Said Dean fondly.

Castiel's azure eyes lit up at that. He then leaned in and whispered into Dean's ear, "I bet you'd like to lick that ice cream off of more than just my face."

Castiel's warm breath went straight to the bulge in his jeans, and he was rendered helpless. He turned the other boy's head and kissed him. Hard. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Okay. Break it up. Party's over." He said, getting up and opening the door to allow the two love birds to leave his room.

Cas abruptly pulled their lips apart and laid back on the rug on his side of the jug of ice cream. "My apologies. We'll behave."

Sam sighed, then shut the door again and went back over to his bed. "Good."

Throughout the rest of the movie, when Dean tried to kiss Cas he'd put a spoon full of chocolate ice cream in the way, and eventually Dean gave up.

____

Rachel Milton crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you really think so?" She wondered, so softly that Gabriel almost hadn't heard. They were standing under the annoyingly bright florescent light in their kitchen.

"Yeah. Dad's always been an ass, mom. You deserve better."

She huffed a bitter laugh at that. "No. I don't deserve better. You kids deserve better. It's my fault for marrying him."

"You don't get to choose who you fall in love with." Said Anna, emerging from the adjoining dinning room.

Rachel felt her lip tremble, so she bit down on it. "Kids... what have I done? I... I let my life fall apart around me, and I didn't lift a finger to stop it."

Ever since Michael had beat Castiel, he had disappeared, returning no one's calls. Gabriel shook his head. He glanced over at Uriel and Raphael, who were playing a game of poker at he breakfast nook.

"Hey, you guys gonna jump in on this?"

Uriel shot Gabriel a cold glare. He wondered with an absent mind if that's where Castiel got it from.

"It's none of my business." Said Uriel.

Raphael nodded in agreement.

"Oh, go fuck yourselves." Gabriel sighed.

"Gabriel!" Admonished Rachel.

"Sorry." He smiled sheepishly, but he did not sound sorry at all.

"Amway," said Anna pointedly, ignoring her brothers. "It's not your fault, mom. No, you can never get back the years you wasted with dad, but you can make a future for yourself. For all of us. Just divorce him. You saw what he did to Castiel. Is it worth it?"

____

He was walking into the street, despite the fact that a pair of blinding white headlights were racing towards him. He stood there, facing those glowing orbs. They pierced the darkness of the night and seemed to call to him. He walked toward the oncoming car, and soon he was met with the fat grill of a Jeep. Then he woke up. He was laying beside Dean under the covers, the older teenager snoring softly. He cried. He cried like he had never cried before. And here he was thinking he'd finally dried up Lake Castiel, but no.


	5. Stage Five: Royally Pissed

The psychological anaylsis was eight hours long all together, so Dr. Bradbury broke it down into four seperate days, two hour sessions each. Castiel Milton took a series of tests such as reading, math and other tasks involving comprehinsion. He also took a few questionaires here and there, and when he did, each one brought up if he'd ever thought of, and or acted on suicide. Finally, he realized that this was also a large problem that needed to be adressed. He told the truth: Yes, he had thought about it all the time, even had dreams about it and yes, he tried to kill himself recently. After his first session, Dr. Bradbury spoke with Mrs. Milton about his attempt on his life.   
  
Charlie's office was spacious and sparsely furnished. When Rachel took a seat on the opposite side of the doctor's desk she said, "So what's the deal?"  
  
Charlie sighed, adjusting her glasses. "Your son... did you know about his suicidal tendencies?"  
  
Rachel swallowed around the lump in her throat. "Yes."  
  
"How many times that you're aware of has he tried something like this?"  
  
Rachel assumed she was talking about Castiel trying to cut his wrists.  
  
"Only one--this incident."  
  
Charlie nodded absently and scribbled down some notes.  
  
"Okay. I've already talked to Castiel, and he told me all about his death wishes. It's some pretty scary shit."  
  
Rachel pursed her lips. Dr. Bradbury was unlike any psychologist she'd ever met before, not that she's meant many, of course. Charlie seemed to pick up on the other woman's surprise as she grinned broadly.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Milton. I'm not like many doctors."  
  
 _So I've noticed._ Thought Rachel with mild amusement.   
  
"Perfectly fine. So what do you propose we do?"  
  
____  
  
Okay, Cas had to admit, he wasn't expecting this when he was called back into Dr. Bradbury's office. Actually, he wasn't really sure what he was expecting, but he knew it was defiantly not this. Then again, he was a little relived because it would mean getting away from his situation at home for a bit. Since Michael had left without words of his whereabouts, Rachel had spiraled down into depression and drinking every night, which caused Gabriel and Anna great distress, and much like Castiel, Raphael and Uriel just didn't care. There was an awkward silence after Dr. Bradbury delivered the news. Rachel's face was twisted into distress, and she rubbed comforting circles into Castiel's back. Not that it comforted him, as he never hugged or touched his parents in any way.  
  
"Anything to say, Castiel?" Said Charlie, seemingly concerned.  
  
Cas shook his head. "No. So when will I be admitted?"  
  
Charlie sighed and removed her gold rimmed glasses and set them down on her wooden desk. "Well, I can't let you leave this office without knowing you'll be hospitalized. You know, legally and what not."  
  
Castiel nodded. Charlie went on to recommend hospitals with connecting psychiatric wards. Under the circumstances that the patient was aggressive and refusing to be admitted, the police would have to be involved. However, Cas did not put up a fight and just listened to Dr. Bradbury's recommendations and watched his mother write down the directions, completely willing to go along with it.  
  
____  
  
St. Claire's hospital had a childcare psychiatric ward. It was about an hour and a half from Dr. Bradbury's office. On the drive, Castiel texted Dean what was happening, and promised his best friend that he'd visit him as soon a he got out. Dean replied that if he could, he'd visit him at the ward. Dean was royally pissed that Cas had to go to a damn mental hospital. At first Castiel didn't give a crap what happened to him, but as soon as he set foot in the Main Room, he changed his mind. He did not want to be here one bit. The faded sickly yellow of the walls were everywhere, and the multicolored tiles of the floor were scuffed and dirty and carpet was nowhere to be seen.  
  
As Rachel consulted with a doctor and they worked to get Castiel signed in, a middle aged black nurse took his blood pressure and then handed him a brown paper bag.  
  
"Remove all items from your pockets, and put your shoelaces in here, too." She then rested the large bag at the round table he was seated at and hurried off to go do something else.  
  
Castiel stared blankly around the Main Room. The space wasn't that large at all. From where he was sitting, he could see through the windowed wall into an adjoining room where big blue chairs were lined up precisely to create the illusion of a very big couch. There were at least three rows of these blue chairs, and then behind them there was one very large rectangular table, and then a few feet away there was another table, only this one was round. Since it was mid afternoon, children of both genders were sitting around watching television, and some were playing board games and such.  
  
Finally, Castiel bent down to work his laces from his flat black tennis shoes. After a great struggle, he got the frayed strings out of the loops, and then he put them inside the brown bag. He only had his cellphone in his pocket, so he removed that and put it in the bag, too. He decided to keep the pack of chewing gum. No one would ever know, and he desperately needed it right now because he was fairly certain he wouldn't be allowed to smoke here. Once his mother was done with the register, she came over to give him a quick hug and then she was off, and Castiel felt empty, cold and lost.  
  
____  
  
Dean propped his feet up on the coffee table with a root beer in hand as he watched Dr. Sexy reruns. He was bored out o his mind. He was so upset after reading Castiel's text messages. They better damn well treat him right, or there would be hell to pay. Mary baked pie for the boys to cheer them up. Sam came to sit with his older brother and watch the dramatic television program that he despised, but it was for Dean. They ate pie together and Sam did his best to distract Dean by insulting Dr. Sexy, because he knew Dean had an obvious crush on the guy.  
  
"The cowboy boots are just tacky!"  
  
Dean glared at him. "Sam, part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Duh!"  
  
Sam just rolled his eyes. Mission complete.  
  
____  
  
The food was disgusting. The boys ate at one table, and the girls at another. There were arguably more girls than boys, so they got the larger rectangle table, and the boys got the smaller round one. Dinner was some sort of curly pasta and strange chicken with vegetables on the side, a small container made of foam with soup inside, a small thing of milk, (which tasted exactly like school milk) and a foam cup of flat diet Pepsi. It was all awful, and they didn't allow you to have any salt, only pepper. Cas could not figure out the logic in that. They did however give you butter, and he put that all in his noodles to give some flavor, but it still tasted like shit. He hardly ate anything at all, and apperently the nurses rated that. He got 25% for only eating some of his soup, which wasn't half bad.  
  
After the meal, (if you could call it that) Castiel chewed his strawberry flavored gum and sat in one of the rows of couches with the other boys and watched television. It was boring. At one point one of the boys asked Cas if he'd like to play poker. Castiel agreed. They went over to the larger table and started a game, and some other people joined in, too. The boy who'd offered him to play was named Benny, and he and Castiel go along quite well. Benny won each hand of poker until Cas finally won with a flush. After that, more boring TV.  
  
____  
  
Bedtime at St. Claire's was rather late. It was around eleven PM, and snacks were given shortly before then, and also you could play video games at night. Castiel didn't partake in video games much, though. The things that bothered him about this place were that first of all, you didn't get to drink anything other than water from a fountain if it wasn't meal time, and even then you had to ask to go drink it, which sucked ass because he was constantly thirsty from all the gum he was chewing. So he drank a lot of water, which meant he had to pee often, and you had to ask to go to your room and do that, too. The girls and boys weren't separated too strictly, but they did not share rooms. Castiel's roommate was a black boy named Gordon. He had obvious anger issues and apparently an imaginary friend who he said was nice but could sometimes be a bitch. Castiel hardly slept. Throughout the night, nurses would come in to check your vitals and sometimes have you pee in a cup.  
  
In the morning, you weren't aloud out of your room's until nine, and on weekends eleven. You had to make your beds before leaving your rooms as well. While Gordon was brushing his teeth in their shared bathroom, Castiel sat on his newly made bed because he had nothing better to do. He didn't ask the nurses for a toothbrush yet, so he couldn't brush his teeth. He was too anxious about showering to shower, not that he really minded. He'd gone weeks without a bath before. When they were finally let out of their rooms, breakfast was served almost immediately. It was waffles, and they provided a tube of butter and a tube of syrup. The orange juice had no pulp, which Castiel was a little upset about. After breakfast, he asked the nurses about toothpaste and a toothbrush, and then he went into his room to brush his teeth. Sometimes he neglected to ask permission, and he didn't doubt they noticed.  
  
Rumor has it that if you don't eat, and if you don't ask for permission for certain things, they count it as bad behavior and you have to stay longer. Despite that, Cas did what he wanted. He didn't really shower, he hardly ate, and he didn't normally make his bed. Sometimes they'd let you interact with the opposite gender if you were all just sitting around in the Main Room watching TV. There was a girl named Ava Wilson who he played Rummy with. He liked her well enough, but in truth he really didn't like anyone besides Dean. He didn't consider anyone to be an actual friend other than Dean. While playing Rummy with Ava on the couches while watching Spongebob, she asked him why he was here. He decided not to tell her. Apparently, she was here for doing drugs.  
  
After lunch, Cas did the same thing they always did: Watch TV. At least this time they got to watch a movie, and it wasn't a cartoon, either. He found himself wrapped up in the film, desperate to see what happened next. At around four it was room time. You stayed in your room for an hour, and they never let you shut your doors all the way. Nor did they let you open the blinds of your window, but Castiel did it anyway. Gordon had the bed next to the cabinet which served as a closet, and Cas had the window bed. Outside the large window was the courtyard of the adult psychiatric ward. Castiel could see only men out there right now, and almost everyone of them had a cigarette. He could really kill for one of those right now.  
  
"Man, crazy people really smoke a lot."  
  
Cas looked to his left to see Gordon standing in the middle of the room.  
  
"You noticed that, huh?" Said Cas.  
  
Gordon chuckled and stepped onto the older boy's bed and then onto the thick marble windowsill. He stood to the side so as not to block Castiel's view. Gordon was fifteen years old, very straight forward and to the point, and he was apparently the bully at his school. Cas thought the guy was kind of okay, and he told everybody Cas was the best roommate because he always cleaned and didn't talk much. But because of this, room time was boring if Cas didn't talk. Whenver Gordon tried to engage him in conversation, he'd respond with affirmative or negative answers, nothing more. It was like he was some sort of emotionless stoic freak. When room time was finally up at five, you were required to go outside to the courtyard of the children's ward and engage in an activity.  
  
The man who ran the outdoor activity told everybody to call him Edgar. He said that you didn't necessarily have to do any PE, just as long as you were actively engaged in something so that he could tell the head doctors that the patient was participating in their daily activities. Castiel choose to write. Before Edgar handed him a pen, he said, "I'm trusting you with this."  
  
 _Go fuck yourself._  Thought the sixteen year old, but what he said out loud was, "Okay."  
  
And then he wrote on the two sheets of ruled paper he got. He wrote about his feelings about things. He wrote about Dean and the voices in his head. Though he sat at the wooden picnic table with the other kids, he didn't pay any attention to them. He got lost in his writing, and when he was done, he asked Edgar for some string to make a bracelet. With the beads which were in a large plastic container, Castiel spelled out Dean's name along the black string.  
  
____  
  
Dean and Sam both stared at their mother with disbelief.  
  
"I can't believe you did that!" Said Sam, waving his arms in a wide gesture.  
  
Mary had the audacity to invite Rachel Milton over for dinner one night.  
  
"Mom," sighed Dean. "She pretty much told Cas to take a hike for all those years."  
  
"I know, I know." Said Mary, shaking her head. "But she deserves a second chance."  
  
"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that." Muttered Dean, leaning back against the kitchen counter.  
  
Cas' mom came around seven. Mary made homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes. They all ate in the dining room in silence for quite some time until Rachel spoke up.  
  
"I just wanted you all to know that I... I'm sorry."  
  
No one responded, until Mary Winchester put down her fork, swallowed her mouthful of food, cleared her throat and then said, "We know."  
  
And that was that.  
  
____  
  
Castiel grit his teeth. This doctor was really starting to make him mad. Who did he think he was? Dr. Henriksen and Castiel were sitting at a table behind the wall which separated this side of the Main Room from the other, not that the wall stretched all the way across. Not to mention the wall had many windows in it, so not even the illusion of privacy was created.  
  
"I'm not lying." Cas said simply.  
  
Dr. Hneriksen shook his head. "You expect me to believe that?"  
  
"No, but it's the truth."  
  
They stared at each other for a moment, the older one's expression smug.  
  
"So, you just waltz in here talkin' about seeing shadows and hearing voices, huh?"  
  
Castiel nodded, unaffected by the mockery in his tone. The black man leaned across the table and spoke in a low voice.  
  
"Cause you see, I deal with crazy all day everyday. People who hallucinate the way you say you do don't just announce it to the world, cause they don't want you to think they're crazy."  
  
"Your point?"  
  
"You're not crazy, Castiel."  
  
"Thank you. I guess I must be a Medium, then."  
  
Dr. Henriksen leaned back once more, a smile creeping along his lips. "I like you. Now cut the crap."  
  
He then began writing on the papers attached to his clipboard, and then he looked up at his patient again.  
  
"Let's start with you trying to kill yourself. You wanna tell me about that?"  
  
Cas shrugged like it was no big deal. "I was sad, so I tried to end it all."

The man nodded, notating things as the sixteen year old spoke. "Okay, so... how do you feel about that?"  
  
Castiel looked away. "As in?"  
  
"As in, you're sad all the time, right?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"You know, that I do believe. I mean, yesterday while you were talkin' to the other patients during lunch, I could see it. It's coming off you like heat off a furnace. Can you describe that feeling for me?"  
  
Castiel bit his lower lip, his heart pounding in his chest. "In one word, I'd say hopeless."  
  
A flicker of sympathy came over the doctor's face, but it was too brief to really notice.  
  
"Some people describe it as being like a hole. Do you ever feel like that?"  
  
 _It's... a hole. Don't you understand? I can't feel sorry for you. I can't feel anything!_  
  
The boy's mouth went dry. Oh yes, he was very familiar with that void inside himself. No one could make it go away. He was empty, cold and emotionless. He was a stone. He felt himself begin shaking uncontrollably, so he held his hands together and put them in his lap in a weak attempt to hide it. His voice was raw when he spoke.  
  
"Yeah. I... I feel like that all the time."  
  
He had tried to prevent his voice from breaking, but he failed miserably.  
  
"Okay, so, do you wanna kill yourself right now?"  
  
Cas swallowed thickly and nodded. Dr. Henriksen sighed. "Who do you live with?"  
  
"My mother and my father."  
  
"Alright. And do you get along with them?" By now the man wasn't even looking at him, he was just writing away as he talked.  
  
"Not particularly." Said Cas honestly.  
  
"How come? They bite down on you often?"  
  
Castiel shook his head. "No, it's not like that. We just... well, I get along better with my mother, but our relationship isn't all that great, either."  
  
"Well you know, sometimes dad's know more than you. They gotta protect you from what's out there."  
  
The boy felt his fists clench beneath the table. Was this guy actually defending his dad's position, having no idea what the situation was like?  
  
 _What the fuck kinda doctor are you, anyway?_  Thought Castiel bitterly. He couldn't wait until this little session was over.  
  
____  
  
After the first week of being here, the nurses finally made Castiel Milton shower, which wasn't very pleasant to the wounds on his back. His mother brought over more clothes and a book to read. By now Cas' roommate was gone, as most of the teenagers and children here were just passing through for some stupid reason or another. Though other inmates came and went, Cas stayed put. Often the kids here were moved from room to room to bunk with others, but no one made Cas move out of his room. He was still in the room on this end of the Main Room, still in the same bed by the window. It was room time now, and Castiel lay on his uncomfortable bed with its stark white blankets and sheets, staring up at the ceiling.  
  
On the marble windowsill were the papers Castiel had collected over the days when he wrote during outside time. Even though he wasn't suppose to, he kept a pencil from one of those times on the windowsill beside his writing. Every time he would lay on his back and look up at the gray ceiling he'd see the words a former patient wrote:  
  
 _Goodnight_  
  
And then there was a smiley face beside it. At some point during room time, a doctor came in and made up the other bed.  
  
"I got you a roommate." He said as he worked.  
  
Castiel disapproved, but because he liked this particular doctor more than the others, he replied, "Awesome, thanks."  
  
Once alone again, Cas sat up on the bed and opened the blinds. The sky was bruised and there was fresh snow that was untreaded on the ground. The courtyard of the adult psychiatric facility was currently uninhabited. He grabbed a piece of paper from the sill and used a side he hand't filled to begin working on the song he and Dean wrote when they were little. Basked in grey light, the sixteen year old felt a sense of loneliness wash over him. He did not want to be here.   
  
 _"Run."_  
  
Cas sighed and looked around. The door to his room was pretty much closed except for a slight peek.   
  
"No. I'm going to behave so that I can leave this place." He said to the voice.


	6. Stage Six: Vanilla Ice Cream

_Ache, throb. Ache, throb. Ache, throb._

 

Castiel closed his eyes, the last thing he saw being the words written in pencil above his bed. He faintly heard his new roommate doing something in the bathroom. He felt himself recede deeper and deeper into Cassie Land. Eventually he felt like he was spinning. He felt weightless and gasped when he felt like he was floating. So real. So beautiful. It was as if he was on acid, but in truth he was not. 

 

_Ache, throb. Ache, throb. Ache, throb._

 

He had been so depressed lately that he felt it weigh him down physically. The ache inside inside his soul ran so deep right now that he feared he might die. Then again, death would be a blissful release, wouldn't it? He heard The story of a profound bond ring in his head clearly. He'd added a few more notes to the piece of music, and now it was arranged for piano. He heard someone talking, but he just assumed it was in his head, that is until his roommate shook him out of his trance. Blue eyes snapped open and looked at the blue ones Adam had. 

 

"Room time's over." 

 

____

 

Dean was hanging out with Ash and Jo during break time at the Roadhouse. Ash was smoking, and when he offered the seventeen year old one, he declined. Of course smelling the smoke right next to him reminded Dean of Cas, especially since Ash smoked the same brand. Dean groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. He missed his crazy pal more and more each day. By now, Castiel had been at St. Claire's for three weeks. There was talk of his release soon, but it never seemed to happen. Because of this, Dean was endlessly hoping and was always anxious. 

 

____

_Castiel looked over at Dean as they lay beneath the large tree in Earl Park. He smiled warmly at the older boy, but Dean frowned and stood up._

_"What's wrong?" Wondered Cas, his voice so distant and... not his own._

_Dean loomed over him and started yelling. "You're just such a weirdo, Cas! Being with you is like pulling teeth! Do you even realize how hard it is to take care of you? I mean, you can't even tie your own goddamned shoes!"_

_Cas rose as well, his face firm but his azure eyes betraying him as they began to swell with tears. "Dean, I--"_

_"Save it for someone who cares you freak!" Dean then shoved him, and Cas stumbled and landed on his ass in the snow._

_"Dean!"_

_But Dean was walking away... leaving him. He deserved it, he knew, but it did not make it hurt any less._

_"D--_

 

____

 

"--ean!" Cas sat bolt upright in bed. Adam jumped awake do to the other boy's screaming. Castiel almost forgot that he acted out his dream sometimes. Breathing heavily, he said, "I'm sorry, Adam. It was just a dream." 

 

Adam sighed. "You scared the shit outta me, man." 

 

Cas wiped a sheen of cold sweat from his forehead with his Tegan and Sara sweater. While here at the hospital, he never slept without layers on because the room was constantly cold. After a moment of silence, Adam asked quietly, "Who's Dean?"

 

"No one." Replied the older boy, laying back down on the hard bed. 

 

"Doesn't sound like no one." Muttered Adam. 

 

____

 

The dream bothered Castiel. He couldn't get his mind off of it. Here at a mental hospital, you had a hell of a lot of time to just think. There wasn't much else to do. What if Dean really did see him as a burden? His biggest fear was that he'd weigh down whoever he cared most about, and they wouldn't love him anymore. What if that dream meant something? He tried to push away these negative thoughts as he watched One flew over the cuckoo's nest with Ava. He focused instead on how ironic it was to be watching this movie. Before long, though, the thoughts were back. In the evening, most of the kids were playing video games, but Cas was resting his head on the round table on the side of the Main Room behind the wall where his room was. The other kids sitting with him watched the other ones play video games. Eventually the sixteen year old got bored and went to the other side visible through the windows to watch TV. He sat with the new girl who'd come in earlier in the afternoon. She was nervous and didn't talk much. Castiel kind of suspected they'd get along, so he sat beside her on the blue sofa and began talking. The girl's name turned out to be Cassie. Cas was amused that their names were so close. 

 

They really did end up getting along very well, and eventually they traded cellphone numbers, which St. Claire's did not permit, so they did it as secretly as possible. From then on, they ate together during every meal, sat together every time they watched TV, played video games together and talked almost all day every day. Cas realized how special she was. She didn't talk to anyone else, really, and neither did he. They clicked. He smiled. He was glad to have made another friend besides Dean.

 

____

 

Rachel Milton stood her ground. She refused to let Micheal intimidate her. Despite the fact that he was screaming in her face, she said, "You're never going to touch my son again. Leave. Now."

 

"Or what?" The black haired man practically shrieked. 

 

"Or I'll call the fucking cops!" She yelled right back. 

 

Gabriel and Uriel emerged from the living room and into the entry way where their parents were. Raphael was upstairs in his bedroom studying, and Anna was staying over at a friend's house. Michael grabbed the bag he'd already packed, turned to leave, turned back once more just long enough to headbutt his wife. Gabriel and Uriel rushed to her side as she fell to the floor, Michael leaving hurriedly after that.  

 

"I can't see." She cried, blood flowing from the gash in her head. She continued to weep hopelessly, and when Uriel offered to call an ambulance, she refused, and instead her sons cleaned her up, the trash in the bathroom filling with bloody rags. 

 

____

 

_One week later_

 

The hospital put Cas on a starting does of Prozac, because he couldn't leave until he was at least medicated with something. Cassie was calling Castiel over to her, but so was one of the nurses, Missouri. He chose to see what Missouri wanted. She was signing papers for his release and handing him a brown paper bag which she had put his clothes into. After he had that, he went over to Cassie and gave her a hug goodbye, and then he went to the front desk and signed his name by the request of one of the few white nurses here. Then he followed her directions to a small room with a door where Rachel waited for him. He never thought he'd feel this way, but he was really happy to see his mother. After they left through the door, they were in some part of the hospital or another. Clearly this was a different way than the one they used to come in. They passed many windows looking out into the courtyard of the adult psychiatric ward, and other parts of the hospital as well. Cas remembered the door that was in the children's ward. It was a door which lead to a real madhouse for really messed up patients. He wasn't sure if it was another adult psych ward or not, but whenever he sat in the front row of the couches, the door would only be a few feet away, and was always closed at all times. It gave him the creeps, and when he and Rachel finally stepped out into the Saturday afternoon sunshine after stopping by yet another desk to sign more release forms, Castiel took a deep breath and released it slowly. 

 

"I'm free." 

 

And then as they walked to the car, he saw it. The gaping red slice across the center of his mom's forehead, trailing slightly down her nose. He himself still had a couple scars from Alistair, but they had mostly gone by now, considering it had been over a month since the incident. Grabbing her arm to halt her, Cas said, "What happened to your face?"

 

Rachel violently ripped free from her son's grasp. "Nothing." She spat a little too harshly. 

 

Castiel wasted no time. "Mom, don't treat me like I'm four years old. What the fuck happened?" 

 

Ignoring his use of bad language, she responded with one word, "Micheal." 

 

Cas ground his teeth together, still carrying the brown paper bag with his clothes and his book on the naturalness of homosexuality that Rachel had brought to him weeks ago. 

 

"That bastard! Where is he?"

 

"Relax, Castiel. He's gone. I hope."

 

"You hope?"

 

"He left, alright?" 

 

Before she started the waterworks, she decided to start walking again, letting her long blonde hair fall in front of her face just so in order to hide the dent in her head. 

 

____

 

_Ache, throb. Ache, throb. Ache, throb._

 

Castiel texted Dean as he and Anna sat on the floor of their house watching The Strangers and eating popcorn that was far too buttery. 

 

_Hello, Dean. I got out this afternoon. Right now I'm watching a movie with my sister._

 

Anna scooted closer when one of the characters wandered outside her house at night, obviously going to get chopped up to death by one of the Strangers. 

 

Dean:  _what the hell man when wer u gonna tell me_  


 

Cas:  _I just did._  


 

Dean:  _yea but u could have come over 4 dinner or something if u told me earlier_  


 

Cas: _I didn't feel like it._  


 

And then he turned his phone off. He remembered that he'd left his papers at St. Claire's, which meant that his draft of their song was gone. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to care. That night, Dean Winchester climbed the tree in Castiel's backyard and knocked on his friend's window. It was around eleven, but he knew that Cas hardly slept. The tree he was currently in always scraped against Cas' bedroom window, and the screen was already torn through and had been for many years. He only had to knock once and Castiel got out of bed and went over to the window, opening the blinds. There was Dean.

 

He reluctantly pulled the window up to let him in. Once inside, Cas shut the window behind Dean. 

 

"What do you want?" He yawned. 

 

Castiel was wearing gray sweat pants and no shirt, and Dean tried not to focus on that right now.

 

"You've been worrying me." Confessed the older boy, moving further into the room.

 

Cas sighed and went back over to sit on his bed, rubbing his eyes and yawning once more. "I'm sorry, Dean." 

 

"You gonna tell me what's up with you?" He asked, coming to sit beside Castiel. 

 

The blue eyed boy hesitated, swallowed, and then said, "It's just..."

 

You're the most important person in my life, and I don't know what I'd do without you so I worry and worry about loosing you, and I just don't want that to happen. It haunts me. I feel like I'm weighing you down. You're so beautiful Dean. So kind. I'm like a dark spot staining your white shirt. You try and try to clean me out, but you'll never be free of me because of our bond, so I feel so sick inside. I'm killing you, my love. Slowly but surely you'll die, and it'll be all my fault. 

 

"...nothing." 

 

Dean brushed his friend's shaggy hair from his face, and the younger teen looked at him, something warm in his eyes. Cas' dark hair had grown since last time Dean saw him, and for some reason this saddened him. He spoke low; intimately. 

 

"Tell me what's going on with you, babe."

 

Castiel felt tears spill over, and when Dean tried to pull him into an embrace, he pushed him away. 

 

"Cas--"

 

"just leave me alone!" 

 

But Dean didn't roll like that, so he forced the scrawnier one into his arms, and held him too tightly until he calmed down and surrendered into Dean. Then he rocked them back and forth and hushed Castiel gently in his ear, rubbing circles on his bare back.

 

"S'okay, Cas. I'm here." He murmured, placing a gentile kiss on his sweaty temple. "I'm right here. I'm your home, remember? I'm here to stay."

 

He hadn't noticed it before since there were no lights on in the nearly pitch black room, but now, rubbing Castiel's back, he felt lumps and cuts all over. He pulled away and looked at him.

 

"Turn around." 

 

Castiel's eyes widened, and Dean was struck with the image of a deer caught in headlights. 

 

"Dean--"

 

"Cas." 

 

They stared at each other in the darkness, until Cas wiped his tears and stood up, revealing his damaged back to Dean. Dean barely stifled a gasp. 

 

"W-who did this to you, Cas?" 

 

The younger boy's back was swollen all over the place with bulging marks from what looked like the buckle of a belt. Dean guessed that it was exactly that. Without waiting for Castiel to reply, he said, "Michael." 

 

Cas sat back down, wrapped himself in Dean's arms again and nodded. Dean hugged him closer, kissing his head repeatedly. 

 

"But he's gone now. My mom got rid of him." Said Cas quietly. 

 

"Good." 

 

That night, they slept together flush against each other's bodies in Castiel's big comfy bed, and for the first time since he got out of the hospital, the sixteen year old got some sleep.

 

____

 

Castiel looked at Dean dubiously. "You serious?"

 

"What?" Snapped Dean, defensive as he held the ice cream scooper in hand. 

 

"Dean, that's so... well, for lack of a better word: Pathetic." 

 

Green eyes rolled and he pushed Castiel back onto the bed rather forcefully. 

 

"It's Sunday evening." He purred seductively as he crawled on top of him. "I want an ice cream Sunday, duh." 

 

He then leaned down and kissed chapped pink lips, setting the carton of unopened vanilla ice cream beside them on the bed along with the scooper. He worked the other's boy's mouth open with his tongue, and soon they were making out very sloppily, but neither gave a damn. Cas didn't realize just how much he missed Dean until now. Once both were pretty motivated, Dean grabbed the container of vanilla ice cream, opened it, and then used the scoop to take a generous amount. Then he placed it on the younger teen's stomach after lifting his shirt up over his face. Cas squirmed beneath the coolness of the frozen dessert, drawing in a sharp breath through gritted teeth. Dean spread the cream around on Castiel with his tongue, and then he began to lap it up, tongue darting down into his bellybutton to eat some that had melted in there. After awhile of this, he helped Cas to lift his T-shirt all the way off, and he tossed it over his shoulder and it landed somewhere in Cas' bedroom, but neither bothered to see where. 

 

After finishing up the last of the ice cream on Castiel's pale skin, Dean kissed him with cold lips. "You're so cute."He whispered against his mouth. 

 

Cas smiled at this. "I know." And then they were kissing again, before Dean pulled away to grab more ice cream. Castiel all but whimpered at the brief loss of contact. This time the older boy fed him large mouthfuls, and swatted Cas' hand away whenever he'd try to grab the scoop to maneuver it correctly. 

 

"I like vanilla ice cream, now." Gasped Castiel between scoops. 

 

"I knew you'd come to your senses." Hummed Dean as he licked a bit of runny ice cream from Castiel's cheek. 

 

____

 

He was in love. So hopelessly in love. He started listening to happier music. One day while he and Dean were at Earl Park, he was sprawled out on a patch of grass they'd cleared from the snow, Dean's head in his lap. The ground was cold, but that made each other's body heat all the more precious. He told Dean all about St. Claire's and the few friends and or acquaintances he'd made. He also filled him in on the medication deal, and told him that he'd be taking the rest of the psychological analysis soon, and also that the hospital required that he see a psychiatrist. 

 

"So the anti-depressants doing anything for you?" Wondered the older teenager, fingering Cas' sweater fluffy grey sweater with the word "Phantogram" scrawled across it. Where did he get those things, anyway? 

 

"Not so far, no."

 

Conversation lapsed for a bit, until Dean asked lowly, "Am I your boyfriend?" 

 

Castiel mulled over this for a moment before leaning down to kiss Dean softly. When he pulled away, he looked into bright green eyes. Holding his gaze, he replied, "I'd say yes."

 

Dean then pulled the hem of Castiel's sweater up a bit to reveal his scarred wrists. Well, one of them at least. Dean chastely kissed the most prominent scar there. Last time he saw them, they were bright and new and bloody. Now they were just faint little reminders. Dean and Castiel more than made up for their month apart. They spent every moment they could together. At work, they tried not to make googly eyes at each other, but it was difficult, so one time Cas pulled Dean away from the table he was polishing and slammed him up against the wall in the men's bathroom. He often got text messages from Cassie and he replied, but when he was with Dean, he felt as though his boyfriend was the only person in the world that he needed. Come to think of it, he always had been. 

 

It was Thursday night, and Dean and Castiel were sleeping together in Dean's bed. They'd been lying here for about twenty minutes. Well, actually, they were cuddling, but no one needed to know that. Cas' back was flush against Dean's stomach. 

 

"Dean... are you awake?" Whispered the sixteen year old, craning his head around to look at him. 

 

Though the older boy's green eyes were closed, he hummed as an acknowledgement that Cas was speaking to him. 

 

"I was thinking..." He began, grabbing Dean's limp hand from where it was hanging loosely over Castiel's midsection. Lacing their fingers together, he took a shuddering inhale. "I know you're not a virgin, but I am. You taught me how to kiss, and I'd like you to do the rest." 

 

Now green eyes opened. "Cas? What? Are you sure?" He asked quietly. 

 

Castiel nodded against the pillow they were both resting their heads on. "Yeah. I mean... when I'm ready, you know." He pressed his lips to the back of Dean's hand. Then, even more silently he added, "I'd want it to be you." 

 

Dean kissed the back of his best friend's neck. "Yeah... okay. When you're ready, I'll teach you everything you need to know." Then he placed a kiss on Castiel's ear and then snuggled in closer, his nose lost in dark messy hair. Soon Cas heard soft snoring from the other man, and he himself drifted off, a faint but content smile on his face. 

 

____

 

Castiel Milton studied himself in the mirror. The shower was running and the bathroom was filling with steam, the air humid and becoming really annoying to breath in. Dean had to shower next before going to school, so he knew he had to step on it, but just... what changed? His azure eyes no longer had halos around them, his lips had more color to them, and his frown lines were disappearing. When he ran a shaky hand through his hair, it wasn't as thin and stringy as it normally was. He was taking the time to bathe more often. What was doing this to him? When Dean called from the bedroom for Cas to hurry up, he smiled to himself. Dean. Dean was the one changing the negative things about him. Feeling his scruffy ever growing facial hair, he decided to shave this morning. 

 

____

 

Walking to school the way they always did, Dean removed his hand from his jacket pocket and held his boyfriend's. Cas looked to him with a fond smile. Dean observed that the broken man before him was smiling a lot more these days. He hoped some of that was his own fault. Grinning right back, Dean rubbed small circles over the back of Castiel's hand with his thumb. As they walked, Cas said, "I've been working on that song."

 

"What song?" Asked Dean, looking across the street at some Victorian houses. 

 

"The story of a profound bond." 

 

Dean stopped abruptly. "Huh?"

"You know, the song we wrote that Summer when we were kids?"

 

Dean nodded slowly. "You remember that?"

 

"Of course." Replied the younger boy, as if it hadn't taken him ages to recall the memory of that melody that haunted him. "I've been working to arrange it for piano."

 

Dean sighed and began to walk once more. "I don't know, man... it's kind of in the past." 

 

"What do you mean?" 

 

"Well, that memory's been like...sacred, you know? I mean... I just feel like the past should stay in the past."

 

Castiel thought about this. "I suppose that's true." He agreed. 

 

____

 

While trying to listen to the teacher explain the solution to a math problem, Cas heard it, clear as a bell. 

_"You're a dick."_

 

He looked around, but no one seemed to notice it. Chuck, who was in the seat behind him, was the only one who could have done it. 

 

"Fuck off!" He whispered back. 

 

Chuck just looked shocked and a little bit hurt. In between classes, Chuck was talking to some druggie friends about what had happened. 

 

"The guy's nuts!" He exclaimed, flailing his arms to emphasize his point. 

 

Unfortunately, Dean was passing the group. "Who's nuts?" He wondered, stopping.

 

Chuck sighed. "Your boy toy."

 

Dean's face fell. "Shut up. Now what did he do?"

 

"He's just out of it!" 

 

Dean rolled his eyes and walked on. Whatever. It's not like they knew Cas the way he did, so it didn't matter what they thought. 

 

____

 

Waking up in the morning, Cas expected this:

_Ache, throb. Ache, throb. Ache, throb._

But what he got was a dull little thud that only got better throughout the day. Sure, one might argue that it was the Prozac, but Castiel knew better. First of all, the medication would take awhile to kick in, not to mention that he was only on a starting dose right now. He knew what it was. By now he'd finished the last three sessions with Dr. Bradbury, and so all that was left were the results. It was uncertain as to when they'd be in, so Dr. Bradbury promised to call the Miltons as soon as the results revealed themselves. Usually Castiel would be sad that December came and went awhile ago, taking Christmas with it. Of course he didn't give a damn about holidays, but he knew that he did not get to spend his Christmas with Dean because he was in a mental hospital. Dean had told him he didn't miss anything, as the Winchesters simply had a quiet little family gathering, with the exception of Bobby Singer. Then again, Bobby was apparently part of the family just as Cas was. He'd only met the old guy a handful of times, though. 

On Sunday afternoon when Cas and Dean were busy being lovebirds at Earl Park, Castiel was listening to music on his mp3. When Phantogram, Voices, played, Cas changed it to the next song. He was done being depressed all the fucking time. Browsing through his playlist, though, he discovered all he had were depressing songs. Bummer. He'd have to fix that later. And just when he thought things were going so well, an ambulance raced by the street outside the fence of the park. It blared its alarms, and the sound went straight to Castiel's brain, penetrating his defenses. He fell off the bench he and Dean were sitting on and curled up in a feeble position in the snow. Before he knew it, he was panting and gasping for air, strangled sobs and moans escaping his dry throat. Dean was loudly cursing the ambulance as it faded into the distance and he got down on his knees in the snow covered grass beside his boyfriend, patting his back and muttering soothing words. 

The panic attack had been so unexpected that Castiel didn't have anytime to warn Dean prior to the incident. About three minutes later, the sixteen year old came out of it, wiping his tears on the sleeve of his crazy multicolored sweater. He mumbled something incoherent. Great. Their Sunday was ruined. Whenever Cas had a severe enough panic attack, he'd be completely catatonic and nearly unable to speak. Still tingly from the attack, Castiel let Dean help him to his feet, and as soon as he was standing, he sagged against the older boy, his limbs jello like. 

"Alright, let's get you home." Whispered Dean, kissing the top of his head before practically carrying him to the Impala. It's a good thing Dean randomly decided to take the car today. Once he laid Cas in the backseat, he hopped behind the wheel and turned the key in the ignition, the engine roaring to life. He knew that Cas was behind on his driving lessons because of the month long delay while he was at St. Claire's. He also knew that Cas had a very unstable memory, and so the younger man would have to relearn a lot of things. On the short drive back to Dean's house, Cas said what sounded like this:

"Thdn. You lws ke crme."

Dean nodded, having no idea what the poor strung out dude in his backseat was saying. "Yup." He replied, vaguely wondering what it would be like to be Castiel. Once the two were at Dean's house, Dean helped Cas in the door and up the stairs to his bedroom. They passed Mary on the way, and she shot Dean a concerned look, but her son just shook his head. Everything was under control. Once he plopped his boyfriend down on his own bed, he worked to remove the blue-eyed boy's layers, taking off his flat sneakers last. Then he crawled onto the bed beside him. Cas was completely limp and seemingly lifeless, until he started hyperventilating again. 

"Shhh." Dean soothed, picking up the boy who was in a rather vegetative state and laying his head in his lap. "Shh, I'm right here, babe. I'm right here." 

Cas whimpered as he felt Dean's fingers carding through his hair. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to feel safe in Dean's arms, but panic attacks were so physical; so real. There was really no escape, at least until the doctors got their shit together and medicated him properly and thoroughly. Shaking, his azure eyes started rolling up into his head and he distantly felt Dean's lips pressed against his own. 

"Cas, don't. Don't go." 

Go where? The thought was barely there as he felt hot tears run down his cold cheeks. And Dean stayed by him, as he always did. He stuck with him through his pain and sorrow, soothing his friend every bit of the way until mercy was given to the damaged boy in his arms and all movement left Castiel's body at once. He went on and off for about an hour until the panic attacks finally stopped completely. Cas' eyes were closed as his head was still in the older teenager's lap, and Dean stroked the motionless boy's lips with his thumb gently and affectionately. They parted slightly because Dean had accidentally worked them open, and he realized how dead Castiel was. There was no resistance when his lips opened, nor was there any acceptance. 

"Cas, you with me?" Asked Dean, something like worry and resignation at the same time tugging at his chest. 

But Castiel did not answer. 

"Cas?"

He had fallen unconscious, apparently. It was understandable. This is how it went with the rounds of panic, after all. Once Castiel's beat up body had had enough he'd just pass out and not wake up until well into the night. Not for the first time, Dean wondered what that would be like. He shuddered at the thought of having to go through that shit all the time. How did Castiel do it? Then he understood why Cas had tried to kill himself. Who the hell would want his life? It was a life that was handed to this precious soul who'd never done anything wrong in his life, and who was forced into anger and drugs and alcohol because of what he was born with. What exactly was he born with, anyway? Well, they'd find out soon enough. Looking down at the sleeping form in his lap, Dean sighed. He was disappointed that this had happened, and now he wouldn't be able to spend all day with his friend. He manhandled Cas under the covers and then got up, placing a kiss on his tear stained cheek. 

"Why'd you have to go, Cas?" He whispered, and then he left him to rest. 

____

Castiel ditched school on Monday. He was still feeling kind of strung out, so he decided to forget where that high came from, and instead actually get high. He had a few 'friends' who hung out behind a really crappy Office Max near some woods. When Castiel crossed the parking lot and then passed the building, he set foot in the shallow but well enough hidden woods behind Office Max. Their regular spot was somewhere between the trees where there was a clearing, and they all sat on tipped over trashcans or rocks or tree stumps. When Cas found his way into the clearing, one of the girls there (Bela, her name might have been) squealed in excitement. 

"Hey guys, Cas is back!" 

Not everybody called him 'Cas', but it did indeed catch on around school. Bela jumped to her feet and gave him a tight hug before pulling back and smiling at her posse. 

One of the guys there was Chuck, who thought he was completely nuts, and another was Mr. McLeod's son, who Cas did not know the name of. The other girls besides Bela were Tamara, Sarah, Ruby, (Cas didn't like the fact that she and Sam were kind of a thing) Chastity and Lydia. Cas liked Lydia best of all, not that he was particularly fond of any of them. He suspected the fact that there were more girls than boys was something perverted, no doubt. Luckily Andy came soon to join the group as well, so there were at least four guys now. Cas took a joint as soon as McLeod (everyone addressed him by his last name) handed one to him. He smoked it with practiced ease, going over to sit on a log beside Lydia. They ended up sharing the joint, and the whole time she was giving him this look. Something like... want. 

But Cas didn't exactly swing that way. As far as he knew. He'd only had one girlfriend, and that was years ago when he was nine. His first boyfriend was Dean. Chastity came over and sat in Castiel's lap, and he struggled to get comfortable on the log. Lydia giggled at them and snatched the joint from Cas' hand. He glared at her, but she just grinned and smoked the last of the roach. Shaking his head, Cas adjusted himself, and the girl in his lap gripped his saggy white sweatshirt with the words "The Delgados" scrawled across it. Chastity was wearing a bright pink hoodie and black skinny jeans, and she removed a pack of Carnival cigarettes from the pocket of her sweater. Castiel groaned.

"Don't smoke that shit near me, Chas." 

Chastity rolled her pretty brown eyes and got off of him. "Says you, Marlboro." She retorted. 

Lydia sighed at the two of them. "Just get a fucking room, guys." 

Both Cas and Chas shouted in unison: "Ew!"

Andy chuckled at the group of freaks (himself included) and got a bottle of vodka from the cooler in the middle of everyone like a campfire. "Who's up for some refreshments?" 

Everyone hooted and hollered in glee, and they all split two bottles of hard liquor, one being cherry vodka and the other being spiced rum, which Cas could drink straight without something to wash it down any day. Needless to say, they all got stoned out of their minds, and soon Cas was crying into Lydia's shoulder and telling her all about his panic attacks and depression and hallucinations. She just patted his back and hiccuped in his ear from all the alcohol. Chuck smiled at Cas easily but hesitantly. Having a loose tongue from the intoxication, Chuck asked the sixteen year old why he told him to fuck off that one time. Cas proceeded to accuse the other teen of calling him a dick, but Chuck denied it, and Cas could tell that he was sincere, and so he apologized and explained the voices in his head. Yup, the kid was defiantly nuts. No doubt about it now. 

"And Dean's okay with this?" 

They all looked over to Ruby, who was the only one not clinging to someone else as she took a drag from a cigarette. 

"How do you mean?" Asked Cas, climbing off of Lydia. 

The brunette smirked. "You know." 

He did, of course, but the question was... how did she know? As if reading his mind, Ruby spoke up. 

"Oh please. I hang around with Sammy. I've been to their house. I know all and see all, you sly dog." She winked then, and Castiel tried not to blush, but he failed miserably by the way Lydia was looking at him. 

"You and Dean? Seriously?" Scoffed Chastity from where she was sitting in both Andy and Chuck's laps, Andy getting stuck with her feet. 

Cas stood up, brushing himself off from a mix of light drifts of snow and dirt. 

"It's none of your business." 

Everyone booed and awed, and Cas rolled his azure eyes. "I better be getting back to my house, now." He slurred, stretching. He felt exhausted from too much weed and booze. As he made his way out of the coven of bare trees and back out into the parking lot, he heard ruffling behind him, and turned back to see Bela and Sarah following him, Tamara close behind. 

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" Wondered the sixteen year old, more bitter than intended. 

All three girls stopped in front of him, but Bela was the one to speak. "Chuck wanted us to give you something as a peace treaty." 

"Huh?"

She then handed the other teen a bag of white powder. Castiel's blue eyes darkened, turning the shade of the Atlantic ocean. 

"I don't do coke." He spat. "That shit kills people." 

Sarah rolled her eyes and stepped forward. They all seemed to roll their eyes a lot. 

"Don't be stupid, Cas." 

Castiel smiled wickedly. "You keep saying that, and when your hair is falling out and your uglier than you already are, we'll both know who was the stupid one, bitch." 

Bela and Tamera gasped as Sarah lunged forward, slamming a pretty damn good right hook on Cas. He stumbled then fell all the way onto the cold pavement, holding his jaw in pain though his expression remained passive. After licking the blood from his lip, Cas stood once more. He chuckled, and he seemed genuinely amused. This only fired up the angry girl further. 

"What the hell are you laughing at, faggot?" 

Dean and Castiel hadn't told anyone about their relationship until Ruby announced it, because they didn't see any reason to. In fact they didn't even really talk about it at all. They were their own people outside of any social circle, and they were happy with it, as long as they had each other. Castiel said no more, turning to walk away, pointedly without any cocaine. Once he got back to his house, he chilled out in the living room watching Dr. Sexy M.D since his mom wasn't home yet, and she hated the show. Cas would too, except for the fact that Dean liked it, so he did as well. Half way through his second episode, Gabriel and Anna came to sit with him. He looked at his siblings, puzzled. None of them were really close, and they hardly ever hung out. 

"What's up?" He wondered, grabbing the remote from the coffee table and muting the volume on the television. 

Anna smiled and shrugged, and Gabe had the same giddy grin on his face also. Cas narrowed his eyes at them.

"Okay, seriously... what gives?" 

Gabriel sighed and looped an arm around his older brother. "What say you about spending a little more quality time together?" 

When Cas looked to his red haired sister for help, she just nodded enthusiastically at Gabriel's suggestion. Castiel stood up. "Guys!" He all but shouted. 

Anna opened her mouth to provide an excuse, but Gabriel spoke first. 

"Okay, okay. The truth is mom's worried about you, and she wants us to keep a look out, so we're suppose to hang with you more often from now on." 

"Gabriel!" Anna admonished, punching him in the arm. 

"Ow!" Cried the younger teen as he rubbed his shoulder soothingly. 

Castiel ran a hand over his face and let out a sigh of exasperation. 

"What do you mean mom's worried about me? Since when does she give a fuck?" 

Anna and Gabriel exchanged looks. 

"She's trying, Castiel. She really is." Anna said, her face completely solemn now. 

And all that hurt and rage from the past bubbled up inside the sixteen year old, so all he did was nod in order to hide it. After all those years, he was finally getting treatment, and maybe one day he wouldn't be kept up by whispers. Maybe one day an ambulance could go by and he wouldn't freak out. Maybe one morning he could wake up without even the slightest trace of an ache in his soul. Maybe he'd learn to smile again. All those maybes that were now actual possibilities, but why did he have to wait so damn long? 

____

Dean knocked on Castiel's door around four o' clock. When Anna answered, Dean's moss colored eyes automatically gave her a quick once over, and she sighed and stepped aside to let him in. "Castiel is in the TV room." She said by way of greeting.

Dean chuckled and muttered a 'thanks' before going in search of his friend. Once he found him on the sofa with Gabe, he said, "Cas, we gotta go to work now." 

Castiel looked to Dean, his pupils the size of grapes. Dean gaped at him. 

"Dude, you didn't." He said with more wariness than heat. 

Cas looked away, clearly ashamed. "I'm sorry, Dean, I just--"

"I don't want to hear it." Sighed Dean, holding up a hand to silence his boyfriend. 

Castiel lazily rose from the couch and yawned. 

"No." 

"No?"

"You can't go to work while you're stoned, Cas. I'l just tell Ellen you're sick."

"But, Dean--"

"Cas." And that's how he won the argument, as he always did with that one word. Castiel felt incredibly guilty for letting him down. He knew better than to get smashed during a weekday, and in the middle of the day for that matter. Dean left without another word, and Cas could practically feel the sadness coming off of his oldest friend. That was the worst part. Dean wasn't angry at all. It's almost like he expected this of Cas by now, and that really fucking bothered the younger boy. He was killing Dean. Slowly but surely he was dragging Dean to the bottom of the ocean with him, because he'd rather be damned with the love of his life than suffer alone, and that just wasn't fair, now was it? So instead of dealing with the issue like a normal person, Castiel headed off to go drink until he passed out. 

____

Jo leered at Dean from behind the counter. 

"What?" He sounded way too resentful. 

"You've just been moping around like a teenage girl who got turned down an autograph by Justin Bieber."

"What the fuck kind of analogy is that?" Dean shot back. 

Jo shook her head. "Whatever, lover boy. But listen, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. You know that."

After a pause, Dean replied quietly, "Yeah."

And then break time was over and Dean went back to work serving customers, and he was very thankful for the distraction. 

____

When Castiel woke up Tuesday morning, there was indeed a throbbing, but not in his heart or soul, but instead in his head. He didn't make a move to go get aspirin, or a glass of water he was craving so bad. Instead, he texted Dean to get his ass over here pronto and nurse his hangover. But Dean replied that he, unlike some people, was actually bothering to attend class. Whatever. So Cas sent a message to some other acquaintances, but none of them yielded. Eventually he gave up and resorted to going downstairs to get the stuff he needed, when he saw Gabriel leaning against the kitchen counter with a coffee mug in hand, dressed in his uniform and ready for school. Gabe did not go to Lawrence High, but instead he attended a private school because Rachel and Michael liked to spoil their kids who weren't Cas. 

"Morning, bro."

"Good morning, Gabriel." Said Cas, opening the fridge and bringing out a jug of orange juice. After getting a glass from the cabinet across from him, he poured a generous amount for himself and guzzled it down, then got some water from the tap and chugged that as well. The fifteen year old whistled at his older brother. 

"jeez, Cassie, must have had fun last night." 

Cas pinned him with a cold glare, and Gabriel realized just how wrong that was coming from his own family member. Just because their parents tortured Castiel doesn't mean Gabe did. 

"I don't have fun." Muttered the blue-eyed boy, dumping his glass in the sink after taking four aspirin. He turned to walk away, possibly go back to sleep, when Gabriel grabbed his arm with the hand that wasn't holding his coffee. 

"Cas... what can I do?" 

Castiel froze, and without turning around asked, "You really wanna know?" 

And that's how Gabriel ended up faking illness to get out of school and stay home to nurse his brother's hangover. Cas learned how to reconnect with his brother that Tuesday, and both were glad it happened. There was still a lot of bad water under the bridge, and god knows that Castiel Milton was not one to forgive or forget, but it was a start, and a good one at that. 


	7. Stage Seven: Spring Air

_Eight years ago_

_Lawrence, Kansas_

 

Castiel Milton stepped out onto his screened in back porch. The Spring air was refreshing from the artificial heat of the house. Then again, he should probably have been grateful that they had heat at all, because for years they did not, and instead relied on the old radiators in their Victorian home. His dog, Einstein (Castiel's choice of name) thumped his tail eagerly at the sight of his master. Cas cooed automatically, bending down to pet the Collie senseless. After their loving session was done, Cas hooked on his leash, which only got the puppy more exited. Castiel did not feel love. It was just something he couldn't do. He felt something that he suspected might be close to love, and he only felt this for one person: Dean Winchester, his best friend. They'd known each other since Cas was born. But with Einstein, what he felt was not close to love. It was love. He finally understood after he was given this dog for Christmas. When you worried about someone constantly, when they made you smile despite however terribly your day had gone, and if when you were apart, you longed for that person more than anything. Oddly enough, Cas experienced this type of true love with Einstein and Einstein only. 

 

They jogged together around the neighborhood. Cas felt giddy around his dog, the Saturday looking bright ahead of them. He'd never been happy, not once, but with his shaggy haired companion, he almost felt like he could be. Someday, at least. When he passed Dean's house, he smiled to himself and decided to wrap up the walk quickly. When he tried to drag Einstein back, however, it was apparent that the dog had other plans. He probably wanted to play with a Frisbee, or run around Earl Park and pee on the large tree there, or perhaps he wanted a good old fashioned belly rub. 

 

"Later, boy. I promise." Soothed Castiel, bending down to stroke behind his ears. 

 

Einstein whined with pleasure, and Cas couldn't help the smile that graced his lips. This earned him points with the Canine, and he heeded when Castiel walked him back towards their house. After setting him up with a fresh dish of water and waiting a moment to watch him lap it up, Cas was off on his roller blades towards Dean's house a few blocks away. He sometimes wondered what life would be like without him. He literally hadn't lived without Dean before. They were like each other's second skin, so to speak. They never did anything without the other, and they were totally joined at the hip. Sam was in there, too, but he played the role of 'Dean's brother' in the relationship. Honestly, he and Cas didn't even really talk, and both were fine with that and didn't do anything to change it. They were basically both Dean's, and that was that. 

 

Once he arrived at Dean's, Castiel didn't even knock; he didn't have to. This was his home just as much as his own house was, maybe even more so, but he'd never say that out loud because his dad would get angry with him for no good reason. He sat down in the entry way and undid his roller blades, revealing two mismatched socks on his feet before padding into the kitchen, following the sound of voices. Mary and John were arguing about something as quietly as they could with Dean and Sam sitting a short distance away at the kitchen table while eating sugar cookies. Castiel's azure eyes lit up at the sight of the frosting on the breaded treat and he smiled when Dean stopped to look at him mid-bite. 

 

"Cas!" Yelped the older boy with a mix of surprise and joy. 

 

He then instantly rose from the chair by the window and rushed over to his friend, engulfing him in a tight hug. When Castiel started laughing wildly, Dean laughed along and Sam rolled his eyes at them. Dean picked the smaller boy up and Cas heaved but laughed even harder, and John and Mary stopped arguing to take in the sight of their son and his best friend. 

 

"You're crazy!" Grunted out Castiel. 

 

When Dean finally put Cas back down on the tiled floors, Mary smiled at them, and John chuckled lightly. 

 

"It's good to see you, Castiel." Said John, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the counter by the sink.  

 

"You too, Mr. Winchester." 

 

Then, without hesitation, he walked up to Mary and gave her an affectionate hug and a kiss on the cheek. He wasn't too proud of his train of thought, but Mary felt more like a mother to him than Rachel ever did. Mary smiled down at the eight year old and said, "You're so special." Her voice was barely above a whisper. Cas never knew what to say when Mary spoke all mysterious like that, so he just nodded, grinned and went to play with Dean up in his room, but not before grabbing the box of sugar cookies on his way, leaving an upset Sam at the kitchen table, and getting himself a proud Dean in the process. Once upstairs, Dean plopped down on his bed, and Cas did the same, putting the box of sugar cookies between them. He ate one after the other, shamelessly getting sprinkles all over the nine year old's bed. 

 

"Cas, slow down. You're gonna choke, man." Dean warned, but he was grinning like Cas was the most adorable thing in the world. 

 

"I love these things!" Exclaimed the blue-eyed boy, returning his friend's fond smile. 

 

Though all the icing on the cookies tasted the same, Castiel always preferred chocolate, just for the idea of it. Dean liked the ones with pink icing the most. Of course he did. He was a vanilla ice cream lover, and all vanilla ice cream lovers were secretly freaks. Dean had tried to turn him to the dark side, but Cas knew for a fact that he'd never learn to like vanilla. 

 

"Hey, Cas?" 

 

"Hmm?" 

 

As Castiel savagely chewed on cookies, Dean laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. 

 

"I know we agreed not to, but... could you tell me about the things you see and hear?"

 

Cas was silent as he rubbed his hands together to get the crumbs off. Dean was the only person he'd told so far, though his parents clearly suspected. Later, the voices would subside almost completely, only to come back into his life after an extreme panic attack at a Halloween party. 

 

"Dean, I wouldn't be comfortable with that." Explained Castiel as gently as he could, lying back and mirroring Dean's position. 

 

Dean sighed. "I know, buddy. I'm sorry." 

 

They wrestled around Dean's room, Cas pinning the green-eyed boy to the ground more times then he could count. 

 

____

 

Much to his dismay, Castiel could not stay over for dinner at the Winchesters'. When he rode back to his house, his father and mother were fighting again, which usually involved physical abuse as well as verbal, that is if they were drinking, which they were. Their shrieks could be heard outside of the house if you were standing in the middle of the front yard. Castiel drew in a deep breath in the fading light of the evening, feeling himself withdraw into his thoughts. He was able to shake himself out of it when he heard Einstein barking inside, and saw the Collie's head through the window in the living room as he stood on his hind legs and all but howled at his favorite person. Castiel broke out into laughter and rushed inside. After a warm greeting of petting, licking, barking and cooing, Cas grabbed his little pal's leash and took him for a walk. They ended up at Earl Park, where Cas tied Einstein's leash around a pole, and then he laid down beside him, snuggling in close to steal his warmth. Einstein licked his face and tucked his head under the crook of his owner's neck, and they fell asleep like that and didn't wake until about six in the morning. 

 

____

 

The Miltons didn't go to church on Sundays, or on any other days. So Castiel spent his Sunday with Dean and Einstein, playing poker up in his room. They heard Michael and Rachel arguing, but since they were all use to it they just ignored it. Einstein freaked out a little, rolling over on Ca' bed as though he'd done something wrong. Castiel had been bragging about his hand the whole time he and Dean were betting, so Dean thought he was bluffing. Just when the younger boy was about to reveal his cards to the world, he abruptly got up to go comfort Einstein. Dean rolled his green eyes.

 

"Dude," he said, wary of his years with this strange boy. "He's fine." 

 

Castiel gave his dog an affectionate belly rub before he responded, "He thinks mom and dad are yelling at him."

 

Dean let out a loud laugh "Yeah, right! Dogs don't think that way, Cas."

 

Castiel only smiled and nuzzled his Collie. "Einstein does." 

 

Dean's expression softened and he took in the moment. He wished he had a camera with him right about now. 

 

"You really love that dog, huh?" He chuckled softly.

 

Cas didn't seem to notice what had been said as he spoke to Einstein in a low voice, reassuring him that he'd done nothing wrong. To Dean, that was answer enough. He had noticed before how the dog and Cas seemed to be able to speak to each other in a way that scared Dean sometimes. Once while he was over having dinner at Castiel's, Cas stopped eating and looked over to Einstein, who was twitching his head to one side like he had an itch behind one of his ears. 

 

"Use your hind leg, silly." Castiel advised the animal, and Dean was about to tease his friend when Einstein did as he was told. 

 

Dean's mouth had hung agape, but Castiel just smiled at him like he knew something that Dean did not. After a nice couple games of poker, Dean and Castiel went to take Einstein for a run around the park. Like always, he marked his territory on the big tree in the middle of the fenced in area. Then they played tag, and Einstein joined in, chasing Cas far more than Dean, and Dean sat down on a bench and pouted because he was being left out. Castiel came to comfort him just as he usually did when Dean was being a total baby. Patting the older boy's back, he said, "It's alright, Dean. I'm Einstein's favorite person, so it's only natural that he'd come after me. If you'd like, I can chase you now."

 

Dean nodded and fought back tears. He was always singled out when it came to Cas and his dog. Crossing his arms, Dean said, "You like him better than me, don't you?"

 

Castiel bit his lip to refrain from laughing at Dean's childish ways. Though he was younger, he certainly acted far older. 

 

"No, Dean. Of course not." 

 

And that was true. He may have loved Einstein, but it was most likely because of the fact that he was not human. Castiel found it hard to love people, but not so hard to love creatures. With Dean, it was as if he was the only exception. He was able to feel something which he suspected would bloom into full love one day, if it was not already. 

 

"Really?" Asked Dean timidly, barely sparing a glance at his friend. 

 

"Really." 

 

Cas looked away from Dean long enough to see a women with her two children open one of the gates in the fence to enter. Einstein slipped out then, and Castiel was on his feet in a split second. Dean snapped his head up to see the younger boy take off. Jeez, he was really fast when he wanted to be. Then Dean followed, not able to catch up with Cas' speed. He maintained a good enough pace to follow him, but he was many feet behind. Einstein was running really fast, but Castiel was even faster, and Dean held back a gasp and a snarky remark. The little dude could win in a race against a car, for god's sake. He never lost a race to Dean, that was for sure. They ran around the neighborhood for about twenty minutes until Einstein got tired and laid down beneath a willow tree in someone's backyard. Cas cautiously approached the panting dog, hiding the leash behind his back, Dean now close at his heels. It was annoying that calling Einstein never worked. Sometimes not even a juicy slice of roast beef won him over when he decided to make a break for it. As the two boys slowly advanced on the Collie, Einstein met Dean's gaze. 

 

At first it didn't bother him much, but then he saw something there. It was like Einstein knew what they were doing. No wonder Castiel gave him such a name. He really was smart. For a dog, anyway. Unless of course he caught a peek at the red leash behind Castiel's back. Dean wrote it off as that, mostly because the dog's very aware gaze gave him the creeps. At the last moment, Cas leaped at Einstein and hooked the leash onto his collar with practiced ease. The dog didn't seem to mind, as he'd already given up and excepted his fate. Breathing heavily from all that running, Dean bent down, hands on his knees. 

 

"Clever little mutt." He muttered, and Castiel shot him a death glare. 

 

"What? It's not like he understand me, Cas!" 

 

Castiel stuck his chin up and ran off because he was being dragged by Einstein. 

 

____

 

Blue eyes opened Monday morning. Castiel felt a warm body against his own, and he smiled, warm little flutters of possessiveness racing through his chest and stomach. He absently stroked Einstein as he faded back into sleep, too comfortable and content to worry about getting ready for school. He must have fallen asleep for only about five minutes more when Rachel came into his room to wake him up. When Einstein whined and snuggled in closer to his master, Rachel sighed and left the room. Cas heard the sound of pots and pans, and soon he smelled bacon. Einstein did too, if the way his nose was twitching was any indication. But it seemed the Collie was too comfortable, and he sighed and closed his eyes again to sleep. Cas kissed his head and then closed his own eyes, when Rachel called from the kitchen, "Bacon, Einstein!" 

 

And that did it, the dog instantly jumping up and letting out an exited yelp and making Castiel cringe at the sharp noise. Once Einstein was out of bed, Castiel was dramatically less comfortable, and so he got up as well to go eat his own breakfast. That morning, Dean arrived a half an hour before school so that they'd have time to walk. When he rang the doorbell, Cas got his old dirty trench coat on and headed out the door, a piece of toast hanging from his mouth. When he stepped outside, he was surprised to feel that the Spring air had warmed up a bit. 

 

"Good morning, Dean." Said Castiel cheerily. He greeted Dean like that every time he came to his house to walk with him to school. 

 

Dean grinned. "Morning, sleepy head."

 

Cas glared, then glanced further down the street to where his siblings were piling into their car and going off to private school. Turning his attention back to Dean, he asked, "How'd you know I slept in?"

 

Dean ruffled his best friend's hair, and Castiel swatted his hand away with an even darker glare, if that was possible. 

 

"Cause your hair's even messier than normal."

 

Blushing, Cas frantically tried to smooth out his black hair with his hands. Dean laughed at him, bending down to tie Castiel's shoes for him. 

 

"You really gotta learn how to do this yourself, Cas." He sighed.

 

Castiel groaned. "Dean, I can't."

 

"It's not that hard." Insisted the older boy as he finished one sneaker and started on the next. 

 

"It is for me." Said Cas, his voice barely above a whisper. 

 

Once that was taken care of, the two boys walked to school, passing beneath a row of trees along the sidewalk, as they always did. When Dean looked over at his friend, he saw a wet line run down the back of his overcoat. Grabbing his arm to stop him, he asked, "What is that?"

 

"What's what?" 

 

"That." Said Dean, gesturing to the obvious wetness. 

 

"I can't see my back, Dean." 

 

Cas was craning his neck around to try and see when Dean instructed him to just take the coat off and look. When he did, he grinned and said, "Oh, that! Yeah, Einstein peed on my jacket."

 

Dean backed away from the soiled cloth with a disgusted expression on his freckled face. 

 

Laughing Castiel continued. "I threw it somewhere in the corner of my room cause I didn't feel like hanging it up, and in the middle of the night I woke to see Einstein claiming it, so to speak." 

 

Dean cringed. "Cas, that's just... you're messed up." 

 

"I know."

 

"Seriously, you're gonna go to school wearing a pee covered coat?"

 

Cas shrugged like it wasn't weird at all. "I always did want a peacoat, come to think of it." 

 

Dean flailed his arms. "What the hell?"

 

Cas stepped forward and put a hand over the older boy's mouth. 

 

"Watch your language, Dean." He scolded, then stepped back.

 

Dean wiped at his mouth with the sleeve of his plaid shirt and spit on the sidewalk in front of him, nearly catching Castiel's shoe. 

 

"Don't touch me with those urine hands!" He exclaimed, genuinely upset with the eight year old. 

 

But Castiel just laughed and began walking once more, Dean following after and calling him insults which he took to be very serious and threatening, but which just made Castiel laugh even harder. 

 

_"Meanie!"_

_"Stupid dumb butt!"_

_"Pee pervert!"_

_"Big fat jerk!"_

_"I'm telling on you!"_

 

____

 

Later that evening after they'd forgiven each other, Dean and Castiel were in the Miltons' backyard making pretend cakes out of mud. Michael would have a fit, but Rachel said she'd handle it when he got home from work. From inside, Einstein could be heard barking non-stop, and though this annoyed the heck out of Dean, Cas seemed to be use to it and not bothered in the least. You could access the backyard if you walked out the door in the screen of the back porch, or you could use the wooden gate which was part of the wooden fence surrounding the small square yard. Their weeds were really bad and never seemed to stop growing, and Dean didn't like it because if you sat down in the grass, all the weeds would engulf you and it made him itch a lot. Again, Castiel didn't mind so much. Sharing Dean's red bucket, the two piled dirt in it and then used the hose to wet the soil, and then they'd wait awhile and dump it out in the molded shape on the pale. 

 

Castiel liked to pretend that he was some sophisticated chef, speaking in a really poor French accent. Dean made fun of him for it, but Cas never seemed to care. They sliced the chocolate (mud) cake in half and pretended to eat their slices while discussing important business, such as what scraps of junk from the neighbor's yard they could use to make a clubhouse. They decided on using two (uneven and weak) wood planks to cover the open spaces that lead to under the back porch. Once they got that done, they entered through a latch on the side of the house that lead into the basement, which actually was not much of a basement at all, but rather a bunch of dirt and brick walls beneath the Victorian house. Dean hated the basement with a fiery passion. He told Cas that it was because basements were fundamentally haunted, but the truth was he hated it cause there were so many spiders and the like down here. 

 

After making their way through the basement, they were able to open the other hatch that lead outside, only this one was under the back porch, and so that's how they'd get into their clubhouse from now on since they'd blocked all other ways in and out. They'd made little huts and forts before this one, but they usually got torn down when the children were bored with them. Cas did all the errands when they needed something from the house because Dean was a chicken and they both knew it. No way was he gonna travel through the basement and out the other end every time he wanted a snack or something to read. Later that night after dinner, they stayed out here together under the screened in back porch with Castiel's small but bright electric lantern. The Miltons had one for each room in case of a power outage, and Cas really wasn't suppose to use it for fun, but whatever. It was around eight-thirty at night when Dean was getting too scared of Castiel's ghost stories to put up with it anymore, and they decided instead to talk about the dreams they'd had. Cas ended up talking all about his nightmares, and Dean covered his ears and begged him to stop. Eventually they settled for playing Sorry under the florescent light of the lantern, speaking in hushed tones as though this moment was something sacred. 

 

____

 

Tuesday afternoon found Dean taking care of Einstein while Castiel went shopping with Mary. It was four o' clock now, and they'd be back by five or so. Dean checked the clocks every so often, bored out of his mind. Why did he have to be the one to stay home? Einstein almost always needed something to do. Well, he was only a puppy, right? But after awhile Dean stopped giving him excuses and forced the pup to sit on the couch with him and watch TV. To distract Einstein from barking at the windows again, Dean tapped on the television screen to get his attention, and the Collie cocked his head to one side, then started growling at the old lady and her cat in the movie. Dean broke out into a hurl of laughter. This dog had some serious personality. When it was time to take Einstein for a walk, Dean didn't make too much of an effort. Instead, he unhooked his leash once he was in the fenced in backyard, and decided to leave him there for a bit to run some energy off or something. 

 

While waiting, he made himself a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich, even though Mary didn't like for him to eat so soon before dinner. A few minutes later, he went outside with Einstein's red leash, jumping the fence (it was simply easier than undoing the lock stuck into the ground) and calling for him. It took only a quick scan of the square yard to discover that Einstein was nowhere to be seen. Dean searched around the house, and then around the neighborhood, but the dog was lost, and it was all his fault. And that's when he saw that the gate had actually been unlocked, and therefore Einstein could have pressed the slightest bit of weight against it and he would have gotten out. Dean could have sworn he'd thrust the latch into the ground.

____

 

_Two months later_

 

"Cas, if he really loves you, he'll come home." 

 

By now Castiel Milton had calmed down and excepted what had happened. At first he'd told Dean that he never wanted to see him again for what he'd done, but then he came to his senses and realized that no matter what, Dean was his best friend and always would be, so they'd made up and set up posters around town with a picture of Einstein on them, pleading for whoever finds him to bring him home. Dean was acting far too nice to Castiel, and so he told the older boy that he did not have to do that; he'd already forgiven him. Dean would never forget this, because Cas didn't forgive just anyone. But Dean was the exception, as he was to most things with Castiel. Eventually they realized that Einstein wasn't coming back, most likely cause someone else had already taken him in. Because of this, Cas was sad for a very long time, and one evening after dinner when Dean was on his way out the door to go back to his own house, Castiel called after him. Dean turned around. 

 

"What is it, Cas?"

 

Casitel's azure eyes were glistening with tears, but not a single one was shed as he handed Dean his favorite tan trench coat. Dean scrunched up his nose, taking it carefully with his forefinger and thumb and sniffing it.

 

"Dude, you never washed this after Einstein peed on it, did you?" 

 

Castiel shook his head and smiled a little, which he hadn't been doing lately. Dean mentally stabbed himself for being the one to cause such sadness in his best friend's life. 

 

"I haven't washed it, and now I don't want to."

 

Dean sighed, trying not to just burn the stupid smelly pee coat. 

 

"Well what the heck do you want me to do with it?" 

 

"Throw it out." Replied the other boy simply. 

 

Dean gaped. "But, Cas, you've been wearing this since you were born!"

 

"Um, that's physically impossible, my friend... and I know, but it hurts me to where it, so throw it out."

 

Dean nodded, patted his friend on the shoulder, and then left the Miltons', but he did not throw it in the trash outside. Instead, he took it home and put it in the trunk of their car, where it would stay even when Dean was old enough to drive it. He never told Castiel that he kept his trench coat in the trunk of the Impala, and Cas just assumed he'd thrown it out. Later that year, Mary was talking about getting another dog for Castiel, but Cas swore that he'd never have another dog again. 

 


	8. Stage Eight: The Iron Curtain

Waking up next to Dean was something Castiel could get use to. Not that he hadn't slept with him for many years, but now that they were officially an item, it felt like something more profound. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and tucked in close, smelling his hair. Dean stirred, and Cas kissed his temple. Dean unconsciously met his lips, and then opened his eyes, coming into full awareness. Castiel pulled back after a moment and ran a hand through Dean's hair. Dean hummed with approval and kissed his boyfriend's palm. 

 

"Good morning, Dean." Whispered the blue-eyed boy. 

 

"Morning." Dean chuckled, rolling over and on top of Cas. 

 

He kissed the smaller teen deeply, and Castiel returned the gesture every step of the way, fingers tangling in Dean's short hair. After awhile of sloppily making out, Dean groaned and pulled back abruptly. 

 

"What's wrong?" Asked Cas, breathless, his hand going still in his boyfriend's hair.

 

"I..." Dean swallowed, his voice thick with arousal. "I'm hard."

 

They paused and stared at each other before Dean got up to go take care of it. 

 

"Wait." 

 

Dean stopped. "What? You want me to bring you something?" 

 

Castiel decided not to answer his question with words, getting up and stripping off his own T-shirt.

 

"Whoa, Cas, what are you--"

 

Castiel cut him off by pressing their lips together rather forcefully. Dean tried to speak through the kiss, but as soon as his mouth opened, Cas shoved his tongue down his throat. Dean gave up with a tired sigh, pushing the younger man back down onto the bed. They made out some more, and when they pulled apart just long enough to breath, Dean asked, "Are you sure?"

 

The boy beneath him nodded. "Yeah... I'm ready." 

 

Dean didn't know whether or not to believe him, but all thoughts left his mind at once when Castiel's long fingers moved to cup his hard on through his pajama bottoms. It's a good thing it was the weekend, or both would be going to school horny as hell if this didn't pan out. Dean drew in a sharp breath at the touch, and Castiel grinned up at him and kissed his nose before removing Dean's shirt for him. Once that was out of the way, he trailed kisses down his boyfriend's torso, stopping to suck a bruise on his hip bone. Dean groaned, and Cas flipped them over so that he was on top of Dean now. Green eyes went wide, but before he could protest Cas pulled down Dean's pants and ghosted warm breath over his cock. 

 

"Cas, do you even know how to do this?" Rasped Dean when his mind came back to him. 

 

"No." Said Castiel honesty, spreading Dean's legs wider in a hurry. 

 

Dean grabbed onto his boyfriend's hands and stopped him. 

 

"Cas, I'll teach you, but you gotta calm down, alright?" 

 

Cas nodded, realizing for the first time that he was trembling. Shit, not now! Before he had time to dwell on it, Dean was kissing him again and mumbling something about how he'd start. So Cas ended up on his back against the mattress, legs spread wide and Dean in between them. After he worked off the younger man's pants, he wrapped his lips around his erection, getting a gasp in return. He smiled around Castiel's cock, and when he sucked him off he grinned even wider when Castiel screamed and then came in his mouth. Dean swallowed all of him down, and once he was done he kissed Cas to give him a taste of himself. Castiel was limp and exhausted already, but now that Dean had demonstrated how, it was Cas' turn to treat him. When he first felt the warm flesh in his mouth, he almost vomited, but Dean ran soothing fingers through his dark hair and spoke in a low voice so as to reassure him, and Castiel had the courage to go on. Eventually he got his whole mouth around Dean, sucking him furiously. Dean instructed him along the way, and when Cas' teeth skimmed the surface of Dean's cock, he yelped in surprise and discovered that he quite liked that sensation. 

 

"Blow me, Cas." He groaned, his hips bucking up into Castiel's mouth. 

 

Cas sucked harder and less sloppy, getting almost all of Dean's length down his gullet, and when Dean froze, he panted, "Gonna come, baby. Gonna--"

 

And then Castiel's mouth filled with warm liquid, and he stared gagging and crying, come spilling all over him, and Dean was up in a split second, wrapping his arms around his lover and kissing him over and over again, salty tears making the experience bittersweet. 

 

"You did good, Cas. You did good." He whispered, licking sweat off of Castiel's brow. 

 

Cas cried into Dean's neck, and Dean found it kind of hot that a naked Castiel was sitting in his lap, but he kept this observation to himself. Cas started sucking on Dean's neck as he continued to weep, and Dean thought that Cas was probably the strangest person he'd ever met. 

 

____

 

On Monday, Dean was terribly worried that he'd some how fucked up his relationship with Cas, because the sixteen year old sure was acting strange. He was quiet. Okay, so Castiel was always quiet, but this was different. He was even quiet around Dean in the way that suggested he was either pissed or embarrassed, or sad. Dean hoped it to be none of the above, but something was definitely wrong. So in between classes, he followed his boyfriend to his locker, ignoring the persistent bell telling everyone to get to the next class. Castiel didn't seem to notice the other presence, rummaging through his locker and humming Marching On under his breath. Dean knew from experience that he only sung that song when he needed comfort, so his original suspicions were confirmed. He shut his boyfriend's locker and leaned against it, a deep frown on his freckled face. Cas seemed shocked. He really hand't noticed Dean before.

 

Then again, he had been receding further and further into what Gabe referred to as Cassie Land, hadn't he? 

 

"Hey, Cas."

 

"Hello, Dean." 

 

They engaged in one of their famous staring contests. Dean was the first to retreat, as he knew that his friend could stare all day. He cleared his throat and said, "Cas... is something bothering you?"

 

Castiel shook his head, but his azure eyes said otherwise. 

 

"Cas--"

 

"I'm fine." Snapped the sixteen year old rather harshly, catching Dean off guard and making him visibly recoil. If Cas was a dick, he'd probably take pride in the other man's weakness, but since he was not, he only looked sad and frustrated with himself, and the world in general. 

 

"I'm sorry. I just..." he trailed off, begging his boyfriend to understand. 

 

Dean nodded. "S'okay, Cas. I know." He whispered, and then leaned in for a kiss. It was chaste and sweet, and when Cas pulled away with a dreamy sigh, Dean knew that they'd be alright. 

 

"I should get to class." Said Castiel.

 

Dean chuckled, surprised that his friend actually cared about school. Not that Dean did, of course, but he did not want to disappoint his mother by being a low life drop out. 

 

"Yeah... me too." 

 

____

_The horned creature looked Castiel up and down, causing the teenager to shudder with fear and disgust. The goat creature turned it's large head back to it's fellow demons and bellowed, "We have some fresh meat here for the taking!"_

_And that's when Cas made a run for it, but he found himself stuck in place mid-stride, and he cried out in frustration. When he felt sickly thin arms wrap around his waist, he screamed and started weeping hopelessly._

_"Please! I'm not suppose to be here! I'm not from here. I live in the Upperworld!"_

_"Well, welcome to the Underworld, my friend." Growled the goat creature, dragging his human back toward the heat of the flame in the center of the round cave._

_"No!" Shrieked the boy as he felt the warmth from the fire on his back. He was getting closer and closer to the dancing flames, and he could see them casting funny shadows all over the walls of the lava etched cave._

_"No!"_

_And then he was dumped into the fire, the scorching heat like nothing he'd ever experienced before._

_"Why...?" He whispered, able to catch one last glimpse of the demon who'd done this to him through the heat shimmers and golden light._

_"For all that you've done to the people in your life, you stupid little piggy." Laughed the demon._

_Cas closed his bloody eyes and he heard faintly a song that he knew._

 

Lucy's underground, she's never coming back.

 

Am I still alive, or has the light gone black? 

 

Take me underground, take me all the way.

 

Bring me to the fire, throw me in the flames.

 

____

 

Castiel Milton woke with a jump in Dean's bed. He looked to his boyfriend's sleeping form, panting heavily as he recovered from the nightmare. Dean was dead asleep, and Cas leaned over him and kissed his cheek before rising. He stretched and threw on a shirt in the dark, having no idea who's it was. He felt around on the bedroom floor for a pair of shoes, and upon molesting the thinnest ones he was certain they were his and he slipped them on, and then silently made his was downstairs and out the door, but not before checking the digital clock on Dean's microwave. 3:34, it read. Once outside, he traveled down the road a ways, and passing under a streetlamp he was able to see that the sweater he was wearing was Dean's, and it was plain white but dirty and far too big for Castiel's small frame, but it was okay because he always wore clothes that were too big for him. He felt like some sort of street dancer with his saggy sweatpants he used as pajamas and Dean's over sized sweatshirt. He discovered he quite liked the look. 

 

As he walked on, he stopped by a mini mart and purchased a container of sugar cookies with the money he found in the pockets of Dean's shirt. Hopefully he wouldn't mind if he ever found out. He ate them as he strode towards a not-so-nice street in Lawrence. The cookies tasted of nostalgia, if that was even possible. The breaded goodness in Cas' mouth brought back memories from the days when he could smile still, despite how miserable he was even then. But when you're that young you have unbreakable hope and faith in your future, and so you find the strength to smile and laugh because life isn't all that bad. In Castiel's pessimist opinion, all children are born delusional until they are cured with age and knowledge. 

 

The houses on either side of the street were run down and broken up, most of which were actually mobile homes. Cas stayed in the center of the road until he came across the alleyway he'd been searching for. It was lit up with a fire from scraps of paper placed in a metal bucket. Castiel approached the light, stopping in front of the group of druggies. 

 

"Hey guys. Can I get a hit?" 

 

They were all silent, so Chuck spoke up. 

 

"Cas is asking. Wow, times have changed."

 

Now everyone laughed. It wasn't the usual relatively large group, but instead only select few, those being Lydia, Chastity, Chuck, Sarah and McLeod. And now Castiel. The blue-eyed boy sat down beside Chastity against the brick wall of the alley and sighed.

 

"Look, I'm sorry everybody."

 

"For what?" Wondered Sarah, grinning evilly. 

 

Cas rolled his eyes. "You know what." 

 

She nudged him with her foot in the narrow way.

 

"Hey... I forgive you, and I guess I should apologize for giving you a fat lip." 

 

Cas nodded a thanks to her as Chastity crawled into his lap and blew Marijuana smoke into his face. He coughed and shoved her off, but she just laughed at him. Lydia glared at the other blonde and snuggled in closer to Cas, smiling up at him as she leaned most of her weight against his shoulder. He chuckled as she handed him a brownie with suspicious flecks of green stuff in it. He took a bite and smiled, setting down his plastic container of sugar cookies. Lydia snatched the rest of the brownie and pointedly bit the same spot he had. He knew what she was doing, but he decided to ignore it and just ask McLeod for a joint. As usual, he and Lydia split it, and for once they actually got talking like regular people do around their piers. Eventually Lydia laid her head down in his lap and yawned. Cas took the beer she was holding out of her hand before she fell asleep, gulping the liquid like he would die without it. He wanted to forget his nightmares and the impending guilt that he was weighing down the people in his life, especially Dean. He could have so much more than Cas. He could have someone who'd give him a blowjob without gagging like a wuss. 

 

He found himself absently stroking honey blonde hair, and he looked down to see Lydia barely conscious, studying him with soft eyes. Chastity glared at them from the other end of the small alleyway, but Cas ignored it and watched as Lydia pulled a permanent marker from the pocket of her jeans and began to write across the breast of his sweater. When she was done, she grinned at him and sat up, looking at her work. Cas pulled out Dean's sweater and saw the writing from top down view.

 

_Fuckable_

 

He broke out laughing, and that felt good because he hadn't laughed like this in a long time. After he'd calmed down, he hugged the girl closer and up into his lap as he whispered in her ear, "You wanna get outta here?"

 

When she nodded, he stood up, taking her hand to help her rise as well, and then he bent down and grabbed the container of sugar cookies and they said their goodbyes to the small group and headed out into the night.

 

____

 

When Dean woke up around five in the morning, he saw that he was alone in the bed. Panic started to fire up inside of him, and he instantly got up, turned on the light and searched the room. No sign of Cas. When he started getting dressed, he noticed that the white sweater he'd carelessly thrown on the floor the night before was now gone. Cas must have put it on when he left... wherever he went. Well, Dean wasn't waiting around for him to come home. He was gonna go out and find him. In case Castiel had gotten himself into trouble, Dean didn't want to alarm his mother, so he texted Cas very first, asking his boyfriend where he'd gone. When there was no response, he went over to the Miltons' and knocked on the door. Luckily Anna answered and not Rachel.

 

"Hey, Dean, what are you--"

 

"Is Cas here?"

 

Anna's face fell. "I thought he was with you."

 

Dean moved passed the redhead and quietly hurried upstairs to Castiel's bedroom. He wasn't there. What worried Dean the most was that if Cas was okay, he would have left a note telling Dean when he'd be back and all that crap. Dean mentally kicked himself for knowing something was up with Cas but just letting it be. What kind of friend was he? Anna got dressed out of her robe and into some slacks and a t-shirt and the two headed out to find Castiel together. The second place they looked was Chuck's house. Chuck Shirley lived on a desolate street not far from Dean's own, and everyone here gave him the creeps, Chuck included. When the sleepy dude answered his door dressed in a tattered blue robe with a girl on either side of him, Dean grinned with approval and Anna elbowed him. Clearing his throat, Dean put on his business face and asked, "Are your parents home young man?" 

 

Anna just looked at him like she wondered how the fuck her little brother could actually care about this dimwit. 

 

"Uh... no?" Replied Chuck, clearly confused.

 

"Good." Said Dean, stepping past the threesome and inviting himself into Chuck's really messy house. It reeked of pot and sex, and Dean pondered on the fact that Castiel associated with this particular druggie. Again, what kind of friend was he if he knew what kind of shit Cas was up to, and he never lifted a finger to stop it? Anna seemed royally shocked and scared for her brother, and honestly, Dean couldn't blame her. When Chuck shut the door, he whispered for his two mates to go do something else while he took care of this, and the two Asian girls left the room, leaving just Chuck, Anna and Dean. 

 

"What gives?" Snapped Chuck, no doubt cranky from lack of sleep do to sex and crack.

 

"You seen Cas around?" Asked Dean, putting his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. 

 

Chuck sighed. "Yeah. Around three he was with the gang."

 

"The gang?" Said Anna, her voice rising a few notes.

 

"Yeah, our gang of foreseers." 

 

"Druggies." Dean clarified, leaning in to say it lowly next to Anna's ear. 

 

Chuck rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Winchester. Anyway, that's all I know."

 

"Do you got any clue where he is now?" Persisted the seventeen year old. 

 

Chuck scratched the stubble on his chin as he attempted to remember, his mind a foggy maze of drugs and alcohol. When he snapped his fingers, he said, "Oh yeah! He and Lydia left together at some point. That's seriously all I remember, now get the hell outta my house." 

 

Dean and Anna exchanged glances as they headed for the door that Chuck was now holding open for them. Before crossing the threshold, Dean asked, "You sure you don't know anything else?"

 

Chuck sighed. "Well, I can write down Lydia's address for you if you want."

 

Dean's green eyes lit up. "That'd be great!"

 

____

 

When Castiel woke up in a large comfortable bed with plain white blankets and sheets, and a lacy white curtain draped around the bed posts, he honestly had no fucking idea where he was, and he began to freak out, his heart pounding in his chest as his breathing quickened. He was going to have a panic attack. through his watery blue eyes he saw a girl with long Strawberry blonde hair crawl onto the bed with a wooden tray in her hands. When Cas tried to sit up she just gently pressed him back down onto the mass of pillows. He remembered he was with Lydia in the alleyway, and now he was here so at least he wasn't at a complete strangers house. What he wanted to ask was, 'what happened?', but what came out was completely different. 

 

"You're rich?" 

 

Lydia let out a happy laugh, and Castiel's eyes cleared up enough to see that she was wearing a tiny pink tank-top and tight white panties. Setting the tray down on the bed beside him, she replied, "Sorta, yeah." 

 

And then she was laying beside him and sighing contently. Castiel started quivering harshly. Did he...? No, he couldn't have. He wasn't that stoned, was he? He licked his too dry lips and swallowed thickly, willing the panic to subside long enough for him to get this straight.

 

"Lydia, did we...?" He did not finish the sentence, hoping she'd pick up on it. 

 

"Fuck?"

 

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut at the bluntness. 

 

"Yeah, that." He said grudgingly, causing the other to laugh. 

 

He looked around the room, noticing for the first time that it was bathed in early morning sunshine. It looked to be around six or seven.

 

"No, we didn't do what you're thinking. We only slept together."

 

Though Cas was glad that he didn't loose his virginity yet, he still wondered why the hell he was in a bed with someone who wasn't Dean. 

 

"So... what happened, then?" 

 

She sat up, shrugging as she ushered him to sit as well. He did so, leaning his back against the many pillows as Lydia set the tray in his lap. 

 

"We just decided to go back to my place and hang, and I let you stay the night in my fancy ass bedroom. Pretty neat, huh?"

 

Cas smiled a little, but it never reached his eyes. 

 

"Yeah... pretty neat." He agreed quietly, studying the contents on the tray before him. "What is this stuff?"

 

Lydia grinned, and even though Cas was about as straight as a circle, he had to admit that when Lydia smiled so brightly, it would make even Bert and Ernie turn their heads. 

 

"Lucy in the sky with diamonds, my friend." 

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes at her. "I don't normally do heavy weight drugs, Lydia." 

 

She sighed. "I know, Cas. I know. But from what you told me that time you were drunk, you've got quite a baggage to deal with there. Just let yourself go, hon. Just let it go."

 

And that brought more tears to his eyes, which he quickly wiped away with the sleeve of Dean's sweater, and when he did, he smelled his boyfriend all over the white fabric. 

 

"Okay." He said, his voice weak. Then he swallowed the white substance on the tray and washed it down with some OJ and the eggs that were there on the tray, too. After awhile, Castiel said, "I don't feel any different." 

 

"You will." The blonde assured him, grabbing his fork and taking a bite of his eggs.

 

"So... where are your parents?" Asked Castiel.

 

Lydia finished chewing and swallowing before she responded. "Business trip. They work a lot so I've got plenty of time to myself."

 

"Why do you do it?" He couldn't help but ask. 

 

"Do what?" Her tone was false, and that told Castiel that she knew exactly what he was talking about. When they locked gazes, she groaned and heeded. "I don't know, alright? Just y upbringing, I guess." 

 

"You're upbringing?" 

 

"Yup. I mean, my parents are never here to help me out, so I kinda strayed from the path of good intentions. You know what I mean?"

 

He nodded. "Yeah. My parents suck ass. What about yours?"

 

She shrugged again. "They're alright I suppose. Just... absent." 

 

Castiel shook his head. "I'm sorry."

 

"Eh, doesn't matter." She waved it away with her hand, and Cas saw trails and after images of her fingers going through the air in slow motion. 

 

"I think I'm starting to feel something." 

 

____

 

Dean pounded his fist against the door. 

 

"Dean," snapped Anna, sick of Dean's manly ego. "I'm telling you. The dude was stoned out of his damn mind when he wrote down her address. That is a four, not a nine!" 

 

Dean sighed, ignoring the whiny red haired teenager behind him and continuing to knock. 

 

"You know what? We've been searching around trying to find the right house because Chuck's penmanship is so messed up. This is useless! Let's split up."

 

"Anna, wait." But Anna was determinedly walking away, with the slip of paper containing Lydia's address, no less. 

 

Just when Dean was about to give up, the door opened revealing an African-American man looking to be in his mid thirties. 

 

"Can I help you?" 

 

Dean sighed and walked away, leaving a very confused man in his wake. He searched around until he came across a huge white, sterile looking house, and he shrugged and knocked on that door, too. After a few moments the door was opened by a pretty blonde girl around Dean's age. Bingo. He thought.

 

"Excuse me... are you Lydia, by any chance?" 

 

The girl was in her underwear, and Dean felt a pang of jealousy sting his gut, but he pushed it away and tried to focus on the task at hand.

 

"Yeah. Who the hell are you?"

 

Dean smirked. "I'm Castiel's boyfriend. Now where is he?"

 

Lydia pursed her lips, stepping aside to let him in. Dean entered, trying not to gasp at the huge entry way full of extraordinary decorations and expensive looking busts. He was snapped out of staring at everything like a child's first time at an amusement park when Lydia said, "Follow me." 

 

Dean obliged as he followed the girl in her underwear through a massive hallway with many doors.

 

"Though I warn you, you're not gonna like it." Said Lydia as she opened a door, which turned out to lead to her bedroom. Dean was about to ask what the hell she meant by that when he saw a very crazed Castiel in the center of a giant white bed, giggling at the ceiling. Dean's mouth hung agape, and he turned to Lydia for answers. She shrugged like it was no big deal. 

 

"Is he having a breakdown, or...?"

 

"Drugs." She provided nonchalantly. 

 

Dean rushed over to Cas, muttering something that sounded like 'no no no'. He climbed onto Lydia's bed shamelessly and grabbed Cas by the shirt which Dean instantly recognized as his own. Only something was different. Written across the light fabric in black marker was the word  _Fuckable_. Dean swallowed down the anger that was bubbling up. 

 

"Cas?" 

 

Castiel's eyes were wandering all over the room as though he was seeing something that Dean could not. What else was new?

 

"Cas!" Dean shook him a little, and when blue eyes finally met green, Dean cupped his boyfriend's face in his hands. 

 

"Thank god. Cas... what'd you take, man?"

 

Lydia watched the whole thing from the doorway of her bedroom, leaning against the frame casually.

 

"I... I think it was LSD?" 

 

Dean snapped his head around to look at the girl. She shifted her weight. Dean gaped. 

 

"Oh fuck. Okay, Cas, we're gonna go home now, alright?"

 

When he tried to get up, Castiel pulled him back down and on top of his lap. "You look funny, Dean." 

 

"Yeah, whatever. Let's just go."

 

"No! I don't want my mother to see me like this." 

 

Dean rolled his eyes and picked up Castiel as he rose. Cas laughed wildly. 

 

"I said home, Cas. Not your house." 

 

Lydia smiled as Dean carried the smaller teen in his arms like a child, Castiel's left arm draping around his boyfriend's neck. She stepped aside to let them by when Dean reached the doorway. 

 

"I won't forget this, you sadistic bitch." Snarled Dean as he passed her, low enough so that only the two of them could hear over the weird sounds Castiel was making. Lydia ground her teeth, and as Dean's back was disappearing down the hall, she called out, "He really is fuckable, you know." 

 

And Dean tried not to think about that too hard, he really did, but he couldn't help looking down at Cas in his arms and feeling angry and hurt.

 

____

 

Dean set Castiel down on his bed and watched him. Just watched him. Cas was talking to someone who wasn't there, and Dean felt like finally he was getting a glimpse into Castiel's world. Of course this little episode was drug induced, but nonetheless, everything that was going on in his friend's head was all Cas and no one else. He tried talking to him, but he was so lost in his own LSD land that he didn't even notice Dean. So he curled up beside him under the covers and slept, worry be damned.

 

____

 

Obviously Dean and Castiel skipped school, as they slept into the late afternoon. When Dean opened his eyes around four o' clock, he looked to his right to make sure his boyfriend was still there. He was, and he was sound asleep, too. Dean shook him gently. When Cas woke, his blue eyes were glazed over like he'd been... well, drugged. 

 

"Dean?" He asked softly. 

 

"Yeah. What do you remember?" 

 

After a pause, Castiel snuggled closer, a gesture that felt unwelcome right now.

 

"I was drunk and high, and then I was at Lydia's, and then I got higher."

 

Dean scoffed. "You could say that. You were in that slut's bed."

 

Castiel propped himself up on his elbow and glared down at the older man. "Dean, don't talk about her like that." 

 

"Yeah? Why not?" Demanded Dean, getting out of bed to stand with his arms crossed. 

 

"Because--"

 

"Because you fucking fucked?"

 

Castiel's azure eyes widened. "No, of course  not--"

 

"How the hell would you know? You were stoned!" Shouted Dean, knocking over the lamp on the nightstand. When it shattered on the floor, he was a bit relived of some of his anger. Castiel got up as well, approaching his lover.

 

"Don't." Said Dean, his tone dangerous.

 

Cas shook his head, fighting back tears. "Dean... you don't understand."

 

"Understand what? Huh? That you're gay but you screwed some strung out whore? That you left me without a word? That you act like you're the only person on the planet because you've got issues? Yeah, Cas. I understand alright. Must be so damn tough to be you."

 

The last part of the blow out was bitter and mocking, and it took everything Castiel had not to snap and break his lover's spine. This is Dean. He reminded himself. Dean's a good man. You can reason with him. 

 

"It is. You have no idea what it's like." He replied lowly. 

 

That seemed to strike a note, Dean's anger dissipating replaced by nervousness. If you knew Cas, you knew that there was one fucking line that you did not cross, no matter who you were. 

 

"Cas... I... I know. Just... you're such an enigma, man! I gotta... I gotta know you, but you're so far away, lost in your own world and I..." He broke off, a thick lump in his throat. "Enlighten me, babe. Tell me what's it's like in that world."

 

Castiel shook his head and let out a shaky breath. "I can't possibly."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Dean... there aren't words. It's so... hard to describe."

 

Dean nodded and stepped forward to pull Castiel into an embrace. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and held back the tears that so badly needed to come out. When Dean breathed in, he was struck by his boyfriend's scent. Cigarette smoke and that old fruity shampoo he use to love. It had been a long time since Dean had smelled that on him. At least he was showering more now. 

 

"You could write it down." Whispered Dean.

 

After a pause that seemed like an eternity, Castiel said, "Yeah... I could do that."

 

____

 

They still had problems with what had happened, but at least now Dean believed Cas that he didn't sleep with Lydia, so to speak. One weekend, Dean and Castiel were sitting on Dean's bed watching TV while splitting a carton of vanilla ice cream between them, and Castiel had a notebook with him and he was writing in it with pen. He promised to tell Dean when he was done with it so that he could read it and hopefully get a better idea of Cassie Land. At the top of the first page were the words, "What It's Like To Be Me". Dean heard the sound of the pen ghosting over the paper. 

 

_My mind is a strange place in which I cannot leave. I know that you try to understand me, Dean, but you'll never be able to fully grasp the world I live in. Everything is different form your world. Where you see a tree, I see a foreign object that needs to be analyzed. While you take a bite of a burger and simply taste it, I only taste the texture and ingredients. I completely understand your world, but I do not live in it. I know that you don't live in mine, either, and that you can't even understand it. It's okay. I'm safe here because I know my way around. Think of it as The Iron Curtain. I can see out, but you can't see in._

 


	9. Stage Nine: Psychotic Waltz

 

_Definition of Psychosis: A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality._

 

 

_Wednesday, January 10th_

 

Dean Winchester was not gay. Just a fact. When Castiel showed up on his doorstep Wednesday night, Dean let him in without question, but he also kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair. Cas smiled at Dean, and it was one of his rare genuine smiles, too. Dean's stomach did not do a flip flop. When they walked up the stairs together and Cas laid down on Dean's bed like it was his own, Dean did not feel a little twinge of possessiveness. When the seventeen year old helped his best friend undress, he saw that he was really dirty.

 

 

"Cas," sighed Dean. "Were you sleeping outside again?"

 

Castiel had been on his stomach with his face stuffed in Dean's pillows, and now he turned over onto his back and sat up.

 

"Yeah... my mom and I were fighting again."

 

"Again?"

Cas looked away. "Yeah. We've been fighting for awhile now." 

 

"And when were you gonna tell me this?"

 

"Dean--"

 

"No, you know what? It's alright, Cas. Just... forget it." 

 

Of course it wasn't alright! Castiel was his boyfriend and he acted as if he could trust no one. He was glad Cas was writing a whole thing about what it was like to be him, and that Dean would be able to read it when it was done. Castiel had started that notebook in late December and now it was mid January, so it shouldn't be too long until it was finished. 

 

"You should take a bath." Said Dean, extending his hand to help Cas up. 

 

Castiel took it gladly, and when their bodies were flush against one another upon his rise, he kissed Dean softly. When he pulled back he said something like 'would you like to join me?', his warm breath ghosting over the older boy's lips. 

 

Dean Winchester was gay, but only for Castiel. 

 

____

 

_Thursday, January 11th_

 

 

On Thursday afternoon, Rachel Milton hurriedly dialed the number and waited for someone to pick up, tapping her foot eagerly. A female voice answered 'hello?' on the third ring.

 

"Hey, Mary... this is Rachel."

 

"Rachel? Uh, what's up?"

 

"I have some great news!" 

 

"What is it?"

 

Rachel took a deep breath and then released it slowly. "Dr.Bradbury says that Castiel's results came in and I'm going over there in about..." she checked her watch, then continued. "Twenty minutes." 

 

"Oh! That's great! I'll tell Cas." 

 

Rachel smiled to herself. "You go ahead and do that, Mary. It was nice talking to you."

 

"Yeah... you too, Rachel. Drive safely." 

 

"Will do." 

 

When Mary Winchester hung up the phone, she headed for Dean's bedroom, too distracted with the good news to bother knocking. Upon entering, she was caught completely off guard when she saw her son on top of his best friend on the bedroom floor, making out rather aggressively and practically dry humping him. She thought about just closing the door and leaving the two alone when Castiel met her gaze from under Dean, eyes wide with shock and fear. He all but shoved Dean off of him and sat bolt up right on the carpet, lips red and kiss swollen. Dean turned around, expecting it to be Sam or his bitch of a girlfriend Ruby, but when he saw that it was his mother his face turned tomato red and he scrambled to his feet. 

 

"M-mom."

 

Mary bit her lip to hide a smile. For the longest time she thought she saw something between the two, especially from the way Cas would look at Dean, like he was the only person on the planet. But she figured she was mistaken when both boys started dating girls, that is until Castiel dropped all interest in the opposite gender and just stayed single. She knew that Dean hung around with a different girl every so often, so her final conclusion had been that Castiel was gay and her son was not, but now she stood corrected. 

 

"Boys, I have some good news. Why don't you come downstairs for some brie and crackers with me." 

 

Dean looked back at his lover on the floor. Well, at least they'd both been fully clothed when Mary intruded on them. He helped Cas to his feet, and they exchanged glances and then looked over to the women standing in the doorway of Dean's bedroom. When Mary simply smiled, Dean felt a wave of relief wash over him, and by the way Castiel's hand loosened in his as the two men just stood there, he knew that Cas was relived as well. 

 

"Yeah, mom. Sounds good." 

 

When they went downstairs with Mary and sat at the kitchen table eating brie and crackers, no one brought up what had happened. Instead, Mary told them about Rachel going to see Dr. Bradbury about the results today. Cas and Dean were seated at one end of the table and Mary at the other, and Dean rested his hand on his boyfriend's thigh to comfort him once the news was delivered. He knew that Castiel would be anxious to discover what had really been wrong with him all these years, and he didn't want the adrenaline to send him over the edge, particularly not with his mother right there.  Of course she knew all about the shit Cas had lived with for years, but nonetheless it wasn't something either teenager would want her to witness first hand. 

 

"So..." said Dean to break the awkward silence that followed, "I guess today's the day we get our answers, huh, buddy?" He then bumped his boyfriend with his shoulder playfully. Cas' lips twitched up in what passed as a smile if you squinted just so, and he whispered, "Thank you, Dean." 

 

Mary watched them with fondness, and Dean rolled his green eyes. 

 

"Cas, could you excuse us for just a minute?" Asked Dean as Castiel cut a slice of brie from the wheel with a butter knife, then spread it on his cracker and plopped the whole thing in his mouth. 

 

"What for?" He wondered once he'd finished chewing and swallowing. Then, "Oh, that cheese is quite textured." 

 

Dean chuckled and patted his friend's shoulder once. "Cause I gotta talk to my mom for a sec, okay?"

 

Castiel nodded and scooted out of the breakfast nook and then left the kitchen. In his absence, Mary spoke up. 

 

"Dean, sweetie... you don't need to worry. I love you no matter who you love." 

 

Dean nodded, grateful that his mother would be so understanding. "Yeah, I know. But... could you, um..." he trailed off, not wanting to sound like a closet homo, which he was not. In fact, he wasn't even sure he was a homo at all, because he'd never looked twice at a man before Castiel had seduced him back at that motel somewhere out of town. 

 

"I won't tell John."

 

Dean had been fidgeting with his hands in his lap, unable to meet his mother's gaze. Now he did, and his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. This elicited a laugh from the women, and she took a sip of her tea with a lasting smile.

 

"Mom... thank you."

 

"No problem honeybunch. I know you'll tell your father when you're ready to, but it's not my place to judge or to get involved. This is between you and your boyfriend." 

 

Dean blushed furiously at her blunt choice of words. 

 

"I... I'll go tell Cas that he can come back, now." He then hurried out of the kitchen, trying to get his thumping heart under control. He found his friend in the living room reading one of the Winchesters' many books. 

 

"You can come back if you wanna." Said the older boy, taking a seat beside him on the leather sofa. 

 

Cas was narrowing his eyes at the words on the pages. He didn't seem to notice Dean. 

 

"Cas?" 

 

Now the blue-eyed boy looked up and without prior notice he kissed Dean, and abruptly pulled away after a moment. Dean was puzzled at his friend's odd behavior, but said nothing, because Castiel was always odd. 

 

"Wacha' reading?" He said instead. 

 

"I'm not reading." This was true. Though the sixteen year old often tried to read, the words never made sense and he always saw them as other words. His brain was in a constant state of Scramble, and that's part of the reason why he didn't bother to keep up with school. The teachers never understood when he said that he needed extra attention in math class or anything that involved reading and writing. Since he'd been neglected a doctor for so many years, he didn't have anything to go by when he begged for the teachers to help him. They probably thought he was just stupid, but the truth was that reality was too far away for him to reach, and he needed help getting there. He could see what was going on in the world that everyone else lived in, but he could never be apart of it, and he wouldn't even know where to begin because all his life he was in Cassie Land. 

 

"What do you mean?" Asked Dean, his face scrunched up in concern. 

 

"Dean... I really can't read the way you can. I'll explain it all in my notebook, okay?" 

 

"...Okay..."

 

____

 

_I get carried away, carried away from you--when I'm open and afraid_

_Cause I'm sorry, sorry about that_

_Sorry about things that I've said_

_Always let it get to my head_

 

Castiel played the music loudly on his laptop as he sat on Dean's bed,  biting his nails down to the quick as he thought about the results. Soon Rachel would be done at Dr. Bradbury's office and he'd finally know what was wrong with him. Dean was doing homework behind him on the big bed, and he was looking quite exasperated with Castiel's choice of music. 

 

"Dude, what the hell is this? It sounds 80's or something."

 

"It's not." 

 

Conversation lapsed after that, Dean engrossed in his work and Cas engrossed in making paper boats while listening to his weird music. When the playlist got to Only For You by Heartless Bastards, Dean smiled to himself and set down his pencil in his notebook and closed it, then crawled along the bed wrapped his arms around Cas from behind him, resting his chin on his lover's shoulder. 

 

"You wanna try again?" He whispered in Castiel's ear, then kissed the shell of it tenderly. 

 

Cas shivered and set down the paper boat he'd just made in a pile of other paper boats on the floor beside the bed. "Yeah... let's do it." 

 

"Do what?" Dean had to ask, just to make sure he stayed on the same page as Cas.

 

"Let's... try to go all the way."

 

Now Dean pulled back ,sitting on his knees atop the patterned blankets. "Cas, I don't know..."

 

"Dean, I'm not four years old. I can take care of myself."

 

"Yeah, but--"

 

"But what? Dean... not everything is your responsibility." 

 

Dean's face contorted with anger, but before he could object Castiel put his hands on his chest and pushed him down onto the bed and began kissing him. Dean deepened the kiss by tilting his head just so, licking his way into the younger boy's mouth. After a moment Cas pulled away and said, "Do you have the protection we need?"

 

Dean nodded and his mouth moved on it's own, sucking on Castiel's bottom lip eagerly. Cas had been getting better at blowjobs and handjobs, so maybe he was more comfortable with that, but Dean was not sure that he was ready for all this just yet. Regardless, he went along with it, his fingers tangling in dark messy hair. In between kisses he rasped, "You can stop anytime you want to. Just say the word." 

 

Cas pulled back. "What word?" He asked with a tilt of his head.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and chuckled, kissed him quickly and then responded, "Well, let's have a safe word, alright?"

 

"Okay."

 

"Mine'll be Kelly."

 

"Kelly?"

 

"Yeah, like Kelly Clarkson." 

 

Cas smacked the side of his head, and Dean yelped "Ouch!" 

 

Cas smiled timidly and kissed him deeply to make up for it. "Wait, why do you need a safe word?" Wondered Cas after a moment.

 

"I don't know! Just tell me your's so we can get on with this."

 

"Hmm..." Said Castiel as he straddled Dean's hips with his knees on either side of him. "Mine will be The Arcade Fire."

 

"That's too long!" Whined Dean.

 

"Okay, okay. What's got your panties in a bunch?"

 

"I want to be inside of you." Said Dean as he stroked his tongue up Castiel's neck, receiving a moan. Dean was rock hard in an instant. Man, the things Cas could do to him. 

 

"Oh... okay." Said Castiel, his voice low with arousal. "Then... my safe word is Paramore."

 

Dean nodded and kissed him, then flipped them over so that he was on top of Cas. "I'm topping." He said by way of explanation. 

 

Cas rolled his eyes but did not object. As they made out, Dean ran his hands up under Castiel's multicolored shirt and scrapped his nails along the younger boy's torso, and Cas bucked up into his touch. Already Dean had him panting as he removed Castiel's shirt and started kissing the bare skin that was revealed to him, stopping to suck on one of his nipples. Castiel groaned and tugged on Dean's short dirty blonde hair, and Dean chuckled against his lover's skin. 

 

"Down boy." He purred, nibbling at the younger boy's ear. 

 

He then sat up and took off his own shirt and jeans, then worked to take off Cas' pants too. Once that was accomplished, he gripped him through the fabric of his boxers and got a low groan in return. He smiled, then took off his own boxers and reached over his boyfriend for the lube in the nightstand drawer. Once he had the bottle in his hand he squeezed out quite a bit and then spread it around on his hands before sticking one finger in his entrance. He moaned, shutting his eyes at the sensation. When he opened them again, he was met with two black ones. He'd never seen Castiel looking so aroused before, and fuck, that was hot. When he managed to stick a second finger in his entrance, he let out a shaky breath, scissoring them inside himself to make sure he was good and opened. After pulling his fingers back out, he applied more lubricant to his hands and then slid Castiel's boxers off. 

 

"You ready?" He whispered against his lover's lips. 

 

Cas nodded, unable to form words. Dean opening himself was just too much. Dean then slowly and carefully slid one finger into Cas' entrance, and the man bucked up into Dean's hand, but Dean settled him down by resting a hand on his chest and gently keeping him in place. 

 

"Calm down, baby. It's alright."

 

Castiel took a deep breath and held it as Dean worked his finger inside of him. Damn that felt good. He knew that Dean didn't like it when he rushed things because he was aware of what Castiel was doing, which was just zooming through it like it was nothing special because he was too nervous and anxious. Dean wanted him to feel comfortable around him... he wanted him to feel at home. When Dean smoothly inserted another finger, Cas moaned and squirmed beneath him. Then a third finger was inside the blue-eyed boy and he groaned through gritted teeth. When Dean pulled his digits out, Cas felt empty and cold, that is until Dean reached into the nightstand drawer, got a condom and kissed him, then rolled it on with practiced ease. Cas didn't want to think about all the girls he'd slept with right now. He wanted to feel like Dean's first, because Dean was about to be his. 

 

"You okay so far?" Asked Dean, leaning over him and getting ready to be inside of Cas. 

 

Cas nodded and swallowed down the anxiety that was swimming just beneath the surface. "Yeah... I'm alright, let's do this."

 

He offered a nervous smile, but it ended up being more of a wince and Dean kissed it away then fisted his own cock and lined himself up and slid inside of Castiel. Cas screamed but Dean muffled it with a chaste kiss before he worked up a slow movement inside of the younger boy. Castiel was panting beneath him, his hands everywhere on Dean's body. Dean lifted out and then pushed back in, maybe a little too hard as Castiel's face contorted with pain. Dean froze inside of him, waiting for a safe word, but he didn't say it, so he continued. He thrust back and forth, getting moans and whimpers from the younger boy. Or maybe that was him, but he couldn't be sure as his mind was flying at the prospect of actually doing this with Cas. He felt himself getting near his climax, so he tried to hold off and give Cas this moment. He wanted his best friend to enjoy this and not get ripped off. He thrust in deeper every time he came down, and when he grazed Castiel's prostate the sixteen year old screamed and that was it. When Dean came inside of Cas, he saw white and there was a ringing in his ears. Not long after Castiel followed, and Dean worked him through it as he thrust in and out, grazing his prostate every so often. When he pulled out of Cas completely, he flopped down on the bed beside him and kissed his sweaty temple.

 

"How was I?" He asked.

 

Castiel stared up at the ceiling in awe. "You were... wonderful." He breathed. 

 

Dean chuckled and kissed him again, only this time on his lips. "So... feel any different?"

 

Cas was surprised at how coherent Dean could be after such an amazing orgasm. Well at least his was, but he didn't know about Dean. 

 

"Different about what?"

 

"Not being a virgin anymore." Responded the green-eyed boy as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

"Not really no." And then he laughed. Actually laughed, and the sound was so sweet Dean thought he might be ready for another round. 

 

"What about you? Did you come?"

 

"Yeah, Cas. Don't worry. I came before you did." He chuckled, feeling the semen dry on his belly. He scrunched up his nose. "We should go shower."

 

"Yeah..." 

 

But both boys just laid there until Castiel asked, "Together?"

 

Dean kissed his shoulder and smiled. "Sounds like a plan." 

 

He then helped his boyfriend up, and the younger boy leaned most of his weight on Dean, completely wiped out from his first fuck. They undressed as Dean ran the water a bit too hot, and when they both got under the spray Cas instantly got washing up. Dean was a little offended until Cas explained that he just wanted to get out and go to sleep cause he'd worn him out. Dean laughed and said, "Lemme help you, then."

 

He washed up Castiel's hair, and he smiled at the smell of his own shampoo in his boyfriend's hair. The fact that Cas now smelled like him was too much and he couldn't help it when he started kissing Cas. Castiel returned it lazily, then washed Dean's back for him. When they got out, both boys collapsed into bed and rested. 

 

____

 

Rachel Milton knocked on the Winchestes' door. By now John was home and so she would have to face him. Even though she and Mary had an unspoken alliance now, she wasn't sure if Mary had buttered him up or not yet. When Sam answered it, he huffed in disapproval but let her by because he heard that she was coming baring news. 

 

"Thank you." Said Rachel as she entered. "It's nice to see you, Sam."

 

"You too." Muttered the thirteen year old, completely unconvincingly. Then he walked through the house announcing that Rachel Milton was here. He then mounted the steps and tapped on his older brother's door. 

 

"Guys, I don't wanna walk in on anything." He pleaded, rapping his knuckles along the door. 

 

Dean got out of bed and woke Cas up, too, and they got dressed and ready to go downstairs. Rachel and Mary were already setting the table for dinner, and John was sitting at the head of the table, arms crossed and scowling as the women jabbered to one another. When Sam, Dean and Castiel entered, everyone looked at Cas, and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

 

"Hey, Cas." Said John, breaking the awkward silence. 

 

"Hello, Mr. Winchester." 

 

He then took his seat at the table next to Dean, and Sam sat opposite them with Rachel while Mary sat across from John on the other end. Dinner was pork and mashed potatos with green beans, and Dean picked up his fork when John said, "Ah, ah, ah. We haven't said grace yet, Dean."

 

Dean groaned but put his fork down. Rachel smiled at him, and he resisted the urge to flip her off. He still didn't forgive her for the shit she put Castiel through for all those years. He was there that night when he walked Cas home and he and Rachel begin to fight, and Castiel literally begged for help because he couldn't stand the panic attacks any longer, but his mother refused him. It broke Dean's heart, but it no doubt broke Castiel's more. When everyone's hands were clasped, Mary did the honors. 

 

"Lord bless this food to our use and us to thy service in Christs' name we ask it, Amen."

 

"Amen." Everybody retorted. 

 

Dean was scarfing his potatoes down like a lion, and he noticed that Cas was smiling at him. It wasn't a genuine smile that showed contentedness, but instead it was an amused one, though Dean was happy with those, too. 

 

"So," Said Rachel after a moment as she sipped her glass of wine. Another thing Dean hated about her was that she was a heavy duty alcoholic, and she was a mean drunk as well. 

 

"I received the news on Castiel's diagnosis, and I'm sure you'd all like to know." 

 

Dean looked up from stuffing his face. "Yeah." He said around a mouthful of pork. After swallowing, he added, "We would." 

 

Rachel sighed, cleared her throat, and then dropped the bomb. "Well, there are three. Depression, Anxiety disorder, and Psychosis."

 

There was a long pause, and then John cleared his throat and raised his glass. "Well, I'm glad we all know what's wrong with him now. To Castiel."

 

Everyone clinked glasses except Cas, who scooted his chair back from the table. Well, I'm glad we finally know what's wrong with him now. Dean was dating a fucking Psychotic? He deserved better than Castiel. He deserved someone who could get in touch with reality. Sure, they were sitting in the same room now, but they might as well be on different planets. When he left the dining room, it was an unspoken agreement among all of them that Dean be the one to go comfort him. He chased his boyfriend into the entry way where the younger man was slipping on his shoes.

 

"Cas, wait."

 

But Castiel ignored him and opened the front door. He gazed out at the snow covered front lawn, then turned back, tears in his azure eyes. 

 

"Dean... I love you."

 

Dean's breath caught in his throat at those words, and many years later he would wish that he'd said them back, but right now, he stayed quiet and Castiel left the house. His home. 

 

____

 

Cas called his mother to tell her where he went so that she didn't call the police or anything, and he also texted Dean telling him that he was fine and not to come looking for him, and then he dumped his cellphone somewhere. After he'd left Dean's that night, he went to the Roadhouse to explain his absence, and told Ellen and Jo that he'd understand if they fired him, but Ellen just looked at him sternly and promised that he was always welcomed back. Then he did what he knew he'd end up doing: He went to Lydia's. Lydia took him in and let him stay in her large house, and Castiel felt okay for the time being. He understood that he'd soon be getting a prescription for anti-Psychotics, and that he'd need a refill of Prozac, but he figured since Lydia was a total dealer that she might be able to get him some stuff to make up for it. He heard that Xanax was a street drug, and that the medication was actually used to treat anxiety, so he hoped for that. He bought a calender and marked down the days until Dean's birthday. Dean would turn eighteen a week before graduation, and he remembered that when they were young they promised each other that they'd be there for either one of their graduations. 

 

Maybe his head would be clear by then and he'd be able to go. One night Lydia came home from wherever she was, and she ordered pizza and she and Cas ate at the kitchen table under a lonely florescent light and she told him all about the drugs she'd managed to get, and he told her all about how in love with Dean he was, and that he was a coward for leaving him because he was afraid he wasn't good enough. Lydia told him that he wasn't a coward, and that she herself would never be dumb enough to date a person who would forever be dancing to a Psychotic waltz. This of course only made Castiel feel worse, and he drowned his sorrows in alcohol and drugs.

 

____

 

_Monday, January 15th_

 

At first Dean Winchester asked Rachel Milton to tell him where Castiel had gone, but when she refused, he asked his own parents, and as it turns out they didn't know either. Dean figured that he was either at Meg's, (though she probably wouldn't take him in after he tried to kill himself in her house) Chuck's, Lydia's or any of his other druggie friends' places. He knew that if he found him at one of their houses that he would have to confront him, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. Monday evening, he looked at his boyfriend's notebook resting on the nightstand and wondered if he should take a peek, but then he thought better of it, feeling like if he were to look at it then he would just be assuming that Cas wouldn't come home to him, and he did not like that idea. So he waited for him, growing more and more anxious despite Rachel's words.

 

_"He's fine. That's all I'll tell you. He has other friends besides you, Dean, and I'm sure he's perfectly happy where he is."_

_"But what about his medication? He's gonna need Prozac and some other drugs, too."_

_"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."_


	10. Stage Ten: Sinking Sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright last chapter before I get started on the sequel.

_Tuesday, January 23rd_

 

 

The day before Dean's birthday, he was able to get himself together and stop moping long enough to find Castiel. He needed him. He wanted him. He was his best friend in the whole world and he was his boyfriend, and Dean well and truly loved him. Apparently, Cas felt the same way, and Dean was going to get him back if it was the last fucking thing he did. So Tuesday evening he went to Meg's house. He was not there so he went to Lydia's, skipping right over Chuck's place because if he could, he'd avoid that drug addict like the plague. When he knocked on the door of the sterile lonesome white house, he waited patiently for an answer. What would he say to Cas? He would say, 'I love you too,' because he did, goddammit. He'd loved Cas for so long now he wondered how he hadn't realized it so much earlier in their lives together. He loved him when he ate sugar cookies like a ravenous tiger. He loved him when he was smoking weed and drinking hard liquor. He loved him when he was having panic attacks in Dean's arms, and he loved him when he wore Dean's clothes and smelled like Dean's shampoo. Castiel Milton was Dean Winchester's best friend. He loved the guy. End of story. 

 

When someone finally opened the door, he saw that it was a rather beautiful middle aged women with soft looking long blonde hair, and she was wearing what appeared to be a school teacher getup. 

 

"May I help you?" 

 

Her voice was deep and fine, and Dean was instantly struck with the image of dark messy hair and vibrant but lifeless blue eyes. He cleared his tho rat to hide the emotions welling up inside of him. 

 

"Um, yeah... is there a Castiel here by any chance?" 

 

The women sighed and responded, "One moment, please." 

 

She then shut the front door, leaving Dean in the cold air. Once it opened again, it was Lydia. 

 

"Dean." She stated. 

 

"Yeah. Surprise. Now where the fuck is my boyfriend?" 

 

Lydia bit her bottom lip, a tell tale sign of nervousness. "Come in." She said simply, stepping aside to let the seventeen year old in. Once inside, Dena tried not to gape at his second visit here in the large white house. Everything looked so damn expensive. He was afraid to walk on the floor for fear of scuffing it up. 

 

"He's in my bedroom." Said Lydia from behind him, and he was just glad that she was fully dressed this time. When he entered her room, Castiel was jumping up and down on her large bed, and music was playing loudly from her computer. 

 

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here

 

I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up

 

Just leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

 

"Cas." Dean said, announcing his presence. 

 

Castiel stopped jumping and turned stock still in his standing position. He was wearing one of his weird sweaters that he must packed. It said, "The Gorillaz, 19 2000". 

 

"Dean." 

 

They stared at each other, and Lydia stifled a smile and shut the door after leaving to give the two some privacy. 

 

"I..." said Dean lamely. I love you. "Are you coming home anytime soon?" 

 

Castiel's lip trembled and he jammed his shaking hands into the pockets of his neon green sweater. 

 

"Dean, you... I... you deserve so much better than me."

 

There was a long pause, and then Dean said, "Cas, buddy... I need you." 

 

"Dean..."

 

"So what if you're Psychotic? Huh? Just because you have an official diagnosis doesn't change anything! You've been Psychotic your whole damn life, Cas, and it never wavered how I felt about you! Not one bit." 

 

Castiel turned his face away as he hopped off of the bed to hide his tears. However, when he sniffled it was obvious to Dean that he was crying. Dean opened his mouth to speak, and his intention was to come forth as strong and supportive, but instead he sounded weak and desperate, and he didn't even give a damn. 

 

"Cas, don't leave me, okay? I don't know what I'd do without you. We've been joined at the hip since your fucking birth! I'm gonna be eighteen tomorrow, and then I'm gonna graduate, and I want you by my side, babe. I don't want anyone else. I want you. I want your Psychosis and anxiety and fucking depression, alright? I want you just the way you are... because..." He couldn't bring himself to say it, but it seemed as though he'd gotten through to his boyfriend, because Cas stood a few feet away, staring at Dean in disbelief as tears streamed down his red face. 

 

"But..." croaked the sixteen year old.  "You... don't mean that."

 

"I do." And now he wasn't weak, but he was strong and determined.

 

"But... you'll end up hating me. You'll tire of having to look after me all the damn time." Insisted Castiel, hysterical. He was clenching his fists to keep from shaking, but it didn't work because his teeth were chattering as well. 

 

"Nope." 

 

"You'll fall in love with me, Dean, and then it will be too late for you to run away while you have the chance."

 

"I'm your home, remember? I'm not going anywhere." 

 

"No! No, Dean! You're not listening to me! I can't burden such a pure and beautiful person as yourself. I'm tainting you; killing you..."

 

Dean shook his head and took a step toward his lover. "No, Cas. You're wrong, and it's time you drop all of this self-loathing bullshit." 

 

Castiel wiped his tears on the sleeve of his baggy sweater, and all Dean wanted to do was wrap himself in that warmth with Cas. 

 

"Dean... you... you mean it? You'll stay with me?" 

 

"I'm yours, Cas. Forever and always." 

 

And then the younger teen closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and swinging his legs around Dena's hips, and Dean was holding him up with his hands on the ass of Castiel's jeans, and tears were spilling from green eyes as he took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of his love. Castiel started singing with the music that was playing from Lydia' computer.

_"There's so many wars we've fought_

_There's so many things we're not_

_But with what we have, I promise you that we're marching on, we're marching on, we're marching on"_

 

____

 

Dean's eighteenth birthday was better than he could have ever hoped for. It was just him and his family, Cas included. Sam wanted to invite his slut of a girlfriend, but Dean said no because it was his birthday and he got to decide who came. 

 

"Oh, so you get to bring your boyfriend but I don't get to bring my girlfriend?" Sam had whined.

 

Of course it was completely different. Ruby was a total druggie, and Cas was... okay, so maybe it wasn't that different, but Dean just naturally did not like Ruby so he didn't let Sam bring her. After a dinner of stake and pasta, Dean got the most awesome cake ever, but only because Cas helped make it, and he put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, and that made Dean smile for the rest of the night. Despite what had happened, he and Cas fell easily back into themselves, having the best sex ever after the party (such that it was) was over. Castiel thought that the first time he slept with Dean was the most amazing experience, but this surpassed that by far because this time, he was not as nervous or eager to just get it over with. After that, the two boys fell asleep together in Dean's bed, and the next morning they were at it again. However, because it was Thursday they had to go to school, so they showered up and walked to Lawrence High together, and on the way Dean talked to his boyfriend about how amazing it was that he was only going to go to school for a few more days before he graduated. 

 

Rachel Milton got news that Castiel's prescriptions would be in tomorrow, and when Cas got home from school later in the afternoon, she told him about it. He ate a snack of peanut butter and celery sticks with Gabriel and Anna, and even smiled ever so slightly as the two senselessly argued. He was much closer to Gabe these days, and afterwards they went to a salon to get Gabe's hair cut. Castiel watched as Gabriel looked completely grief stricken as his long locks were cut off. He wanted do do it for some chick in the town that he was head over heels for or something. Then, as soon as he could he went to Lydia's to get a fix. He'd really been enjoying LSD lately.

 

____

 

_"Hey, Cas, do you think Dean's really okay with you being Psychotic?"_

  
_"I think he isn't._ " 

 

"Who are you people?" Groaned Castiel, hiding his face in Lydia's pillow. There were two identical people at the end of the bed. Both were women who had long black hair and skin paler than milk, and they were both wearing long blue dresses. This trip was kind of creeping him out. 

 

  
_"We're the people who know what we're talking about."_  One declared. 

 

  
_"Indeed."_  Agreed the other. And then they were gone, and Dean Winchester stood in their place. 

 

"Dean?" Said Cas as he raised his head from the pillow. 

 

_"Yeah, Cas. It's me."_

 

"What are you doing here?" 

 

Dean sat on the edge of the bed beside Castiel and replied,  _"I'm here to tell you the truth."_

 

Cas swallowed thickly. "Okay."

 

_"You are a burden. And you were right when you said that you're killing me. My life is being taken away from me by you, Cas. Remember that time Ash invited us to a party?"_

 

"Yeah."

_"I wouldn't go without you, even though you tried to make me. That's how tethered I am to you, and it's all your fault."_

 

Castiel felt his azure eyes sting with tears, and he asked, "So... what are you trying to say?"

_"I'm trying to say that if you love me, you'll let me go."_

 

Cas' mouth went dry, and he told the drug induced hallucination of Dean to go fuck itself. After that, he left Lydia's telling her "Worst trip ever!" Then he headed straight for Dean's place, and didn't give a shit that he was still stoned. Walking across Dean's lawn and up to his house, he saw little fairies sprinkling strange golden dust along the blades of grass, and he giggled when one of them shouted upon him stepping on it. He didn't bother knocking, and just went straight to Dean's room to sleep the rest of the LSD off. Dean was up there studying, and he was happy when he saw Cas walk in, but not so happy when the sixteen year old laid down on his stomach beside Dean and groaned, "I'm as high as a kite."

 

____

 

It was around eight o' clock at night when Castiel woke up again. On his new phone he had a text from Lydia asking if he was alright because he left the house in a mood. He texted back that he was fine. He looked to the spot next to him and found that Dean had fallen asleep with his head on his notebooks. He reached over and ran a hand through his lover's short brown hair, and Dean stirred a little. 

 

"I love you, Dean Winchester." He heard himself whisper. 

 

Leaving a note, he said that he was going out to Earl Park for some air, and that's exactly what he did. Wandering around, he felt waves of nostalgia pass through him. For his entire life, he always came here with Dean. It was a very important place to him. He found himself standing beneath the large tree towards the center of the fenced in area, and he looked at the carving of their names.

 

_Dean & Cas, 12/3/2013_

 

His lips twitched gently, and he pressed his palm against the words. The wind picked up in the dark and a shiver ran through Castiel as he stomped through the snow on his way back home to Dean.

 

____

 

The night before graduation, Castiel had a dream. In it, Dean was happy and with a women and three children. His ship was not weighed down by an anchor determined to resign Dean to the same fate. After waking from that dream, Castiel crawled in close to the love of his life and kissed him until he woke up. When he did, green eyes met blue and they held each other's gazes for quite some time before Dean said, "Cas."

 

"Dean." Castiel whimpered as a response, stuffing his face into the crook of his boyfriend's neck. "I don't want you to go. Don't go. Please, please stay with me forever."

 

Dean stroked his friend's back as he chuckled and said, "Cas, I'm not going anywhere. How many times I gotta tell you?"

 

Cas pulled back and looked at Dean again, and Dean ran a tender hand through dark hair. Castiel began to cry after that, once more resorting to putting his face in his lover's neck. Dean felt the cold wetness on his collarbone, and a sinking sorrow settled into his being. Cas was so damn messed up. He wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. He wanted to make him understand that he wasn't fucking going anywhere. He belonged with Cas, and Cas belonged with him. It was that simple. 

 

"I'm so sorry." He heard the younger boy weep. 

 

"For what?" Sighed Dean.

 

"For everything. Your so pure and good, and I--"

 

Dean cut him off by forcefully turning Castiel's head and kissing him. When he pulled back with a loud smack of lips, he ground out, "Don't you dare fucking say that you're weighing me down or killing me or any of that shit, or so help me god I will kick your ass!" 

 

Cas swallowed at the threat, but then a slow smile played across his lips. "I love you so much." 

 

Dean was so damn glad to see Cas smile a bit here and there. He was smiling more these days. Instead of saying it back, he chickened out and kissed him deeply to try and communicate that way. Soon they were tearing each other's clothes off, and when Dean rolled on a condom and got to work slicking his hands up with lube, Castiel beneath him, he said, "Cas, I was thinking... you wanna move in with me when I go off on my own?"

 

Wow, what an inappropriate time to talk about their future. Cas leaned up to kiss his boyfriend chastely before flopping back down on the bed. "Can we talk about this after you give me an orgasm?" He teased. 

 

Dean chuckled but obeyed. Having already worked himself open, he moved a hand to Castiel's cock, teasing over the entrance. Cas gasped and bucked up into his touch, and Dean grinned as he slid a first finger into him. He worked him open by moving his finger around, receiving little moans and gasps from his partner. When he got a second finger into him, he leaned down and kissed Castiel, giving no prior warning when he worked his mouth open with his tongue. Cas didn't seem to mind the intrusion, however, as he returned the gesture, his tongue swirling around Dean's. Dean managed a third finger, and then a forth, and already Cas was a withering mess beneath him. After pulling out his fingers, he got to work lining himself up before sinking down into Castiel, a low groan escaping his own throat. 

 

Castiel gripped Dean's shoulders as they begin to rock. Their pants and moans were loud in the otherwise quiet room. Cas spread his legs wider to allow Dean further entrance, and Dean took it, their rhythm picking up a bit. Up. Down. Up. Down. Cas gasped when Dean finally hit that sweet spot on his prostate, and from then on they were fucking, not making love. Dean slammed into him relentlessly, and Cas took it all, his nails digging into Dean's shoulders and he screamed underneath him, most of which was muffled by kisses from the older man. As they fucked, Cas thought about what Dean had said, even though all he wanted to do was stay in this moment. As he buried his face in Dean's shoulder, he thought about waking up next to Dean in their very own house. He quite liked the idea. 

 

"Dean." He rasped out when Dean yet again grazed his prostate. 

 

"Oh, god, yes. Dean..." 

 

"Fuck." Hissed Dean as he went still, his cock getting impossibly harder inside of Castiel as he felt himself reaching his climax. "Gonna come." He warned. 

 

Cas wanted to do it with Dean, so he slammed up into Dean and closed his eyes, thinking of his beautiful future with this man, and they both spilled over together. Dean dropped onto Castiel, breathing heavily just as the blue-eyed boy was. When Dean was about to get out, Cas pulled him closer and whispered in his ear, "Don't."

 

Dean chuckled and began to lick the drying come on Castiel's belly. "I've go to." He said when he was done, his tongue swiping out to lick at the corner of Castiel's kiss-swollen lips. "This condom is used and fucking nasty." 

 

Cas nodded, and when Dean pulled out from inside of him, he felt empty and sad. Luckily it only took a moment for Dean to remove the condom and flush it down the toilet, and then he was back and in Castiel's arms again. They held each other, Dean's head resting against his friend's chest as Cas ran fingers through Dean's hair. After a long time of just contently laying in silence, Cas said lowly, "Yes."

 

Dean angled his head to look up at his boyfriend. "Huh?"

 

"I'd love to move in with you, Dean. Whenever you decide to move out of your parents' house, I'll visit you everyday until I'm old enough to leave me own house, too"

 

Dean smiled and his stomach had a whole army of butterflies swarming around in there. "That's good. Hey, you let Ellen know you were back in business, right?"

 

"Of course. But obviously, since you haven't seen me around there, I still needed time. But I'm ready to go back now, I think."

 

Dean nodded against his chest, and awkward motion indeed. 

 

"Dean... do you think you'll go to college?" 

 

"Cas, we've been over this. I just don't think I'm cut out for it, you know?"

 

Castiel did know. He'd probably never even graduate considering how behind he was in school. 

 

"We're a couple of loosers, aren't we?" Said Cas. 

 

Dean laughed and buried his face into Cas' shoulder. "Yeah, Cas we are."

 

____

 

_Tuesday, January 30th_

 

Mary, John, Gabriel, Anna and Sam rode in Rachel's car to the graduation ceremony, and Dean and Castiel drove in the Impala, Dean behind the wheel (because though Castiel was relearning how to drive, he still wasn't ready for a license) and Cas in the passenger's seat, right where he belonged at Dean's side. Earlier that day when Cas had checked the mail, there was a letter from Michael saying that he was currently staying with Castiel's grandparents in Utah, and that Rachel told him about Cas' diagnosis, and that he was sorry for all the years of suffering. Cas had been quiet since then, and as he and Dean cruised the open roads of Kansas, he entwined their fingers together as he held his hand, and Castiel looked at him with a soft expression. This was probably the happiest day of Dean Winchester's life. 

 

"Hey, Cas?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

Dean's face lit up bright red when he spoke. "Will you... look at apartments with me?"

 

Castiel had been gazing out the window at the rolling hills of the fields on either side of the road. "Well, yeah..."

 

"I mean, only if you want to." Dean rushed to say, glancing at the passenger. "Cause I want my place to feel like home to you, ya know? I mean, you're my... you know..."

 

Castiel let out a bark of laughter, and Dean was totally caught off guard by that. Cas brought Dean's hand up to kiss his knuckles, and then he gave it a squeeze of reassurance. "Dean, I'd be honored." 

 

Dean grinned, feeling all warm and fuzzy. Even though he and Castiel already agreed to move in together when Cas was old enough, it felt even more special that he was willing to pick out an apartment with him, just as if they were a real couple, and they were. This was Dean's first serious relationship, and he didn't plan on loosing it anytime soon. When he ran a red light as he was lost in his ecstasy, Cas grinned and was about to tease him when a gray minivan slammed into the driver's side. The last thing Cas saw before everything turned black was Dean's head leaning against the airbag, his face a bloody mess. 


End file.
